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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I need to talk to someone about how to approach my hubby and

Customer Question

I need to talk to someone about how to approach my hubby and have him talk about his sex drive is wrapped in money (labels). He makes great money but it's not enough to have the yacht etc..he is a stranger and I can't deal but I need to talk to him before making a decision about leaving him
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice in a Q&A format. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.

Hello and thank you for using JustAnswer. I am sorry that you are having this issue with your husband. So basically your husband has a low sex drive or inferiority issue because he believes he does not make enough money? Have either of you considered undergoing Couple's Therapy?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
We just started but the above statement is the very least of the problems
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I'm sorry. I prefer to call/talk since my hands hurt...arthritis. :(
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Well the best way to approach your husband would be to express your unhappiness, but not with the money as that is what he is most insecure about, but just with your sex life. Try to tell him that you just want to be with him and only him, and that making a lot of money does not factor in your attraction with him. No matter what you say though will probably not automatically change his mind as there are deeper issues involved, but he needs to undergo individual and possibly couples therapy, so try to tell him that you want to support and be there for him during this process. Encourage him to undergo treatment to deal with these issues, as you cannot change him, he must decide to help himself and overcome these issues with treatment. Showing your support for him and that you want to stand by him during this process is the best that you can do, but the decision and the effort into treatment is entirely up to him.

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I am not able to provide a phone call at this time, but it is possible another expert may accept that additional service offer although there are no other experts online at this time. You can continue to talk to me by using this interface though

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I saw that you posted another question regarding your original question. I am still here as I stated before and I can converse with you in this format, but I am unable to provide a phone call

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
It's a long story. I am in recovery. He punishes me for it, but he has professed to full blown alcoholic. We have a business that was booming then my dad got sick and died and I used pain pills to get numb. 7 months later, in Nye I found the lump
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I am very sorry that you have experienced this much adversity, I can understand how distressing this can be for you. Did you read what I wrote in regards ***** ***** to approach your husband and do you have any questions about it?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Jan 21...I am diagnosed with Breast cancer. My hubby asked me if I was taking pills. Dad died in May and my depression was deep. I saw 2 ers and checked into the ward...I still felt deep dark sadness. I'm Dec I relapsed...then cancer. It was 9 months of hell and I was taking toxic amounts but I couldn't stop
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I was even more pissed that my dad died from his so alcoholism. So how did I end up an addict?!?! Damn
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Most likely you used the medication to help numb the pain and escape from your depression.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Anyway I had surgery March 2014. My ers knew and I had an amazing team I. My side. I woke up with NO pain relief
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I remember thinking..."remember this feeling when you are tempted". It sucked. But I took it as Karma and that subtle hints don't work on me... Cancer was a 2x4 upside my head. Lol
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
You are right about depression but I lost my faith. 12 days after surgery I had the drains pulled, went to treatment, and have been living it since. I have sponsees but I work at it because I won't survive the relapse. My point...I hold myself accountable. My husband does not
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I am sorry that you have suffered with these adversities, I cannot imagine how hard this has been for you. May I ask though what exactly is your mental health question that you would like an answer to regarding this?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Sorry my hands hurt...anywAy I came home and he agreed he wouldn't drink for 90 days. We went to Miami and life was great but we own a biz that went stagnent
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Do you know anything about that virtual reality game? Second life?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

