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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1378
Experience:  Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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I am really struggling with trusting my wife. to my

Customer Question

i am really struggling with trusting my wife.
JA: OK. The Psychologist will need to help you with this. Please give me a bit more information, so the Psychologist can help you best.
Customer: to my knowledge, she does no wrong, she has a new career as a real estate agent, and works odd hours, receives calls and text at all hours of the night..she is attractive, and other men flirt which makes me uncomfortable, but still to my knowledge she has done no wrong....i ask her questions about these things an sometimes she can be reassuring, but most of the time she just gets pissed that i ask and say that i should trust her....i have no access to her phone, computer, nothing....i have no idea as to the nature of the conversations which take place...i just have to accept blind trust
JA: Is there anything else the Psychologist should be aware of?
Customer: she told me she had cheated in a previous marriage
JA: I'm sending you to a secure page on JustAnswer so you can place the $5 fully refundable deposit now. While you're filling out that form, I'll tell the Psychologist about your situation and connect you two.
Customer: but it was something she would never do again.....i just can't get this out of my head
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice in a Q&A format. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.

Hello and thank you for using JustAnswer. May I ask, what is your specific mental health question that you would like an answer to in regards ***** ***** situation?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
My lack of blind trust is crushing our marriage. I do not even feel like myself anymore. I am insecure, afraid, and pissed off all the time. I should trust her. I am so afraid of being lied to, and played the fool that I am pushing her away. How can I build trust, regain my confidence in myself, and our relationship, and move beyond this before it is to late for us?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Well right now you are focused on this worst case scenario and that is what is causing your insecurity and fear. A good therapy modality to treat this would be Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT has a premise that your symptoms are caused by negative thoughts, so if we change your thought process to be more positive and objective, then your symptoms will lessen as well. You can do this form of therapy individually or you both can go to couples therapy and do this form of therapy together. Here are a couple examples of CBT techniques to give you an idea of how it works.

So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help you keep track of any negative thoughts you have. You put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want you to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more objective and plausible). This will help you change your way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.

http://psychology.tools/cbt-thought-record.html

In addition, these two worksheets are very good at helping to lessen negative type thinking. It can help you focus on the big picture and the objective/positive thoughts and outcomes.

http://psychology.tools/decatastrophising.html

http://psychology.tools/what-if.html

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I can't seem to get her to understand my feelings. I try to be open and discuss these things. Which she describes as me coming across as interrogating her. Its when she completely hides things from me, or the fact that I have no access to anything to do with her phone messages, social media, laptop....she just says i have to trust her....I feel like i am losing my mind.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

You do have to trust your partner because once you start to "check up" on her in regards ***** ***** phone, computer, etc...it will never stop and you will keep checking on her obsessively and it overwhelm you and your marriage. You should ask yourself if you did not trust her than why did you marry her?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
i keep thinking it will get better....that i will get over this....but im not....when i really think about it....i dont trust anyone....ive been lied to so much i just expect it, and it makes me furious when i catch someone lying to me.....
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
guess this plays into the negative thought process
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

And that is why I recommended the CBT therapy to help you overcome this negative thought process.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
i live in a world that takes advantage of the weak, makes fools of the naive....... i was raised to never show weakness, never lie, if i work harder than the rest success will be the reward.....none of it is true.....most days i just feel like im working my ass off trying to not get fired when i know im worth more than that......i never had a dream for a future until i met my wife.....she taught me how to dream....we still dream together, and i love that about her.....until her life was only happening to me
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

You should really consider starting CBT to help you overcome this automatic negative thought process so that you can trust her more and see the world more objectively.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
how do i start this
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Well you should really consider undergoing one on one therapy with a psychologist or therapist to help you. But you can use these self-help CBT resources although they will not be specific to your issue of trust.

https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm