my ocd is a consequence or result of severe anxiety which itself is a consequence or reaction of obstacles, stresses and hardships in my life. so, everything is like ugly concentric circles. and then all that create inevitably depression although I'm not originally depressive. I'm not psychotic never been, but this neurosis is even harder to bear. neurosis can be even tougher to bear for a sufferrer than a psychosis.
My ocd is actually constant intrusive thoughts of horrible fear of losing myself (the only thing I have), of developing psychosis my horrifying phobia is developing schizophrenia, depersonalization, derealization, dissociation... horrible I can't comprehend those things and they scare me the most, worse than death. then, counting, numbering, horrible. I've never had obsessions with germs nor excessive handwashing, I wish I had that type of ocd I think that type is easier a little bit.
I was so stable and strong on Paxil for 11 years but it made me gain weight. so, last year I carefully weaned myself off Paxil, started Prozac and ...whole hell broke loose. lost sleep, anxiety attacks, panick attacks, ocd like never before in my life. last year from last April onwards was a horror for me, the hardest time of my life. and still unfortunately is. Now I'm on Lexapro, Anafranil, Neurontin and Clonazepam, I've never been on so many medications but I'm cautiously optimistic, although just these days I'm going through difficult time again and still, it could be side effects of Anafranil that I just started little more than a week ago, although I've been on it for several weeks last July and it just didn't help. Hope it will finally help this time.
I am so, so scared, it's unspeakable....