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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I am a happily married man and have never cheated on my wife.

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I am a happily married man and have never cheated on my wife. My sex life with my wife was great until kids came along. The frequency and intensity slowed down quite a bit and I found myself fantasizing about other women in different sexual scenarios. This continued for many years and morphed into fantasies involving men. I am now at the point that I do not get aroused without thinking about men. I'm worried that this is impacting my marriage and am not sure what to do about it.

I love my wife very much and still find her very attractive. I get aroused when we touch each other but end up thinking of men in order to ejaculate. I don't find men particularly attractive but do have a strong desire to play out some of my fantasies with men. However, my devotion to my wife is so strong that I will never act on these desires.

In the past, I have vacillated between believing that I am straight, bi-curious, bi-sexual and gay. To be honest, I don't know what I am. I feel like I am being very selfish but can not get the fantasy out of my head.

During lovemaking, I have "confessed" these feelings to my wife. I'm not sure if she believes they are pillow talk or real. We don't talk about it outside of the bedroom.

Your thoughts would be greatly welcomed.

Dr. Z :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry that you are having these thoughts and fantasies that are distressing you

Dr. Z :

May I ask, have you ever had thoughts of other men before your sex life with your wife diminished?

Dr. Z :

You also stated that you do not find men particularly attractive, so may I ask what specific fantasies do you have about men?

Customer:

I never fantasized about men until a few years ago. My fantasies focus not so much on the man but the sexual act with him.

Customer:

My fantasies are pretty broad. When I was in high school, I used to imagine myself as a woman. This was not a common fantasy but one that was very powerful for me. I never thought of being with men though. Not until a few years ago.

Dr. Z :

When you thought about being a woman while in highschool, was this in a more submissive sexual way?

Customer:

I remember that my thoughts were more focused on being a woman and dressing as one and not so much on having sex with someone else. Since then though, the submissive aspect of being female has been the driving theme when I have sex.

Dr. Z :

Okay, well I do not think you are gay, bisexual, or even bicurious. Many heterosexuals have same-sex fantasies, this is not uncommon. And because it has occurred after your sex life with your wife has diminished most likely points to being frustrated (sexually) and subconsciously wanting her to take more initiative and asking you for sex, showing that she wants to have sex with you; this is why you have the fantasies of being submissive and someone initiating/controlling. Here is also a brief article showing that same-sex fantasies with straight men are not uncommon and do not mean you are gay or bisexual.

Customer:

Thanks. My concern is not so much focused on whether I am bi-sexual, gay or straight but more so on how to deal with this situation. I am scared to death to talk to my wife openly about this for fear that it will ruin our marriage. I have kept this inside me for this long because I can't fathom the idea of risking my family (we have children as well) over something as trivial as a fantasy. I guess I'm just frustrated. I have the best life a guy could hope for and feel like this is screwing it up (and I don't know how to stop it).

Dr. Z :

Well I understand your concern about telling your wife and I would not advise that, instead I would seek out a therapist to talk to that specializes in sex therapy as they are more trained regarding these issues. It will be a gradual approach as therapy is not a quick fix, but with therapy you will be able to understand the cause of this and possibly understand the underlying meaning too

Customer:

Thanks Doc. I'm not sure if I feel much better but I appreciate having someone to talk to about this. All the best.

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