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My husband lied to me about his. He did cheat on his ex-wife

My husband lied to me...
My husband lied to me about his. He did cheat on his ex-wife after all. Now he says I am sticking my nose into his business.
JA: How long have you been dealing with this? Are you having any breathing problems?
Customer: I just found out when I noticed the divorce date for his ex-wife was in a later year than his son's birthdate from from his next ex-wife. At first, he told me that the divorce date was wrong. He had always told me that he had never cheated on either of them.
JA: Anything else in your medical history you think the Psychologist should know?
Customer: Not really. I do have asthma.
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Answered in 6 minutes by:
1/26/2017
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 736
Experience: 10 years post-MSW experience
Verified

Hi, thanks for writing to us. My name is***** am sorry you just caught wind of this and have revealed that your husband has not been truthful. That must have hurt and also rocked your faith in him. Can you help me understand what your mental health question is so I can best help today?

thanks,

Leah

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Customer reply replied 10 months ago
this is the second time that he has lied to me about his past. The other, was that he was allowed to drive. He wasn't and got arrested one day. Ever since then, I do not allow him to drive anymore. As far as the ex thing goes, he says I am sticking my nose in his business. Now, he is acting like I do not deserve respect. He just walks the other way.
Customer reply replied 10 months ago
If his past still haunts him, why did he choose to get together with someone. We are not legally married yet.

I definitely understand why this had gotten you upset. Trust and honesty are staples in a relationship. Hopefully, you can approach this in a non-confrontational way that will allow him to remain calm and open-minded. When he is in a state of mind where he is willing to listen, help him understand why these lies have bothered you and how they have made you feel disrespected and concerned. Explain to him your expectations for being open and honest with you and that you value these two things. If he can not take time to hear that or does not share those values, then you can consider what steps to take next.

Why do you say his past "still haunts him"? Do you believe he is suffering in some way or could it be that he has simply resolved that past mistakes can be left there?

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Customer reply replied 10 months ago
He misses his kids. And, he cannot understand why his ex-wife divorced him He feels he is a good man. I believe that ex-wife was thinking about getting back together with him right before he met me. The problem is she is with the person that she left my husband for because she got pregnant with his kid. Now, my husband's kids are grown up. This happened about 12 years ago. He hasn't had any relationship with his kids except by contact with one of them on the phone. There are two boys.

This sounds like a pretty complicated situation. However, it will not help you or your husband to live in the past and you cannot solve his problems for him. If things with his adult children are not good, then he has to make a decision about how he wishes to approach that and at the least, try to reconcile if that is what he wants. If the kids brush him off, then he will have to accept that choice right now and resolve to either let it go, or keep trying.

If you feel confident he loves you and you know you love him, then I do suggest you consider letting the past remain there. Most adults come with ghosts from their past but that doesn't mean that those things are necessarily going to impede them from newfound relationships and happiness. So consider giving him the benefit of the doubt here, that while he has pain from the disconnect with his children and some failed relationships, he has committed to a life with you, and you are now a support system that he can trust and lean on. And because you are making the commitment to him, you expect him to not leave things hidden anymore but instead, to take you as a partner to help him problem-solve, heal, and grow. Approaching him from this place of compassion, unwavering support and empathy might make him less resistant to sharing his life with you, even things from his past that still hurt him.

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Customer reply replied 10 months ago
OK. Thanks For Your Advice!

You are welcome. I wish you and him all the best.

-Leah

LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 736
Experience: 10 years post-MSW experience
Verified
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LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 736
736 Satisfied Customers
Experience: 10 years post-MSW experience

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