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LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 670
Experience:  10 years post-MSW experience
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My husband and I just turned 30 and he has no desire to have

Customer Question

My husband and I just turned 30 and he has no desire to have sex with me. When I was pregnant with our son he almost completely stopped performing oral sex due to some extra mucous I had which grossed him out. He recently admitted this was the reason. So we have now had this "tension" with our sex life for the past 4 years. And for the past few months he has avoided sex with me more than any time in the past. I should also mention some background, he had gastric surgery and lost tons of weight (this was preexisting even before) and he has never been able to orgasm during intercourse with me. Sometimes through oral he is but almost always he has to finish himself by hand. Obviously this caused a ton of tension between us as I felt inadequate as a woman but over time I made my peace with it and attributed it to his extensive masterbation history. Bevause it upset me before he eould dread having sex. This entire situation has caused so much tension it is effecting our relationship outside of the bedroom and I am feeling like he isn't attracted to me or I turn him off. He says it's not the case. I should also mention that I have a very successful career and due to a back injury he stays home. He believes this may be a reason, that he feels emasculated. I feel like I can never enjoy sex with him now because he has already admitted to being put off by something about my body and that he has dreaded having sex with me. However we both want to do everything we can to try and fix this so we welcome anything that may help.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 1 year ago.

Hello and thank you fro writing to us. My name is ***** ***** am so sorry you are having this problem with the intimate part of your marriage. As you well know, intimacy in a marriage is a very important piece and easily affect other domains when not on the right track. Allowing access to each other intimately is also a part of the vows you took because as humans, we have a right to have our sexual needs satisfied.

In my opinion, there may be several things at play. For one, it sounds like perhaps your situation at home does contribute to your husband feeling disconnected from you intimately. Lacking a working identity or "breadwinner" role can affect the way a man looks at his partner and create resentment which can transfer to intimacy. Also, it sounds like he has had a "traumatic" type of reaction to that past oral incident and has let this consume his thoughts about sex rather than simply accepting it and moving on. Perhaps anxiety (overthinking ro worrying) is a factor for him in other ways as well? Lastly, his own confidence is probably suffering greatly because he cannot achieve orgasm through intercourse with ease and likely feels deflated by this much in the same way you once did. And add in there the fact that he has had a major body change and has a back injury - that's a lot of factors! So because of these complexities, i recommend your husband consider seeking private counseling to help get to the bottom of his own feelings about himself and his life. That may help him build confidence and remind him of his value and strengths. That confidence and re envisioning of himself could help to resolve this. My fav site for locating counselors is here...

Also, I would recommend you and your husband consider sex therapy. Sex therapists are wonders at getting to the bottom of bedroom disconnections and can also help assess weaknesses in your marriage so that they can be mended, therefore positively impacting your relationship in and out of the bedroom. Nonideal communication can often be dug out as a root of these types of issues and that therapist can help you work on communication patterns so things don't go unsaid and bubbling for 4 years. While intimate acts are not likely to be conducted/practiced in session, homework can be assigned that will help you and your husband reconnect and even experience your intimacy in new ways. Really, the best way to get over the anxiety in the bedroom you both feel is through practice because that practice will help reset the anxiety alarms that are firing right now and get you back to a place where sex feels more natural and comfortable and enjoyable. Plus, perhaps the therapist can work on your husband's ejaculation hangups benefiting you both. Sex therapists do this for a living so they can be very wise and creative! Certified sex therapists can be found here...

So in summary, you and your husband have a lot going for you in the fact that you both want to make this work and are being up front with each other about how this is taking its toll. It is great you took the step today to ask where to begin. Many people as individuals and as couples can gain a lot of insight into themselves and into their relationships by bringing a therapist into the mix and most often, there is not a lot to lose but potentially a lot to gain. So talk to your husband about this opportunity and hopefully he'll dive in and you two can begin the process of repairing some of the things that aren't working as you'd like.

I look forward to hearing back from you!