A little bit, but not much. I do not play many video games

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
All of this went there. Last Dec he was on vacay for 12 days. He locked himself in his office and drank 20 bottles of wine
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
For 3 months he blamed me for the business being stagnant
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
he was acting weird as hell and guilty too. When I tried to talk he accused me of robbing us and blamed me for the financial hardship. I was balding and sick so I looked Like I was using. I held him accountable and he used it against me every time. He came out a stranger
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
In the game, you pretend to be someone else. Build things, have a career etc and being an artist, I could totally get the creativity involved. But after 6 months of hell, and after I realized he went dark on the biz (people were calling me out on social media) I couldn't believe what was happening. Again, I owned his bs too. The drinking was "my fault". I worked for our biz and had nothing in my name after treatment so I could prove myself...he threatened me with divorce every other day. I started digging and realized he had spent $7 grand in 6 months on that game and blamed me for it.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
When I confronted him, I told him that if all people, he could tell me. I could care less but he was so fidgety, I knew there was more. I thought he had a cyber fling. He hasn't touched me in months and it wrecked me since I had my breast removed and replaced. I told him that over and over...but "he doesn't want to talk".
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
2 months ago, after 9 months of grieving hom, feeling guilty, and being scared of being dependant (first time in my life btw) I told him to work at us, do something different, or get the hell out.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
The 9 months I spent working to try and save our biz and writing letters, emails etc to him...none were even read. I was heartbroken by his complete 180
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
8 weeks ago I also found out that he has a female avatar. No biggie. He also is the creative partner with me when we do photo shoots for the brand. But he has a fetish with nice clothes and sex. It's always dress up for me when and if we go there. His avatar is a model. She dresses like me but is a spoiled rich "narcissist" I was like "what the d%$k"?!?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Worse, there's adult world's there and she has a group for her boy and another for her girl lovers. Ok, I'm open minded...I get the whole chic and chic thing...my hubby first wife was bi. But why dress up and punish men? Dominatrix style?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He has no idea I know all about the other female avatars. They are a "model clique" . quite frankly, they are the chicks I'd beat up in high school. He dresses her like me, but I'm a real rebel girl and don't really hide who I am. This is fake girl, pretensions, spoiled girl. My hubby is a senior executive who acts normal at work, and really shy. Has no friends, and has been a boy scout for most of his life...this guy is an arrogant piece of shit who gets away with all his scrap because he can dump blame on me. I spent thanksgiving alone because his mom, who I love, told me on the phone that this was all me
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I have paid the price and owned everything I've done, now I'm getting the blame for his behavior and poor choices. Not to mention, financial drama is all me too
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He decided to make this chic into a blog..now it's "work". He's full of shit. Meanwhile he won't help me save our business!! Not even an email to help out. He said "for months ( now it's years) he did it alone...so basically too bad you got trashed on line. I am furious, I feel deep betrayal, and I'm so sad all the time. We had sex and he couldn't stay erect if I was on top?! That is the first time he's ever had that issue. Then again a week later. We haven't gone there again. He never wants to talk and every thing I say he says I'm starting a fight again blaming me, and he runs. My questions are these...why would he choose to be what he chose? Power control and sex for in for him,but I think it's more. He is a stranger. The noise fuels his fantasy. He wants me next to him in bed and in t***@******.*** e morning I see him for 10 mins...then another 4-6 hours in his office. 12-15 hour days on the weekend. He hasn't done a single thing with me. Counseling started Friday, she had me talk first. I am not confident that he will ever own anything so what's the point? Which leads to this...He is changed, no doubt? He is a martyr who believes his own bs. He thinks he's the good guy, the victim, poor me...When I'm sick he used that to make him look good! He's the good husband and I'm nuts. Its so hurtful. What is his behavior called?? Is it something therapy can help with? I think he will con her too. I can't take any more of the hurting and anger.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for your questions. Unfortunately I cannot tell you why he chose this path as I have never interviewed, nor can I read his mind. But nevertheless the reason why does not matter instead you must focus on the fact that he is doing this. If he will not make the effort to be accountable and help resolve these issues than you are correct therapy will not be helpful as it takes a great amount of effort for both participants to truly overcome these issues. As for the name of the behavior, I cannot officially diagnose your husband without a face to face evaluation, but it sounds like he could be demonstrating narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), where he has a lack of empathy, fails to take responsibility for his own actions, grandiose, selfish, etc...Therapy may be able to help, but like I said only if he puts in the effort towards treatment.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Funny, his avatar Is a narcissist too. I thought that's what I was dealing with. I know that you can't diagnose him but I suspected as much. It still doesn't explain the girl he pretends to be during all his free time.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

It is hard to say because some people do this because of a fantasy and other people may have a deep seeded issue with gender dysphoria (unhappy with their own gender). Without talking to him, I cannot say for sure

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Hello, I noticed that you viewed my answer and I was checking in to see if you have any further questions or concerns that you would like me to address on this issue?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I apologize for my ramblings. I was a mess...clearly. thank you
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

No worries, I completely understand. I hope that everything is going well and that I was able to help you with this issue.

*Please do not forget to leave a positive rating at the top of the page so that I can get credit for helping you. Thank you, ***** ***** appreciate it.