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LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 619
Experience:  10 years post-MSW experience
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My name is ***** ***** I've been married 19 years to a

Customer Question

Hello my name is ***** ***** I've been married 19 years to a narcissist woman. When I was a junior in high school this beautiful Senior started flirting with me, so of course I flirted back and the next thing you know we were head over heels for each other. She almost was suducucing she was so heated up for me. We started having sex right off the bat and after about 3 months she got pregnant and that's when everything changed. She became very violent and verbally abbusive. She would fly off the handle for any reason. People told me well what do you expect she's pregnant. After the baby was born things really didn't get a any better but I had figured out how to stay in best with her to try to avoid her from going crazy on me. We had another child and then another with the total of 3 children but she never really has ever got any better. On multiple occasions I have had objects thrown at me, she has hit me and she has cursed me like a sailor. I always just kept hoping that one day she would change but she hasn't ever and now I'm wondering if she ever will. The reason why I don't think she will ever change is because of a article I read that said if her childhood was deprived of love and affection than that's why she acts the way she does because she just can't help it. Her mom and dad were so hateful towards her and each other her whole childhood. I remember when we first stated dating she would talk about how her mom never would do anything with her and she was told that she was a burden to have at a young age. Her dad wasn't that mean to her but he was never around. He had two full time jobs and her mother didn't work so she would go weeks without ever even seeing her dad. Well back to my question I have. I am a Christian with Christian morals and values so I don't really no what to do? I feel like the right thing to do is just stick it out for better or worse like I have been doing or should I leave her? She verbally attacks me almost on a daily basis and she's only one time told me she was sorry and I think the only reason why she was sorry was because she knock a hole in our living room wall when she threw a object at me and I ducked. I've just recently had my gallbladder give me problems and so I've had surgery to remove my gallbladder and she didn't cut me a break at all. Dr told me not to lift over 25 pounds and to take it easy for a few days but she treated me like a red headed step child, had me doing housework the moment I came home and when I tried to explain that I was hurting bad she just went ballistic on me again. I'm confused and I don't know what to do. I hate living in constant fear but at the same time I signed up for this when I said I Do on our wedding day. I am 24/7 walking on eggshells and I just want the havoc to end!
I just happen to stumbled on your website so I won't be able to find it again without you responding back to me and letting me know. My email address is***@******.***
Thank you
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 1 year ago.
Hi D.H., thank you writing to us. I am glad you found us and that this can be the start of a very important conversation for you. My name is***** off, I am so sorry to hear that you have lived in such a tumultuous relationship for these many years. No one is deserving of abuse but I do respect that your morals and religion have pointed you towards sticking it out rather than leaving. It can also be difficult for men to admit they are the victims of abuse by their females partners depsite the fact that is is happening to many, many men, so for this, kudos to you for speaking out. Unfortunately, the hard truth is that because your wife has exhibited these behaviors and ill-treatment of you for the entirety of your marriage, it is very unlikely that something will change. As you noted, your wife may have serous illness that can be attributable to the teaetment she suffered as a child among other things. The only condition in which this may change is if your wife was to seek change herself through professional intervention under the care of a mental health professional, because she understood the errors in her actions and treatment of you and wanted to work on getting better. It would be a difficult road for her but with the proper therapy, support and motivation, there would be some reason to be optimistic, but again, this would take tremendous will, action and effort on her part. Have you ever suggested to her she get an evaluation or treatment for her unpredictability, anger, abusive tendencies and mood swings? I wonder what her reaction has been in the past. if she has deflected the issues and denied help, it is a good sign hat she may not engage in ever attempting to make positive change.Have you considered consulting a counselor yourself to help you think this through? I recognize this may be the first time you are calling out for help so I would strongly suggest you consider meeting with someone who can walk besides you as you make a decision about how best to handle this. Great counselors, even those with Christian-orientation, can be found using this website You may find it very beneficial to meet with someone to put your entire story on the table so you can really wrap your head around what to do with the help and guidance of someone else.I know this is difficult to hear but I assume you are in enough pain and suffering that you are reaching out. It may be that this is a turning point for you and that it is time to seriously evaluate what the advantages are to staying in this abusive situation. No one should be a constant victim of fear and abuse in a marriage. You certainly have kids to be mindful of (you don't mention their ages) and you are considerate of your vows and morals, but you are also saying clearly you "want the havoc to end." so perhaps you already know what is right and leaving this situation may be that.I sincerely ***** ***** the best and am so sorry your find yourself at this crossroads. Please let me know your feedback - i look forward to continuing this conversation. -Leah ***Please don't forget to leave me a positive rating or let me know how I can help until you are full satisfied. Thank you!
Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 1 year ago.
Hello again, just wondering how you are coming along on this issue since I wrote to you last week? Keep me posted! -Leah