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Dear Dr. Keane, just a quick message to say that I did not

get that job, enough time...
Dear Dr. Keane, just a quick message to say that I did not get that job, enough time has passed by to now know this. I've plenty to say, but not plenty of time this week as my gran is now visiting, so I'm fitting her round my work. Nice but stressful!I hope you had a great time visiting your extended family at Easter. Seems ages ago now.There's also more BBC dramas on Netflix these days such as Last Tango in Halifax, which I think you may like as well as Home Fires (assuming you get that and with similar content).If it's ok can I message you about the other stuff next Tues? If not, then I'm happy to wait until next month, it's not something that'll fix itself out, so cam wait. Let me know. I hope you're doing well.
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Customer reply replied 6 months ago
In the meantime anything to help without it seeming like I'm helping, to stop my dad being all stressed and frustrated by the fact he doesn't like my gran much, rather he endures her and the fact that she's in her late 80s would be useful. I will say she does pretty much ok for her age.
Answered in 1 hour by:
5/9/2017
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1,768
Experience: Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
Verified
Next week is fine, all good here...as for your Dad, don't make it your worry. By now you know that anything you say will not be heard. Let your mother handle it.
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Customer reply replied 6 months ago
Dear Dr. Keane, thanks for saying this week would be fine. It was pretty full-on last week. My question is about friends, you see, everyone always seems to live in very small, closed off cliques. Don't get me wrong, I have friends, not very reliable ones except a couple or ones that only want to communicate on social media or a text every few months. I'm nice, I have plenty of interests, can hold good conversation, I do things. I know most of the folk I know have families but I do have a good friend who does, with young children, but it doesn't stop her from bringing them along for a lunch or whatever. I guess she breaks the mould and doesn't believe mothers cannot hangout every so often with single, childless folk. I thought I was getting on with a friend just up the road from me, she's got a family, but we all got on, and I assumed she just got busy, but that does not seem to be the case as she only talks if I see her in the street. It's like people are forgetting that friendship takes a bit of effort alongside the sense of being part of it. I'm not at all lonely, but I can see why folk my age are now saying the newspapers that it's creeping into their lives.i do have friends who have an older family and two who are single. All bar one or two of my friends actually suggest that we hang out. I almost always have to ask them, and those same 2 are the only ones who have the courteousy to suggest a different time/day if they're not available at a certain time.If something happens to me or my family, I honestly don't think any, except 3 of them would actually be of any use.
One of my London friends still expects me to keep going down there and refuses point blank to come to Scotland because she feels she'd just be sad as her folks took her away during her formative years. I mean, it's nice, but I now need to see more of the country again too. It's just frustrating that she won't ever consider it, since she stays with all her other friends south of the border for a holiday and she's not forthcoming on any suggestion of her and I holidaying somewhere else for a weekend either north or south of the border as it costs money and yet she galavants even more and further than me at weekends and during her holiday times, so basically she won't ever be able to save up. One of my single friends is only interested in holidaying with her sister or her mum, even though she is older than what I am. It was years ago when I actually holidayed with my family as I grew-up, wanted to be independent, discover places and myself. I will say I am entertaining the idea of taking them with me next year on holiday as it's to a place my mum also wants to go to. If I can get my dad to agree. He's not one for holidays anymore and I have rules as it's not just a holiday, it's part of my bucket list, the part I have for places to see. Anyway, back to what I was saying, so I hear of folk going out, having holidays together etc, it just doesn't happen to me, so that's why I holiday alone many times, unless in London when I stay with a friend who never takes time off, even though she invites me down, so I suppose it's half holidaying with her.So it boils down to 2 reliable close by friends who do walks and coffees, a very unreliable friend who sometimes goes to the theatre and a festival. Others abroad, well, they're interesting, even though put in little effort at times and others sort of dotted around and those that appear geographically close that are just unreliable or are in their own tight cliques that they've practically decided that they don't want to know any other people, even though known longer than the clique, but suddenly don't fit. It's like an unwritten law and one I'm always trying to break that you should befriend like for like, class for class and family for family and forget the rest. It's not even that I'm single through choice, so I get the questions come about how's the love life, have you found someone, clocks ticking, as though I'm not aware of that.Like I said, I'm nice, people say so, I look normal but nice, I dress well, I can hold conversations over many topic areas, I have many interests, I can cut through some of the classes that still to some degree exists in the UK. I hold down a job. It all looks like there ought to be something so terribly wrong with me, but there isn't.I do a lot of different things to try and keep my life interesting with or without friends. There are some friends I could drop like a stone as they expect me to be reliable, but they're not themselves, but I don't purely because the friendship pool would be smaller. I don't know what to do. Have friends or not, or just reduce them all. There's a person who contacted me due to me dropping her from social media, knew each other for years, but she complained to me about it, even though we are never in touch anymore that she should be on my page, so goes on.Sorry, much longer than intended.
