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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5824
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I feel super stressed right now. for a number of reasons. 1.

Customer Question

I feel super stressed right now. for a number of reasons. 1. work: I'm the outcast on a team of 4 supervisors. They dont like me because I dont think all processes that they come up with and the way that they manage is effective. I have stated this in
a professional way, but because I'm outspoken, they talk behind my back and or just dont talk to me at all. They are also jealous i feel because the staff come to me with issues, even when it's not my direct staff, and they feel free to speak with me. I help
them on their medical units, and I think for that reason I've earned their respect. whereas the other supervisors sit in their rooms, and never offer to help or go be seen in the dept.s that they supervise. Last week, my " partner" who annoys the crap out
of me said " dealing with me was like having a conversation with a child". I have been in my business for 30 years, and have always felt professional, and dealt with co workers and people who report to me in a professional way. Last week I asked her if she
could help me cover my area that i supervise. ( it's been made clear by my boss that this is part of her job also). I asked her if she could cover, and she said " i dont know what you mean". I again asked the same question, but was more specific. no response
via e mail. The next thing i know she's in my office looking mad. I asked if she was having a bad day , and she said " not until I came down here". Then she told me that dealing with me was like having a conversation with a child. I was shocked, my office
mate heard it to. I waited until she was done talking and then told her that I was sorry that she felt that way, and that she did not need to treat me like a child. I think I imparted that she was never to speak to me again that way. I never addressed it with
my boss, but she is still very difficult to get along with , and always has been. She is very process driven, and I'm very , " lets try it and tweak it later". But i've never been unprofessional. My office mate who we get along the best of all of the mgrs
is out this week, and the 2 upstairs have not spoken to me at all this week. They obviously do not like me. My boss however thinks that I'm doing a great job, but it's difficult to feel like the one picked on at recess. We have had multiple mgmt meetings where
we all try to discuss the issues amongst us, but things never really change. My boss never really holds them accountable. the other stress, is my son. Him and his girlfriend live with us. He has been living with us for 2 + years and she moved in last summer
while they both attend a local college. They are both 21. THey both have been paying their auto insurance and phone bills but we have not been charging them rent. I love them both. They decided last month that they wanted to get a puppy. We have 2 large dogs
already, but i talked my husband into it. The puppy has been there now for 3 weeks. She is super cute but only 2 lbs. Our other dogs are 130 lbs. so we cant really let them run around together because the puppy can get hurt. My son and his girlfriend are looking
at moving into a place. but they have been " looking " for months. They are both not in a great financial state, and I did tell them that having the puppy would complicate things as now they have to look for rentals that are " pet friendly". Their school starts
the end of august. I have told them that they need to start looking NOW< because in our area places rent SUPER quickly. My son just says they ARE looking, but I know of several places available that they havent even applied for. I am also disagreeing w/ my
spouse in that I can help them out with about 200.00 / month while they are both going to school and working. He thinks we shouldnt help them out at all. It's becoming really tense in the house with us always having to do dishes they leave in the sink. I found
puppy poop under the end table yesterday and just EVERYTHING.. i never thought i'd say this but i'm ready for my house back and to have a life again with my spouse. between work and home, i feel like i'm going to explode. ALso I keep hearing that they might
close my dept at work . so i have dr's and staff coming to me asking what's up... and I cant really say anything. We are planning a sit down meeting with my son and his girlfriend this week sometime. My son said last week that he " hates those meetings" because
alls' we tell them is what they need to do and that he needs his parents to be his " friends" first and parents second. In addition. my husband is his step dad, as his real dad and i divorced in 2010. I feel guilty that I left him behind w/ his dad .. and
now kind of feel like i have to be nice, and make up for lost time.... sigh.. Signed.. nervous wreck.......
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 2 years ago.
Hello, it's great to hear from you!
It certainly sounds like you have a lot going on and most of it seems to deal with people not doing what they should be doing.
First, your co workers seem to be putting a lot of energy into being hostile with you. And because they have made this a group effort, it is harder to cope with because it feels like you against them, and you are out numbered.
From what you said, you have handled this very well. Saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" gives you some emotional distance. But the fact that your supervisor will not back you up in dealing with your co workers puts you in a bad place. You are forced to try to do your job, please your supervisor and deal with a group of co workers who are taking out their emotions on you.
You have a couple of options here. One, you can try to ignore every effort your co workers make at the emotional level. In other words, if they say something that has nothing to do with work but with getting at you instead, address it professionally not emotionally. For example, if your co worker refuses to help you cover the floor responsibilities, then tell her that you are sorry she doesn't understand her job duties and tell her know you will let her supervisor know. Follow protocol on any incidents they try to start. And stay as unemotional as possible. You can also write down everything that happens, including time and date and what was said, and report it to human resources, if your supervisor still won't pay attention and take action.
The other option is to start looking for a new job. That doesn't mean you have to quit this one right now, but getting your resume updated and asking around for available jobs can help reduce your stress. For one, you may find a better job with better conditions. And two, if your department is eliminated, you will already have resumes out there and your job search started. It also helps with your stress level because it gives you and out and some control over your situation.
As for your family, when you deal with adult children, it is always good to establish strict boundaries. Adult children who live at home are doing so as a huge favor from the parents. At the very least, they need to pay some rent, do their share of chores and help keep the house running. After all, they live there and by letting them do so, you are relieving them from having to pay full rent/mortgage and other expenses. This is a favor, not a privilege.
Now that you have given them a chance to get caught up financially, it is time to set a move out date. Sit with them and bring a calendar. Discuss their move out date and write it down. Stick to it. Ask them frequently how their search for a new home is going and what they have done to get ready to move. This serves to inform them that you are sticking to that date and that you are serious about setting this boundary.
Lastly, you may need to spend some time doing something to relieve your stress. If possible, plan some time away, even a long weekend. Or go to a spa for the day. Do something that helps you feel more in control and less at the mercy of others, which will reduce your stress a lot.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
The thing is , they arent really caught up financially as they have been paying for their schooling. My son is my husbands step son and so i feel kind of guilty also because i left him behind with his dad about 5 years ago. It was my only shot at sanity. I feel that he blames me a bit for this. His dad is now living out of his car, and just got a job after 2 years. My son made a comment last week that he wants me to be his " friend" and not just always " tell him what he needs to do".
They are going to be really really strapped moving out. I asked my husband if we could just give them like 200.00 a month until they are finally out of school and can work full time and not part time.
I would honestly pay 500 bux a month to get them out of there right now and save my sanity..
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 2 years ago.
I understand. However, what happened when you left him behind with his father 5 years ago is a separate issue than you giving him a rent free place to live. Letting your guilt dictate your relationship with him is going to cause you a lot of stress. If you feel it is a significant enough issue, you may want to go to therapy together to resolve it. That can really help.
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 2 years ago.
I haven't heard back from you. If you have any further questions or need clarification, please let me know.