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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I feel guilty after going to a strip club at a bachelor

Customer Question

Hi Brad I feel guilty after going to a strip club at a bachelor party. My fiance has told me many times how she is uncomfortablE about it. I went because it's my future brother in law and I wanted to support him. When I was there I tipped a stripper and brushed the back of my hand against her genitals. I feel terrible
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for writing to us today. Please note the info I provide you does not constitute treatment nor replace a local professional's evaluation.
Hi, my name is ***** ***** I'd like ton try to help. Your requested professional is not available at this time.
I am sorry to hear you are so conflicted about that to do regarding confessing to your wife that you did something that she will not be happy with. As you state, honesty in a relationship is very important but in this case, I am not sure the disclosure is worth the hurt it may cause. Really, you would be putting the need to resolve your guilt above her feelings and this may not be fair.
I would advise you think about the reasons that you want to share this with your wife. If the only reason is resolution of your guilt and to maintain honesty, then you may wish to proceed and tell her. You would also want to make sure you are prepared to tell her why you understand that this behavior was wrong, that you understand it was a breach of trust, and that you will not allow such an incident to interfere again. Also, if you ware worried she will ultimately find this information out second hand, then being upfront with her is very important.
On the other hand, if you decide that resolution of your guilt does not justify the pain that this might cause her, then I would suggest you just consider this a lesson learned because you have caused yourself a lot of internal struggle. Chances are the guilt you are feeling will fade but the lesson you learned should remain and this may be enough to help ensure you will modify your future behavior without causing undue stress on your relationship at this time.
In summary, I am not sure that this disclosure is a good idea at this time because it is mostly your guilt driving the decision. While honesty in relationships is important, so too is tactful consideration of how certain things may affect your partner and if they really need to know. I also am not sure you breached any serious boundaries that would require the disclosure. and really, your actions were predominantly innocent.
I hope this helps direct your thinking about what to do and am more than happy to continue to help think this through.
-Leah
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.

Hello, Brad is no longer an active expert on this website, but I will be happy to assist you as Brad and I have had a working relationship in the past. I am sorry that you are having this issue regarding this stripper, I can understand how distressing this can possibly be for you. I would like to ask you a few questions to get a better idea of what you are looking for, so that I can better assist you.

1. If you tell your fiancé, do you think this will help or hurt your relationship?

2. You state that you accidently touched this stripper’s genitals, so when you did that did you automatically pull away?

3. And because this was an accident, are you sure you are not being hard on yourself because of your guilt?

4. Lastly, has anything like this happened before in your relationship?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
It will definitely hurt her very badly as she is very sensitive about strippers. I didn't want to go but wanted just to support my brother in law. It was semi intentional and I barely remember it. Right after I felt really gross and just gave the rest of the singles I had and got up. Nothing like this has ever happened. I haven't gotten a lap dance and I've been 100% true to her I'm our relationship. We're getting married in two months. I do feel guilty but I also want to make our relationship very honest too. I don't want to keep things from her. I love her more than anything and feels like she deserves to know.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.

Thank you, ***** ***** around 10-20 minutes and I will reply with my answer for you.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ok
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for your responses as it helps me to better understand your situation. Since it seems like you definitely want to tell your fiance about what happened, lets focus on how to tell her exactly. First off tell her that you wanted to support your brother in law at the strip club and nothing more. You can tell her that you know how much she does not like that place and that you should have listened to her or tell her that you plan on never going to one of those strip clubs again. Now that you tell her about the incident, you can describe to her that you wanted to give one of the strippers a gratuity out of politeness, and nothing more. But either you were not paying attention (which is probably true) or she was moving (she could have been dancing) when you tipped her you accidentally, key word, brushed up against her genitals. Tell your fiance that you felt absolutely ashamed and guilty the minute it happened and that was not your intention at all. Describe to her that you have struggled with how to tell her what happened, but that you want to be 100 percent honest with her and that you did not want to sweep this under the rug, even if it was an accident.

By doing this, hopefully your fiance will start to see the remorse you have and will know that it was an accident and that the odds of it happening again are very low. In addition, you can re-stipulate that you do not want to ever go in a strip club again and put yourself in jeopardy like this again. Overall I think your fiance will understand and will forgive you for what happened.

I hope this helps you and gives you some guidance on this issue. I truly wish you and your fiance all the best and I hope that you two have a long and happy marriage.

My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime. If I answered your question satisfactorily I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.
By focusing on how you felt afterwards and showing the absolute remorse that you have from this incident, most likely your fiance will forgive you. You also have to factor in your relationship where you have never done anything like this before and that you have been 100 percent faithful to her. This will seem like an out of character moment for you in her eyes, and she will see that you have been struggling with this because the last thing you want to do is hurt her. All of this goes in your favor as she has more reason to believe you than to not believe you because you have been a good and loyal partner to her. One mistake, which was an accident (even semi-intentional), will not outweigh the entire body of your relationship. Also by making a promise to her for the future will show that you want to prevent this from happening again and that you want to put your relationship first, another positive sign by you that she will appreciate.
My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime. If I answered your question satisfactorily I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.
I also wanted to add these relationship studies that show how honesty and commitment are influential for your fiance to forgive you and move forward from this issue with you.
http://www.psychalive.org/relationship-infidelity-and-the-real-villain-behind-it/
http://www.carylrusbult.com/documents/80_FinkelRusbultKumashiroHannon2002_JournalOfPersonalityAndSocialPsychology.pdf
Overall the trust you two share is very important and it shows that with the level of commitment you two have with each other, there is a greater chance of your fiance to forgive you and move forward. By being honest about your accidental mistake, you are going to take personal responsibility for your action instead of trying to hide or deceive her about it. This shows how much you respect your fiance and how open you are in your communication with her. All of these are positive qualities of a healthy relationship and it will demonstrate to her your sincerity in your words and how likely you will never do something like this again.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.
My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime. If I answered your question satisfactorily I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much