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Linda D.
Linda D., Psychotherapist, LMSW, CASAC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 668
Experience:  LMSW, CASAC
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I'm 33 and my husband is 50. I notice he stares at his sons

Customer Question

I'm 33 and my husband is 50. I notice he stares at his sons gf a lot and other young women. When we have sex he sometimes wants me to put my head clear down away from him andnwhen we r in the middle of it he will shove his head down in the pillow where I can't see him so when I lift my head up where I can see him he will pull his arm over and put his arm in front of his face to where I can not see him. So after he doesn't finish he will make me turn around so he can get behind me .
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Linda D. replied 11 months ago.

Welcome to JA. My name is ***** ***** I am a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in NYS. I am preparing my reply and will post in one moment.

Expert:  Linda D. replied 11 months ago.

Hello Tiffany, it sounds like you are troubled by your husbands behaviors, could you please let me know what your specific question for me is? Thank you, ***** ***** forward to hearing from you. Sincerely, ***** ***** LMSW, CASAC

Customer: replied 11 months ago.
My question is should I worry
Expert:  Linda D. replied 11 months ago.

Men are very visually stimulated by attractive women. It is in their hard wiring (biological) and most men will notice and look at women they find attractive and often times this includes younger women. Most of the time this has nothing to do with how they feel about their own partner nor how much he loves her. Can you share with me how your relationship is in general? How long you both have been married? Is he respectful and loving? Is he considerate of your feelings? Does he make you smile? Are there things you both enjoy doing together? Thank you, Linda

Customer: replied 11 months ago.
He cheated on his ex wife when he was 30 with a 13 ur old girl and got in trouble. He flirts with his sons gf all the time and we do nothing but argue. He never defends me against his family or any other girls . During sex he will look at me for a second then he looks away shoves his face in a pillow and like today he didn't get off but everytime I would try to look at him he would hide even more like try to twist his body to where his face is hidden and other things.
Expert:  Linda D. replied 11 months ago.

So yes, there are some things to worry about here to answer your original question. The situation of cheating on his wife implies limited coping skills to handle relationship problems and conflicts (cheating is a way to avoid what is happening in the relationship, it is an escape) and of course the fact that he did so with a 13 year old is significant and speaks to high risk taking, limited emotional development, and disregard for legal and moral norms. These are all problems he can repeat in your marriage unless he has taken full responsibility for his actions, expresses remorse and has a plan of action to NEVER repeat this behavior again (spiritual development, counseling, etc.). also his avoidance of eye contact and meaningful interaction while making love is even more indicative of his inner conflicts with intimacy and emotional connection to you. It is time to be very direct and honest and let him know about these anxieties you are having and decide together a plan for how to address them. marriage counseling for the two of you would be a good start. If you don't let him know your concerns and desire to be a healthier, closer couple then his behaviors/thoughts/actions are being enabled which can slowly erode the relationship he has with you. i am so sorry you are dealing with this in your marriage, but i also applaud your courage and strength to bring it here and discuss it with me. I wish you all the best and if he should decide not to go to counseling with you then you should go on your own to sort out your expectations for what need/want in a relationship. Also it is very hurtful when a wife witnesses her husband looking at other women and you should have a safe place to sort this all out with or without him. Please let me know if I can help you any further. I would appreciate you taking a moment to rate my service to you as this is the only way we are compensated for our time. Thank you. Sincerely, ***** ***** LMSW, CASACF