Hello and thanks for writing to us. My name is ***** ***** I cannot express enough how sorry I am that your son died. That is really tragic and I can totally understand why you feel so angry at your father. The truth here is that you will have to take ample time to grieve this major loss. Tragic losses like this can take even longer to "heal" - that is, get to the point where you feel like you are human again. Part of the healing process will involve processing and confronting the anger you feel towards your father. It will be important to your moving forward to express all of these really, really tough feelings you have, including vocalizing them to your dad. It may be hard and I am sure you feel torn between your own personal loss and also the impact it has likely had on your father including his guilt, but again, expression of our emotions is a very vital part to our grieving process.
While it may seem absolutely impossible now, there will be a time down the road when you may feel differently towards your father. That "acceptance" phase is part of normal grief and while this may be a long ways away, it will be important to stay hopeful that the loss of your son does not automatically mean you lose your father, too. But in this moment with this loss so fresh and raw, feeling and expressing your emotions, as brutal as they may be, is important.
I am really proud of you for reaching out here today. Have you been involved with a counselor and/or peer grief support group to help walk beside you on the battle that is grief? If not, I strongly recommend you reach out for steady help right now. Grief is muddy and tough enough, and the support of someone can be a very pivotal piece of forward progress.
I am here to chat more if you'd like. Again, I am really, really sorry this happened to you.