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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I have been seeing my partner .5 years and our sex life is

Customer Question

I have been seeing my partner for 2.5 years and our sex life is suffering. He doesn't get hard when he sees naked anymore (and he is a very horny guy). I feel that the problem is with me because I don't exude any type of sexuality. In fact I feel about as horny or sexy as a 70 year old. I don't seem to view myself as a sexual being, I have nothing that turns me on, and sex seems like a chore although it hasn't always. I have self-esteem issues from emotional abuse in my past. I lost my virginity at 11 to a boy who had issues and was manipulative and told me my breasts were saggy and called me a bitch for not putting out and a whore when I did. I also had family that would bully me for being chubby. When I was a kid and teenager I was very sexual (used to love porn, fantasizing) but not anymore despite being aware that I'm still pretty. I don't know how to feel sexually empowered to help our relationship. I feel sexually dead. I'm too young to not feel sexy ever at all.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice in a Q&A format. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.

Hello and thank you for using JustAnswer. I am very sorry that you are having this issue with sexual arousal and overall self-esteem. Has the group therapy been effective for you? Have you considered that maybe you were traumatized at a young age because of how you were treated by your first sexual experience and your family bullying you, and this trauma could lead to your sexual issues? Lastly have you tried to talk to your doctor about trying an antidepressant?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Group therapy has not been effective because it deals with more self-esteem as a person more than as a sexual being. I have loads of confidence outside of the arena of sex. I have considered sex therapy but cannot afford it. I know that my first sexual experience traumatized me, I have been dealing with the insecurity resulting from it for 16 years and it has reared it's ugly head in every relationship. I think the bullying just fueled the fire and on its own would have been surmountable. I do not feel depressed, I have been on ciprolex for actual depression before and when I changed the trigger and moved on in life, it went away and I came off. I do not see being on antidepressants as a solution but more like a band-aid and am looking for more of a permanent therapeutic cognitive solution. My sex life gets me down, I'm otherwise happy in the company of friends and family. I don't find anything about sex to be exciting or novel anymore. Porn is so cliche and erotic literature is like a broken record. Actual sexual experiences just make me wonder who other than myself the person is really thinking about, some porn star or other woman who is more desirable. I wonder if a few things my father said/did also resulted in me not trusting men to actually be interested in me. For example, after lessons we would get a celebratory drink at a bar (pop for me) and he would openly ogle the waitresses. He told me of the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen in his life, big surprise, it was not my mom. Or these could be normal things that I see in an extreme view because of my first experience. I started looking at porn by about 7 or 8 and by the time I was 10 I was in chatrooms lying to people that I was 14 (because I thought that was more acceptable). I got lots of attention, pedophiles messaging me about the size of their penis. I probably have never had so much attention in my life sexually than when I was a kid. I was never molested, but considering I was coerced into losing my virginity I may have been raped? I don't even know..... I'm trying to provide some additional information although it's very tangential.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I would highly recommend that you contact a Sex Therapist or perhaps a therapist that focuses on sexual trauma in childhood and to see if they provide a sliding scale which can be at a reduced rate for you. It sounds like you were sexually assaulted at 11 years old and this may have contributed to your lack of arousal this time. Since you want to understand the core issues of this than I would recommend entering into individual therapy, which may take months to help you overcome this issue and move forward from it.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks Dr. Z., hopefully I can find one like you mentioned.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

You are most welcome, I truly wish you all the best and I hope you and your partner will be able to overcome this together.

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