Husband has been having an affair since Feb 2014 and still going. He admitted it to me in May after our son was born.

Question

Hi, husband has been having an affair since Feb 2014 and still going. He
admitted it to me in May after our son was born. He did [/topics-did/] not end
it then and showed no remorse. It took me a few months to get the strength to
kick him out once I saw him continuing to see her. It's been almost 8 months now
and he has been living at his parents on and off over the past 5 months. I have
forgave him and willing to work on marriage but he won't end it with her. I
recently told him not to talk to me about reconciling until he is serious about
it. I don't know what else to do. He does not want to move back home until he
can commit 100 percent back into marriage, says he keeps getting tempted by her.
We have a 6 month old son that he sees about 3 to 4 times a week but has not
bonded with him that much at all since he was born. This affair started while I
was pregnant. I am planning to move back home were my family is for support
during this time because I moved away due to his career. Any advice would be
appreciated thanks

Dr. Z · Accepted Answer

Dr. Z :

This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and
advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed
professional in your area

Dr. Z :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I am very sorry to hear about your husband's infidelity and how this has
impacted your life.

Dr. Z :

I think so far you are approaching this situation best by making sure that he
stops the affair, which he has not, before considering a reconciliation.

Customer: A
Dr. Z :

Right now you are doing what is right for you and your child, but it is your
husband that states he cannot break away from this other woman and therefore he
is the one that needs help.

Dr. Z :

May I ask, is your husband willing to go to individual therapy to work on
himself and these issues?

Customer: He is not willing to go to individual therapy we went to 2 marriage
counseling sessions but he lied to them and wants no part
Dr. Z :

So he does not want to stop the affair, does not want to seek treatment for
these issues, and also is not bonding with his son. It sounds like he is the one
not fully making the effort to try to reconcile with you and put his family
first. I think you moving near your family for a greater support system is a
good move for you and your son

Customer: He said he is afraid to go
Dr. Z :

But he lied to the marriage counselor, that is something more than just being
afraid, that is not taking responsibility for his actions

Customer: Ok that's what I thought I have been up and down with him wanting to
reconcile then not, he clearly doesn't want to cut this women off so now we only
communicate about finances and baby
Dr. Z :

It sounds like you are being reasonable and wanting to reconcile with him, but
if he is not willing to make that effort and continues to voluntarily choose to
be with this other woman, then that is his choice on the matter unfortunately.

Customer: He doesn't want to divorce either the other women is married with two
kids
Dr. Z :

I think you should consider an official separation or a divorce from him since
he is the one not moving forward

Dr. Z :

You have to do what is best for you though, if the other woman is married with
children and yet he continues to see her shows that he has put her ahead of you

Customer: I am moving in the new year 2 hours away
Customer: I want him to divorce me since this is his fault I told him to get the
paperwork. I have also been in touch with legal counsel
Dr. Z :

You can move ahead with the divorce without his consent, so i think that is
great that you have been in touch with a lawyer concerning this.

Customer: I agree he doesn't seem to care that she is married and won't leave
husband
Customer: He keeps asking if we can reconcile but shows me no action
Dr. Z :

He is the one making these choices and unfortunately he is going to suffer the
consequences of these choices. You gave him opportunities to reconcile and he
did not take advantage of those opportunities unfortunately

Dr. Z :

I agree, he is not making the effort, especially when he says he will not end
the affair with this other woman

Customer: Exactly so is it good for me to only contact him about baby and
finances at this point? He still invites me over his parents for dinner he
really has issues
Customer: Only been married 3 yrs together for 9
Dr. Z :

Yes it is okay to just talk about finances and your son at this point. Keep it
civil, but not personal

Dr. Z :

I am very sorry to hear that. I am not sure what is going on in his mind, but he
definitely has issues

Customer: He hasn't officially said he won't end it he just doesn't do it, and
keeps hiding the phone when he is with me and baby
Dr. Z :

Then his actions still support that he is not ready to fully commit to you

Customer: Exactly so sad bc we have not even dtSrtd
Customer: sorry started our life yet he is medical resident and I've supported
him for years with this career
Dr. Z :

I know it is sad and very unfortunate, but he is the one that made these
choices, not you. This is not your fault at all

Customer: I know thanks so much for your advice
Customer: I was trying to be nice and ask him to do things with us which he will
but still wants affair too and I can't deal with that
Dr. Z :

I agree and you should not be expected to be complicit while he is continuing
the affair. He had to make a choice, and he chose poorly

Customer: Yes, I font understand why he won't just fivorce
Customer: divorce me already... I
Dr. Z :

Maybe he wants both of you or does not like it to be known that he had an affair
and messed up. I cannot tell you exactly why he will not agree to a divorce, but
I can agree that he has some major issues that he needs to discuss honestly with
a professional

Customer: sorry I come from divorce so I am not in favor of doing this to my son
Dr. Z :

I understand, but you also do not want your son to grow up believing that his
father's behavior is acceptable if he continues to have affairs. And also you
would be unhappy in the marriage if he continued this behavior and that will be
expressed to your son too

Customer: I agree he wants both and I'm not allowing it anymore... Sorry for
rambling thanks so much again
Dr. Z :

You are most welcome and I wish you all the best moving forward and healing from
this. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any
further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.
Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my
performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you
very much

Customer: Will do

Husband has been having an affair since Feb 2014 and still going. He admitted it to me in May after our son was born.

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