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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Do I need to pay service?

Customer Question

Do I need to pay for your service?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.
*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area.
Hello, you have already deposited your money for this question so there is no need to pay anymore. So what exactly is your mental health question that you require assistance with?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I m having problems with my fiance

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.
If you can be more specific as to your issue and then your mental health questions that would be much appreciated. Thank you.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I just started working out alot and so lost some weight,just last week he said I had a man's body,then on our vacation he tells me am losing my woman curves and I starting to like child,this totally put me down,even though he apologized and made excuses why he said that like it was a compliment,but he killed my sexuality with those words and that only takes me back to the things he'd said in the past,I can't get my self to have sex with him ever since because I look like a child to my man and am not a woman anymore,and it's just getting g worse as he cuts me off when am talking to talk about work or something else,I don't know what to do,can't stop crying...need some advice on what to do

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for your detailed description of this issue as it helps me to better understand where you are coming from. I am very sorry that your fiance has said these things to you and it appears that he has not fully taken responsibility for his words and has not tried to even apologize for hurting you. It sounds like you have tried to discuss this with him, but he keeps cutting you off and controlling the conversation, so you do not have an opportunity to truly vent and express your feelings in an open manner. At this point it may be best to consider seeking couples counseling so that your fiance can learn how his behavior has been truly hurtful towards you. Right now your fiance is not listening and completely oblivious as to his own behavior and the ramifications of it, so maybe hearing from a third and objective party would be helpful for you.
You cannot change your fiance's behavior, only he can change. You can say everything right and logical in this situation, but in the end the decision to truly apologize and be a better partner to you has to come from him. Since you have tried to discuss this with him alone and it has not been fruitful, now would be the time to seek out professional help from a couples therapist. If you both do not trust couples therapy, there is an option to seek out guidance and "therapy" from your religious leader (if you two are religious), but usually a couples therapist is more objective and beneficial in this situation.
Another option would be to try to write down in a letter all your thoughts and feelings about this situation and address it to him. Tell him that you do not want to be cut off in conversation anymore and that you just want him to understand how hurtful his comments have been to you. You say that you want to work on this together, but that would mean he has to open up to being wrong with what he said and truly make an effort to heal this relationship.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.
If you are satisfied with my answer, I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a positive rating so that I can receive credit for helping you. Thank you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

He did apologize,and ignoring me is not on what he did,let's say he asks how my day is doing,and in the middle of me all excited telling him about my day then he turns his face and starts talking about things he has to do for work,we visited Vegas where he works for the first time and he gets up showers and tells me to walk down the street with the kids to another hotel and get breakfast while he drove to work,I spent hours of my day,with no car,2 hungry kids,I walked for hours,while he drove off in the morning,got breakfast,launch and am frustrated with the kids,little things like this he does and does not realize how am hurting and he calls to tell me am not acting fair,am just tired and over it all,I know you said counseling but that is something I have brought up to him but never happened

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.
Just because counseling has never happened does not mean you should not push for it more. I would encourage you to find a list of couples therapists in your area and provide him with the list and say that you two are going to go to one of them because you are beginning to have issues with this relationship. Here is a good website to find such a therapist near you.
Also the letter is a good idea because it at least gives you a complete outlet to voice your concerns without fear that he will interrupt. Tell him that you want to work on "us" and show him that you two are a team and will get through this together, but that you want him to make the same effort as you are willing to make. If you do not blame him and confront, he will be more open to "team-building" in this sense as focus on the relationship as a whole.
If you are satisfied with my answer, I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a positive rating so that I can receive credit for helping you. Thank you
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I was checking in to see if you have any further questions or concerns that you would like me to address on this issue?
*****If you are satisfied with my answer, I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a positive rating so that I can receive credit for helping you. Thank you