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Ask Therapist Leslie Your Own Question
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 335
Experience:  Owner and Psychotherapist at Self-Employed, Private Practice
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Obsessive thoughts, mertizipine effexor sythnthroid sorry

Customer Question

JA: Hi. What is your issue regarding?
Customer: obsessive thoughts
JA: Have you seen a doctor about this yet? What medications are you taking?
Customer: mertizipine effexor sythnthroid sorry about speliing
JA: Anything else in your medical history you think the psychologist should know?
Customer: history major depression anxiety over 10 years
JA: How long have you been feeling this way? Have you reached out to anyone about this yet?
Customer: i have been seeing doctors for over 10 years
Submitted: 7 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Customer: replied 7 months ago.
I have been married 21 years. I probably have had depression in some state for that length of time. 10 yr ago diagnosed with major depression. It has taken a toll on my married. Dec 2015 I began coming out of my depression. At that time my wife cheated on me with an old boyfriend ( he was her first boyfriend and first sexual experience) while we traveled. She meet up with him one night. I learned she had been talking with him for at least 6mths via facebook. During that time she received support from him for the tough time she was going through with me and cyber sex. I understand the reason why she did it. I wasnt there for her. My wife had decided to leave me during 2015 but would tell me after christmas and of course I would never know the cheating took place. I had suspicions and she denied anything occurred. I found out by searching through her ipad through a conversation she had with friends As of today she still keeps memories ( chats, diaries of there time together and even wrote in detail they had together when she cheated. How should I take this? Is this part of her healing? We are doing well as a couple now but this really bothers me that she has kept this and it is hard for me to move on unless I can understand how to deal with it. Not sure what to do. I far as I know they have not had any contact between each other. I did in July ask her to delete any memories she had of this guy but she refused. I need advice on how to proceed.
Customer: replied 7 months ago.
I just wanted to add she doesnt know that I have seen these entries since they are private and it would not go well.
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 7 months ago.

Good morning and thank you so much for your message. I realize it's difficult to reach out. Please know I honor your courage.

My name is ***** ***** I am a psychotherapist in the Metro Boston area of the United States.

Ohhhhhh sweet soul, I am so sorry. This truly is difficult and I can understand how your thoughts have become obsessive....especially as it is the anniversary of you finding out about your wife's infidelity. The healing time and grief around such an event are extensive and I truly understand why you are still struggling--especially as it seems she is holding onto pieces of this relationship. There seems to also be concern over whether or not she is still in communication with him. This makes me think that trust has not been re-built as of yet.

Have the two of you gone to couples counseling by chance? Do you have frequent discussions around your loss of trust and pain regarding this? Does she offer complete transparency--such as computer passwords, access to her phone and so on?

Please forgive all of the questions. I want to ensure I fully understand everything going on.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Warm regards,

Therapist Leslie

Customer: replied 7 months ago.
Hi thank you. Early in 2015 we went to couples therapy and after a few sessions we found we were on the right track. We have worked on our relationship and even renewed our vows in July 2015. You are correct that trust is still an issue for me. I have no signs from what I have read that there is any further contact. I do believe she has been honest and open to my questions but wont discuss details of that relationship. She also saw a therapist in the beginning and was told not discuss the details of the relationship with me. I do not have access to her phone or ipad as she puts passwords on them but I do through my own means get access to them only because of the trust issue. I just want to ensure that this guy doesnt contact her again and she does not contact him. She did want to continue to be friends with him but I was clear that wouldnt work for me and she understood. I believe she is a way protecting me from that relationship that she had as she knows how deeply it hurt me. I understand the pain she was in all those years without having any physical contact from me and I was in such a bad place I didn't treat her right. Like I said I understand why this happened. We do not longer talk about the affair as she says it like ripping a band aid off a wound. There is really nothing to say about it. It happened but I have trouble with her keeping those memories. I know those memories to her were the only happiness she had during that brief time. I have asked her to move past the past and that I have recovered from my depression and to see the new me. This has been extremely difficult for her to do and it took some time. She wants me to do the same. She wouldn't be happy if I brought up the subject of the affair again. In my mind I think about it all the time. I cant seem to put it behind to the point I feel it is obsessive. The memories she has kept bothers me that she holds on to them. I dont know what to do and she doesnt know I know about them. She would be very upset with me if she did.
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 7 months ago.

Ah sweet soul, I am so sorry. This truly is torture. Yes, I understand how the depression made her feel abandoned and alone, how she ran to this other individual as a way of seeking comfort, affection and the like. This situation is exceptionally complex in the sense you feel guilt for your depression and are now experiencing anxiety (obsessive though patterns) as a result of her behavior. It's a bit cyclical. I understand you are unable to speak with her further and would highly recommend you seeing a therapist to work through some of your guilt, distrust and anxiety. This is far too much for any one person to carry. There is a wonderful book I'd recommend. It's called, "After the Affair" by Janis A Spring. It can be purchased at this link on Amazon:

I am so sorry. Your pain is, no doubt, consuming. Please reach out to a seasoned therapist to assist you in navigating these complex feelings.

Customer: replied 7 months ago.
I understand. In terms of the memories she has kept written and from me should I be concerned? Would you recommend I bring up the topic or leave it be?
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 7 months ago.

My recommendation is you let it be. I imagine, in time, she will delete the exchanges. I would also recommend you not inquire about specific parts of the relationship as I fear this will only add to your obsessive thought patterns. I realize this is incredibly difficult but please know it does get easier in time. I am so sorry.

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