Customer reply replied 6 months ago
Sorry again, it really is so much more than I intended to write.
Customer reply replied 6 months ago
It's just I seem to be a better friend than most of my friends actually are. I used to joke that how to maintain friendships and be a true friend as an adult should be in the school syllabus, but in the era where folk seem to forget how to do that and even when I was at school I had many friends, so many, most unreliable though, and they have become even more unreliable adults. It shouldn't be assumed everyone has the skill to be a proper friend but it is.
Like I say, I'm not suffering from loneliness, more want to prevent it for myself. It's like something went wrong and it really isn't me. If it were, I'd admit it, but it isn't. On a cheerier note, I will say I'm meeting one of my reliable friends and her kids for lunch next week.
Good morning! Yes, that was a long post today but it's fine, it's all valid. I sense that you strive to maintain old friendships as well as more recent ones. Let's talk a bit about friendships. First off, why do you feel you need people in your life just to have a "pool" of friends? You don't need to hang on to relationships where one person is doing all the work on maintaining it. People come and go throughout ones life, friends of yesteryear may not be friends today, that's normal and happens to all of us. There are different reasons for this, some outgrow another person, some use another person for personal benefit and some stay a lifetime or for many years. Some people may not be very good at staying connected but still consider themselves a friend. You need to seek out new friends throughout life if that's what you want. You know how that works! Find something you like to do as a hobby, go take a design class, meet people who have the same interests as you. You like to travel, join a travel group and go on a few of those bucket list trips. Just remember, friendship is not about numbers, it's about the quality of the relationship.
That being said, you friend who keeps putting you off and saying going back to Scotland would make her sad, that's an excuse. Her behavior suggests to me, that she is telling you she does t want to travel with you, sorry if that sounds harsh, not meant to be. Her constant excuses are a message and maybe it's time you stop suggesting you do something together. You have great qualities about you and you deserve to be heard and treated as an equal, not just maintain a "connection" with her. Sometimes you have to let go and know that the friendship has run its course.
Now the great news, you don't need more than a couple or few good friends, the rest are acquaintances that you speak to and hang with once in awhile. Stick with your reliable friends and give the others who are selfish a wide berth, don't contact them and keep asking. Contact an occasional hello and don't suggest getting together. That may not be the type of relationship they want from you.
But, don't stop trying to meet new people! You know how to put yourself outside your comfort zone, keep doing it as you never know what kind of interesting people you can meet.
As for taking your parents away on vacation, think about that, do you really want to, do you feel obligated or just looking for the illusion of big happy family together. It may cause more strife than enjoyment. If you go away with you mum that may be a better alternative, your father may in fact be happy if you two went away on a trip. Win,win all around.
I hope this post helps and doesn't make you feel sad. You have a lot to offer in friendship and caring, but it would help you if you take care of you first (remember how you use to be?), don't fall backwards, move forward and you'll see changes happen. Put you first.
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1,768
Experience: Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
Verified
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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1,768
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Experience: Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.

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