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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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My husband cheated on me for the whole time we were together

Customer Question

My husband cheated on me for the whole time we were together and married over 7 years. When I found out he claimed that it was only chat, but recently I discovered that he had sex with women and couples. He was doing it pretty much every day of our life together and I had no idea.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.
This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.
Hello, I am sorry that you are having this issue with your husband, I can understand how distressing this can possibly be for you. I would like to ask you a couple questions to get a better idea of what you are looking for, so that I can better assist you.
1. You did not pose a question in your description, so what exactly is your mental health question regarding this issue?
2. Is your husband willing to admit his mistakes and stop these affairs? Or do you think it is even possible forgive his infidelity?
3. And you mentioned that you are in counseling, has that been effective for you? Is it individual or couples counseling?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
1. Is it possible to start trusting somebody who was lying to you the whole time you were together?
2. He says that he is willing to change. I would like to forgive him someday but I don't know if that kind of person is capable of change. It was such a big part of his life. He was waking up thinking about it. He was leaving work early for this or not go to work. He was coming back home everyday like nothing happened and I had no idea because I trusted him so much. His first wife cheated on him so I thought that he would never do that to me cause he knows how it feels like.
3. We are in couples counseling. I think it is helping some but I don't think that he is very honest during our sessions.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for your questions as it helps me to better understand your situation. Obviously I cannot say with 100 percent certainty that your husband will truly change as I cannot see in the future, but based on the statistics it is very unlikely that your husband will change and that you can trust him again. It sounds like your husband had a cold and lack of empathy with his cheating and that he did not care that he was hurting you, he only cared about himself and his sexual needs as judged by him coming home everyday that nothing was wrong. Also given the length of time throughout your marriage that he had these affairs is suggestive that there is a low likelihood he would change in the future.
I do not know your husband or if he is putting forth a true amount of effort in therapy, but I given the statistics, the length of time he was cheating on you and overall being deceitful, and the coldness of him coming back home and not acting like anything was different or wrong is all suggestive that he will not change and therefore I do not think it would be wise to trust him again.
I know that is hard to hear, but I wanted to be as open and honest with you based on your description of your husband's behavior.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. I truly wish you all the best no matter what you decide for your marriage and if you can trust your husband again. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.
If you are satisfied with my answer, I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a positive rating so that I can receive credit for helping you. Thank you

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