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Linda D.
Linda D., Psychotherapist, LMSW, CASAC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 701
Experience:  LMSW, CASAC
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My hubs and I are going through some marriage issues. Big

Customer Question

My hubs and I are going through some marriage issues. Big time ones actually. He cheated....with my sister. Several times since we got married in 2010. It just recently came out and I decided to try and work out, because I love him, even though I have never felt so low and unwanted in my life, I really am trying. We even had sex tonight, for only the second time since it came out in Jan. I just recently felt ok enough to try and be intimate.
JA: Is this your first time reaching out for information about this? In general, how would you describe your overall health?
Customer: But then tonight, after Sex he fell asleep...and I just wanted to touch him and be close, and I lay my head on his shoulder and put my hand on his chest, he moves and says "get off of me"...
JA: Anything else in your medical history you think the psychologist should know?
Customer: No
JA: OK. Got it. I'm sending you to a secure page on JustAnswer so you can place the $5 fully-refundable deposit now. While you're filling out that form, I'll tell the Psychologist about your situation and then connect you two.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.

Hello, my name is ***** ***** I am a licensed psychotherapist/family therapist in private practice in New York State.Thank you for reaching out to Just Answer, I am here to help you. First, may I ask what is your specific question that you would like answered? .

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Since he won't touch me when he's asleep, and then pushes me away and says get away in his sleep, is that how he truly feels about me? Is this marriage really over since in his subconscious mind, he doesn't want me?
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.

Hmmm, you and I are not mind readers, unfortunately even therapists and psychologists with all of our training can not know exactly what another person is thinking or feeling. However, his words and their intensity do imply that he is in conflict about something related to intimacy. I know you are trying to be understanding and accepting of him for the sake of the marriage, but you matter also. a healthy marriage consists of both parties having their needs met. Have you been able to discuss with him openly how his decisions and behaviors are affecting you? An affair is never usually about a true love for the third party person, it usually is about avoiding the issues going on at home with your partner and avoiding the work that it takes to overcome your problems with her. Does this make sense to you, I can explain further if you need me to. Sincerely, ***** *****

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
it makes sense. I am also staying for my kids as well. I have two boys, 3 years and 3 months old. I found out about the cheating while I was pregnant. Unfortunately I have a lot of resentment, because my sister, lived with us and was my very best friend. The entire family has been ripped apart by this affair, including my parents. I don't want to say I am looking for a sign that the marriage is over, I am just kind of to that point. We tried counseling, and it just wasn't working for me. I am just so lost, and hurt. So when we do have sex and he's so kind and loving and wonderful, then we go to sleep and he acts like that, I feel that's how he is really feeling. And the next time he's going to get the chance, he will find some other woman. I mean I just had a baby, my body doesn't look too good right now. He's taking everything from me, my pride, self esteem, trust...everything. I don't know where to pick up the pieces
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.

Please understand that his choices and behaviors have nothing to do with YOU. His behaviors are about him, these are his choices based on his own inner beliefs, values about commitment, loyalty, love, etc. I don't know that children benefit from parents staying together for their sake, who do not really work on their marriage and grow as a couple and give the kids good role modeling. In fact I like to say, "it is better for children to come from a broken home than to live in one." Many times men struggle with intimacy with their wives after she has had a child and he feels he is not the most important figure in her life, but again this is about him, not you. You deserve to take good care of yourself and to do what is right for you. I know this must be very difficult having such young children, but unless your husband expresses remorse for his cheating, focuses on making an amends to you and the marriage on an ongoing basis and expresses and commits to his plan to change whatever he is struggling with that led him to this behavior he is at very high risk for repeating it again as you are worried about. I truly wish you and your family well. Please let me know if there is anything else I can help you with. Sincerely, ***** ***** LMSW, CASAC

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He does express remorse and has apologized several times. I have never accepted his apology because I am not there yet. He tries so hard everyday. With the kids, doing things for them and for me. Always understanding of how hard everything is for me. My sister had blocked me from their life, and because my parents have both daughters involved in the situation, they aren't there for me either because they can't take "sides". Chris from the beginning has been the only one in my corner. But even after all's hard all the time. And I don't know how to move forward and make it better. Make myself feel better, make my marriage better, make my life happy again. I found out on January 22nd, so we are going into the 6th month. Maybe it's more time is what I need, I don't know. But like I said, I'm lost. Even with a husband that cares and proves it. Is sorry and proves that everyday as well.
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.

Dear Hannah, I know how difficult this must be for you, especially given that your sister was involved and therefor your entire family. But people do make mistakes, they do terrible things and make awful decisions that they can regret for the rest of their lives. The fact that your husband is focusing on you and your children and trying to make you happy and be close is a very good factor in the marriage being able to handle and heal from this. forgiveness is a spiritual, loving gift we can give to ourselves and others. Perhaps some time alone everyday for a walk to spend some time quietly meditating on what is in your heart and how you can just live in the today and let go of the past. marriages do survive an infidelity like this, all the time. but it will take time and some soul searching on your part to fine that place that will forgive, heal and ultimately let go. You can both actually grow stronger from this. Research some books you can read on forgiveness or videos on youtube. Make this your priority and hopefully he will make you and the family his priority as well. You are not alone, I hope venting and expressing yourself here has helped. sincerely, ***** ***** LMSW, CASAC

Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.

Dear Hannah, I would appreciate you taking a moment to rate my service to you as this is the only way we are compensated for our work. Thank you so much, please let me know if there is anything else I can help you with. Sincerely, ***** ***** LMSW, CASAC