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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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My wife was a when we were married. It's been 8 years and she recently started

Customer Question

My wife was a virgin when we were married. It's been 8 years and she recently started talking to another man without my knowledge. Shes been speaking to him since February. After confronting her, she continued speaking to him. I compromised. She has repeatedly told me how much she enjoys talking to him and has developed emotional attachment and sexual attraction. It bothers me to no end and tears at me daily to the point where I can't stop thinking about her and have resorted to spying on her via her mobile device. I feel everything she tells me is a lie. I confronted her again and demanded truth and honesty. Now show has admitted to wanting to sleep with this person. She has a plan in place and is arranging a meeting with him for possibly a weekend because he lives out of state. She insists its out of curiosity because I'm the only person shes ever been with. What am I supposed to do?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.
*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.
Hello, I am very sorry to hear that your wife is willing to have an affair with this other man at the expense of your own marriage. I cannot imagine how hurt and distressed you must be feeling right now. You should definitely confront her on this issue and tell her directly that if she goes through with this affair that it could very end your marriage and she could lose you. The choice of having this affair or not is completely up to her as you have no control of her actions, but she must be made aware of the consequences of those actions and how being faithful in a marriage is incredibly important to trust. You cannot just tell her how this is hurting you, as you have to be direct and tell her that if she goes through with this affair than you and her may be over. I would recommend a trial separation at the very least if she does have an affair with this other man to give her an opportunity to accept that she made a mistake and to rebuild that trust with you.
But if you do not provide her with any consequences and allow her to experience this affair, than she may like it and want to do it again. You cannot enable the behavior if you feel it is wrong and puts your marriage in jeopardy. I understand that you do not want to lose your wife, but can you be happy in a marriage not knowing if your wife is going to cheat on you with someone else? Or do you think you will be happy in a marriage where you have to continuously spy on your wife because you do not trust her? This is why you must be assertive and tell her directly that if she makes this choice there will be consequences for her actions and you will be forced to separate and think hard if this is the marriage you truly want. Hopefully if she loves you, she will reconsider and try to repair the marriage with you.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. I truly hope that your wife reconsiders her actions and makes a renewed effort to build back the trust and connection in your marriage. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.
*****If you are satisfied with my answer, I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a POSITIVE rating so that I can receive credit for helping you. Thank you
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I was checking in to see if you have any further questions or concerns that you would like me to address on this issue?
*****If you are satisfied with my answer, I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a positive rating so that I can receive credit for helping you. Thank you