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Linda D.
Linda D., Psychotherapist, LMSW, CASAC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 669
Experience:  LMSW, CASAC
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I was wandering what I should do..yesterday my fiance asked

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Hi I was wandering what I should do..yesterday my fiance asked me to clean her laptop and organize it for her..while doing that I did something that I never do...bUT I decided to take a risk and I looked at her messages ..I saw a text that she sent some guy that sorry I thought long time about your offer of going out for a coffee but I a realthionship and I can't although we have problems but I can't go out with u..and also I realized that she talked to the guy too at least once she did turn him.down..but one thing I always thought that I knew about her was that she told me everything..I don't know what to do now..I know she turned the guy down. But what didnt she tell me about this am I suppose to talk to her ..when I kind of looked over her messages ..I know it's not right do that..but since I am.marrying her I just got curious to do it after 2 years of being together.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I know she turned the guy down buthe the text messages were kind of long. And detailed..I don't know. Is this cheating? I mean I don't understand why she didn't tell me. What bothers me is that maybe she was talking to the guy for a month and then at the end she decided not to go out with him..but I know technically that's not cheating but she was still thinking about instead of just saying no ..that is bothering me
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.

Hello, my name is ***** ***** I am a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in New York State. I can understand why you are distressed at finding out indirectly that your fiance was carrying on communication with another person. However, the reality is that you both must also exist outside of your relationship and at times there will be situations that come up with members of the opposite sex that you will need to make decisions of how to handle. Please try not to make any assumptions about her motives or feelings. The important aspect to focus on is that she made a decision not to meet with this person. She trusted you and your relationship to give you access to her personal information. That is not he behavior of someone who has something to hide. Instead focus your energy on helping her to feel loved, appreciated and valued by you. You may also want to initiate a casual conversation at some point about what that is like for the two of you to be in a committed relationship when another person becomes flirtatious or you find yourself attracted to someone (this will happen and it is okay, you are both human, it is how you react or act upon attractions that are the problem). So relax, be grateful for the commitment you have both made to each other and do not let this bump cause you needless worry or concern. Please let me know if you have any other questions. Sincerely, ***** ***** LMSW, CASAC

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
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Well .. I never had any reason to look...
Well .. I never had any reason to look for anything . I never checked anything of her for past 2 years that we have been together . My issue is not that she didn't go out with the guy. Because I know she won't do that..I just don't understand why she didn't tell me ..because this happened beforewith other guys since we are both professional..I am a internal medicine and she is a dentist . So we meet people everyday that they might seem interesTed but we always told each other no problem and that's what I loved about her. I loved that she was honest and I didn't have to guess or second guess her . But now I feel like maybe I have been stupid and I am questioning everything. It's a worse feeling ever. Because I love her to death . And I don't love people that easily ..and we even sit a date..for when we gonna get married. But seeing that she didn't tell me about this guy. When clearly on that day I felt something was going on and I asked her. I was like babe is there something weird going on. .and she clearly text me and said no ..I love you ..I always tell you everything and to be honest I just believe what she told me . Because I had no reason not too ..and now I see this..I don't know. .and to make a matter worse ..she deleted her conversation with this guy..I just saw a part of it ..some how this part didn't get deleted
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
The problem is she deleted the conversations and I feel like she thought nothing was there ..because she deleted all the conversations they had one part. .and I think some how by mistake she forgot to do that. I don't know I am questioning everything.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
to be honest one other thing that bothers me is that..we had problems for a little while and we worked through them..and that point that this happened I thought we had no problem . Everytime we were away from each other for more than an hour. She use to text me and say how she loves me and she can live without me . And she texted this guy saying although my relationship has problems I am in realthionship with him ..and I can't come out . And she said she thought about going out with her for a long time. .and she decided she can't do it...thats killing me. Because I feel like she was faking when she was with me and she was thinking about that guy. But at the last moment she decided not too ..
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I mean why would she tell this guy we have a problem. When she clearly wants to marry me and she keeps on saying she loves me and how lucky she is that she is with me..and then she goes and do this ..the only reason I can think of is that .she wanted to keep the guy around
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I want to be positive but I don't want to be stupid in a same time . They say if walks like a duck..sounds like a's a duck..
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.

Yes, I can see your point.

Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.

It really seems like the best course of action at this time for you is to admit to her that you read the text messages and share with her your concerns. Given how you are feeling upon discovering this you are going to have a difficult time relating to her in a positive way until this is discussed and you have your questions answered. You would want to discuss this by being very honest about yourself and how you feel and avoid saying anything negative or accusatory. Try to make it safe for her to be honest with you about what she was thinking and feeling with this person. I know it will be difficult but try not to react to anything she says and if you intend to stay together and get married use this as an opportunity to understand each other's expectations and needs. Use a lot of "I" statements. This event can actually bring you closer together dpending on how you handle it. I wish you both all the best. Please let me know if you have any further questions that I can help you with. Sincerely, ***** ***** LMSW, CASAC