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Ask Dr. Kaushik Your Own Question
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4672
Experience:  MD Psychiatry
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I would like some help with a relationship I am just started

Customer Question

Hi, I would like some help with a relationship I am just started about a two months ago. I believe I am not understanding the person that I am in love with and would like to see If it is me who is acting inappropriately or is him. Well, Just so you understand, he is in another country, we met there. We started our relationship there and because of the distance we now only communicate via phone or whatsapp. These are some of the discrepancies we have had so far and which I am asking assistance with: I told asked him to please no to be so sexually inclined in most of our conversation because to me it seemed as if he only wanted to have a sexual relationship with me and he got frustrated for this and told me that he was not going to talk about that anymore and I asked him if he wanted to discuss that with me and he said that he did not want to discuss it or will discuss it with me and that was the end of it until today, he has not mention a thing. Another thing is that he says that he perceives that things go ok with me and him until I get frustrated with something. We had another discrepancy recently where he sent me some pics ( funny ) according to him and I told him that I did not like some of the pics and he got upset and again told me that I do not have to like the pics and he said that he perceives that I have mood swings where I am happy at times and at times I am not and he mentioned that perhaps is something from the past that I am bringing to the present. I told him that I was cheated by my ex and gave him no more details as to how the relationship was with this person. I told him that I perceived the same from him as well because he has days where he could be very caring and sweet and all that but at time he could be very cold and hurtful. I forgot to mentioned that this person has moments where he comes across very abrupt and says things that I think he is being bothered by with my comments, the other day he told me that instead of me writing too much on my messages I should go straight to the point of what I want to say. Recently I teased him with something about his tongue, and joked about giving him a diagnostic on what I thought he tongue looked like and his response was " oh what a joke" and It seemed he got mad at me. I told him that if he does not have the capability to withstand jokes he should not make jokes either. So I am very confused if it is that I do not know how to communicate or if it is something with him and his cultural upbringing or man stuff or what. I understand a relationship with a person could be very difficult, but I find that these incidents are not necessarily something for which we should be having arguments upon. Please help me understand if I need professional help because I need to improve/learn something to better deal with this person or is juts that he is a very complicated person and I need to let him go.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 2 years ago.
Greetings.
Welcome to the site.
I am sorry to learn that you are struggling with your relationship and i empathize with you. Well, the problem actually begins with the fact that both of you have not been able to come on the same page since you come from different cultural backgrounds which have given rise to different sensibilities and beliefs, so when he cracks a joke which he finds funny and expects that like any one else in his part of world would consider it funny too, but on your part you straightforwardly reject the joke since you do not find it funny. The same happens vice-versa. To add to this varied backgrounds, you have different temperaments and there is this long distance which collectively fail to bridge the gap of mis-communication and inflating egos that has been widening with each conversation that you have with him.
So, if you want to salvage your relationship then both of you got to come to the same platform and together preach tolerance, benevolence, humility, compromise over trivial matters and genuine intent to accept the shortcomings of one another, only then shall you be able to construct this present relationship which as of today stands on a fragile frame.
So, before you give your best shot to save this relationship on the lines mentioned above, just introspect deeply that whether you really love this man or is it just infatuation or fondness, is he actually worth your love, affection, time and energy and lastly whether both of you are potentially compatible or are you two extremely different personalities, neither of whom want to modify yourselves so as to make this relationship workable.
I hope this gives you good insight and perspective into what you can do to assess your situation and eventually take a right decision on your love life.
Wish you all the best.
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Regards