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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I am very conflicted over a relationship issue right now. I

Customer Question

I am very conflicted over a relationship issue right now. I am a 20 year old gay man who is in a long distance relationship with my partner (not really that long distance - I live in Philadelphia, he lives in New York.) My partner is a partier, which I am fine with. However we are in a closed relationship and to me it feels like sometimes he has trouble putting his foot down when other guys are being overly flirtatious. He has trouble distinguishing the line between friendly activity and provocative activity. Today he called me up to talk about the night out he had last night with his friend. His best friend I trust and he is a really great guy, but he apparently brought a pair of his friends along (who were also in a closed relationship) who my boyfriend had never met before. They all went out to a club to dance and party. Apparently at one point during the night one of the acquaintances started dancing with my boyfriend extremely provocatively so much so that his best friend replied afterwards "so you guys just f**ked on the dancefloor." My boyfriend told me the story in a lighthearted manner and didn't expect me to be upset. He thought that it was all in good fun and kept trying to reassure me that he didn't feel anything for the guy and that it was just dancing. But he also made a remark that it was a lot of fun and that I would never dance with him like that and that it had been awhile since he danced with someone like that. Hes made a similar comment before about us being long distance and me being 20 years old and not able to go into a club with him. He said that he isnt able to have a good time at the club because i cant be there to dance with him. Now it just feels like hes given up on that and decided that hes going to have fun whether or not im uncomfortable with the situation. He also kept pointing out that he didnt want to offend the guy or alienate his friend by seeming boring and tied down. He also kept pointing out that the lines were blurred and that the other guy is also in a committed relationship and the other guys partner was fine with it, so I was overreacting because he wasn't really flirting with my boyfriend. Now he wants me to hang out with them next week while visiting. I am.very conflicted about this situation. Am I being too much of a stiff? Do I need to lighten up and take it for what it was? I'm afraid I'll lose him if I don't and that's the last thing I want because I really love him. I know he really loves me too and he wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt me but I can't help but feel confused and hurt by this situation. If anyone can help me sort out this situation it would be a really big help.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice in a Q&A format. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.

Hello and thank you for using JustAnswer. I am sorry that you are having this difficulty with your partner, I can understand how distressing this can be for you. It sounds like you and your partner have different definitions of what is fun and what is considered acceptable boundaries in a relationship. While your partner is the "partier," you may be more mellow, which is why you may be attracted to your partner because he provides a different dimension to your life than what you are used to. I do not think either of you are wrong since your behavior is determined by personal preference, but I do feel you both need to communicate and get on the same page on what is acceptable and what is not in this relationship. If you both work on a compromise on what he can and cannot do without you, and with you the same, than maybe you both will come to some understanding and help move the relationship forward. Like I said, I do not think your reaction is necessarily wrong, but more it is just different than what your partner considers normal. Do you think he would be open to compromising a bit on your concerns so that he can still have a good time with his friends, but not necessarily cross any boundaries (e.g. fu**ing on the dance floor)?

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I hope this helps to provide you some guidance on this issue.

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