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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Wife had affair said she wanted a divorce left moved out

Customer Question

wife had affair said she wanted a divorce left moved out been separated for 6 months and now the affair partner has dumped her. it's been 6 months and she still hasn't filed
JA: OK. The Psychologist will need to help you with this. Please give me a bit more information, so the Psychologist can help you best.
Customer: I think she may be bpd. been together 10 yrs married 5 have 2 sons together and a step son. she had a hysterectomy about 2 years ago and struggled with not being able to have any more children
JA: Is there anything else the Psychologist should be aware of?
Customer: I don't think so
JA: OK. Got it. I'm sending you to a secure page on JustAnswer so you can place the $5 fully-refundable deposit now. While you're filling out that form, I'll tell the Psychologist about your situation and then connect you two.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice in a Q&A format. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.

Hello and thank you for using JustAnswer. May I ask, what is your specific mental health question that you would like an answer to in regards ***** ***** situation?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I guess my concern is why might she not have filed for divorce she asked for it she had the affair. Is this situation common with BPD people?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I do not know your wife, so there are dozens of reasons why she has not filed and I unfortunately cannot read her mind. If your wife truly has BPD, and the symptoms would have had to come about in young adulthood to meet the criteria for BPD, than yes BPD can be a cause for someone not to file for divorce. Individuals with BPD will often have patterns of loving their partner and then hating that person at random times during a relationship, so she may be in a period of idolizing or the marriage that you had/have. But like I said there are literally dozens of reasons as to why she has not filed for divorce, so only she can really tell you the reason as to why

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I tried asking her 2 months ago and was given the response of "I'm working on it". She had a previous marriage that went south very similar to mine. As well as a relationship prior. Seems to be a pattern.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

BPD is not the only reason why relationships fail though, but like I said it is possible she may have BPD. The only way to know for sure is for her to be assessed by a psychologist or psychiatrist. Even if she has delayed filing for divorce, that does not stop you from filing, especially if you feel the marriage is over.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Agreed. I will be filing within the next 1-2 weeks and it does seem unfair as someone else asked for this and committed the infidelity leading to it. I also worry about the wellness of my children as anytime she senses a loss of control things get completely out of hand. Calling police to my house and filing false reports etc. I've found the best way to handle these types of things are not to "react" in any way positive or negative. I am somewhat fearful of how the interactions will become once I have filed though.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

The best way to approach it would be to have very limited contact with her except on matters of your children as you both are the parents. Any other matter involving the divorce you should direct her to speak to your attorney as that will shutdown any outburst she has built up for you and allows you to escape and not engage.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
OK. I've also chosen to walk away or not respond to messages regarding the children at the point in which she does begin to out lash as me. Is that also an acceptable way of dealing with her.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Well you both are going to have to figure out a way to co-parent, so I would not ignore her entirely regarding how you both raise the children. But that is where you have to draw the line and set that boundary

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Let me clarify. I've tried establishing a boundary that I will not discuss items unless it directly correlates to the kids. I also set the boundary that if she can't keep things civil when discussing the kids that I'm not going to participate.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

That is good and perfectly acceptable.