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LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 642
Experience:  10 years post-MSW experience
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My husband left me and my baby on Saturday siting that he

Customer Question

My husband left me and my baby on Saturday siting that he wasn't happy. When I asked why he says with everything. Since then I have tried to contact him he just said go through the courts and is making no sense. He said he has felt unhappy for ages but there has not been any sign that he is unhappy with his marriage but he does have a stressful job. He said this isn't the issue however when we had the baby he stepped down a position which he deeply resented me for. He then went back to the position he left and I think now he is afraid of saying how unhappy he is in his job. Last week he wanted to book a holiday for September? He is now staying with his parents who had no idea he had left me until I took the dog down to them and they saw his things in his car. He said he has been thinking about this for ages but has not taken the marriage cert which he needs to divorce me. I offered to go to counciling to try and make sure the marriage had the best possible ending for the sake of our baby. I also asked him to let me know if he needs to original certificate or a copy. He agreed but has not made the appointment and has not let me know which cert his solicitors need? I'm so confused! Is there any point holding onto this marriage or do I need to let it go?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 1 year ago.

Hi, my name is***** for writing to us. I am so sorry this happened to you and your baby. It must be devastating, especially catching you so off guard. To me, it sounds like your husband is still ambivalent about this divorce as he has not yet pursued the certificates needed. It is also a good sign he agreed to counseling with you. I would go ahead and make the appointment and tell him where to be and when. If he shows up, this is a great sign. It is quite possible that your husband's own mental health is in turmoil as a result of stress at home or work (especially if he says "everything" is wrong), and it is also possible there are things under the surface that have yet to be uncovered. Counseling is a great place to open up communication and get to the bottom of his actual reasons for leaving and also if the marriage has hope. Sometimes people run away from things that are stable out of impulsive reaction/need for change to cope with other problems in their life.

I would say, if you still want this marriage, then do fight for it. Make sure your husband knows how much you care and how committed you are to working out a solution that will keep your family intact. But also give him the space he has requested right now. As this only happened Saturday, give him time to think and let this play out a bit. So don't bombard him with calls or visits - wait for him to make a move. If you do choose to schedule the counseling, shoot him an email, call or text notifying him to the time and place. If he doesn't show, make the most of your appointment by talking this out with the counselor so they can help you make a plan for what to do next.

I hope this helps! Hang in there! This is a very new situation and nothing is set in stone. If you want the marriage to last, make sure your opinion is known and respected. It seems unfair for your husband to walk away without trying to resolve things first.



Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for the reply. At the moment I am sticking to no contact unless he asked about the baby and then I'm just texting that he's fine. He has left a few unimportant belongings here like some clothes etc and I think it's so he has an excuse to come back. He said that he was only with me because of the baby. I feel so hurt and exhausted. I can't eat or sleep properly. I can't believe he's done this after 16 years
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 1 year ago.

I imagine you are incredibly hurt, worried and confused and it is not surprising to hear you cannot eat or sleep well. Every emotion you are having right now, the whole range of them, is totally justified. You have been blindsided after 16 years and this was not a nice thing for him to have done to you or your baby. Be very patient with yourself as you work to just get through each moment, one by one. As I said, giving him space is the way to go and you are already doing this. Keep that up regardless of how tempting it may be to seek contact to get more of an explanation or to let your feelings be known. This will play out as it will - hopefully in a way that allows you to reconcile after working through things as team, or conversely, in a way that allow you a sense of closure and even freedom.

I note that you would appreciate a phone call and can not commit to that right now as I have to catch a bus. I also note you are in the UK so timing may be difficult. If this remains important to you, i will make time for you tomorrow, if that would be okay. If not, i can open your question up and you can wait out another person accepting the call which may or may not be any sooner than tomorrow.

Again, my sincere apologies. I cannot imagine your pain right now. Time will heal, whatever may come in the near future.


Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Sorry Leah, I'd pressed the button in error.
Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 1 year ago.

Oh, good. That actually makes me feel a little better since I couldn't help with the call right away. Hang in there!! I remain available on this site to connect if you'd like.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi Leah, my husband agreed to marriage counciling today but under the impression that this would allow him to see the baby sooner. I've not stopped him from seeing our son but have said it needs to be at our house as his parents is not a safe environment (they are having a lot of work done to theirs and it's hazardous). He has text me this morning and I've text him through the day and he answers immediately. I don't know what to think? Does this sound as if he wants to give the marriage a chance or am I wasting my time?
Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 1 year ago.

Hello, open communication and his willingness to go to counseling are definitely good signs. Since you don't really understand why he left so suddenly other than being overall unhappy, I really believe it is too early for you to judge if you are wasting your time. I think the counseling is the best chance for you to open up to each other and seek whether there is a resolution to be had. For now, i would stay cautiously optimist because you still have the goal of saving the marriage and just don't have clear answers or a real explanation from him. I know it is so hard and excruciating, but the situation will require a lot of patience on your end. Nothing is yet clear.