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LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 589
Experience:  10 years post-MSW experience
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I am a single mother with 2 adult women who still live at

Customer Question

i am a single mother with 2 adult women who still live at home. My problem is because of the economy, they still live at home, but they don't go anywhere. They have some money not enough to still pay the high rent in this city where we live but when I encourage them to go out and meet other people and take interest in activities that might enhance their lives, they think I'm meddling in their lives. These are beautiful, intelligent and fun women. I try to get them to date or go volunteer, we are Christians, but we don't attend church regularly, I always have to make a move to encourage them to do things, I'm afraid they are never going to marry or acheieve their passions in life if they just sit at home. Now as for me I've had some health set backs a few years back when they were younger still in ih school they took care of me fo a full year they're 7 years apart late 20s early 30's, but now I'm better and able to make it on my own, but I'm worried about them not having any friends. I know they have never been molested or raped because they don't go out -(they're both still virgins:). I asked them to participate in Christian activities. As for me I come from a very dysfunctional family I was molested and almost raped by an uncle and a cousin when I was younger starting at age 9-12 various men have tried to get to me you might say get with me, as for my family members, My parents loved me and my siblings they worked a lot, but I was neglected and verbally abused by my own sisters and brothers, for being educated and different I went on to college but I never graduated. I never abused alcohol or took drugs in my younger yers I'm 56 and I have talked to my daughters about all of my youth . I have come a long way to what I think is OK, I'm overweight and I do eat emotionally and stressfully. I'm now ready to retire and I'm trying to conquer if I may say the (empty nest syndrome) so I'm trying to fullfill my life again, I do have friends and interests I get out and pursue what interest me. I just need some your advice on what to do with my daughters I don't know if I'm meddling in their lives or do I need to seek or take some kind of action like ask them if they need a life-coach? It's Friday night and they're in bed. Tomorrow they'll sit at home on their computers or they're cell phones for hours on socil media. Thank You for reading this long question that has been on my mind a long time-don't know what I should do. God Bless.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 1 year ago.

Hello and thank you for writing to us. My name is***** am sorry to hear of your current situation as well as the difficulties you have faced in your past. It sounds like you have overcome a lot and have been a good role model for your daughters and this must make it hard to understand why they are so inhibited and limited in their own lives.

You ask specifically if you are meddling in their lives by seeking ways to support them in becoming more independent and creating a satisfying life. Considering they live with you and cannot yet support themselves despite their adult ages, this "meddling" is actually important despite the fact that they resent it. I do believe that open communication about your concern for their well-being is absolutely important. I would absolutely offer ideas like career/life coaches and counseling. You cannot control their actions as we as people can only control our own, but you certainly can express your concern and offer suggestions/encouragement/support etc.. What they accept and pursue is up to them. One good thing to bring up with them would surround what their goals are and where they see themselves in 5 years. Thought-provoking questions like this can open up good conversation and give you a better sense for how to help.

The other consideration I have for you is whether perhaps your daughters are suffering from depression. Depression could be a factor if they lack motivation, are socially isolated, feel hopeless or worthless, suffer from eat or sleep problems, etc. Untreated depression can cause a problem where people feel very stagnate and stuck. Again, open communication with them about how they feel could help you uncover some reasons for why things are this way.

In general, the fact that your two girls are adult age and without any motivation to live independently is concerning and it seems you agree. There may come a time that you have to chose a tough path to really push them to fend for themselves and this may involve ultimatums about seeking a life beyond your home or else you will not be able to continue to support them. I know that sounds harsh, but your utmost consideration of their needs may be just making things at home extra comfortable and easy and this may need to be shaken up in order to help push them to make positive change. So remember, you can't control their actions and decisions, but you can control yours and if things don't change within a certain timeline and you continue to worry about their chances of having typically satisfying lives that include careers, families. etc., then you may be left without choice but to retract some of your support.

I hope this helps and look froward to haring back from you if you wold like to continue this conversation. Please don't forget t rate my service today. If not satisfied, let's chat until you are.



Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 1 year ago.

Hello, I wanted to check back in and see if you had any additional comments or concerns with regards ***** *****? hope things are going in the right direction for you and your daughters.