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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I was recently told by my wife that in the middle of the night

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I was recently told by my wife that in the middle of the night I had molested her and at one point raped her. We are currently separated because of this and because I was not more supportive during my wife's miscarriage, I was not holding her hand the minute the baby passed and allowed her mom to be in my place. I feel ashamed of myself for what I did in both instances. I need help because I don't want to be what I see as a rapist and an unsupportive jerk. I am usually very carrying and am willing to do anything for my wife, but I messed up bad in both instances. How can I become better for her. I know I need mental health help. I just don't know what to do. Some background information. I was physically and mentally abused as a child, I was in the Marines in 2003-2007 and went to Iraq. I am very passive and angers very little. I don't want to hurt others and avoid confrontation at all cost. I always want my wife to make desists ions about things all the time because I don't want to upset her, she wants me to make choices on my own. I just don't know where to start on getting better. I talk to people I know, but I it's like I get clarity then I fall back into the same patterns of things I do. I feel like I have been selfish a lot, because I play music
And work far from home and was in school for 6 years working on a Bachelors and then a . I guess my question is other than getting a steady therapist what can I do until I can find one?

Dr. Z :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concerns today

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry that you are going through these issues with your wife, I can understand how this can be distressing for you, but that is great that you want to seek help and gain understanding for your mental health.

Dr. Z :

May I ask before you went to Iraq, where you passive as well or is something that occurred after you came back from your tour of duty?

Customer: Is there anything I can do until I find a therapist because I feel like a monster
Customer: I have always been passive I never have liked confrintation
Dr. Z :

Yes there are a few things you can do, I can show you a couple good therapy techniques that may be able to help you as well as some books too.

Dr. Z :

I do have to say that if you were not conscious when you molested/raped your wife and you did this in your sleep, then this is called sleep sex with is a sleep disorder

Customer: I went to a therapist as a child and I was told that it was because my parents fought a lot. I also had suicidal thoughts that if I had not been born they might have been better off but the dr said that would not have been the case. I have been on depression meds off and on my entire life but I have gotten better at controlling my emotions.
Customer: Ok what would you recommend me do?
Dr. Z :

Well I think you do repress your emotions well, but do not necessarily process them well. The best and most evidence based type of therapy for these symptoms would Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT has a premise that your symptoms are caused by negative thoughts, so if we change your thought process to be more positive and objective as well, then your symptoms will lessen.

Dr. Z :

So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help you keep track of any negative thoughts you have. You put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want you to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more objective and plausible). This will help you change your way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.


Dr. Z :

Also individuals with similar symptoms may have a poor coping mechanism, so this worksheet will help you develop a better coping strategy to manage your symptoms better instead of being passive.

Dr. Z :

In addition, everyone gets angry and frustrated at times, and we all should express that instead of repressing it. So this will help you express your anger/frustration in an appropriate way to help you be more assertive

Dr. Z :

Also these books may help as well

Customer: Ok. Is there anything I can do to try to make things better between me and my wife or do I just give her time? She is seeing a psychologist about this and the miscarriage.
Dr. Z :

Well giving her time would be a good approach, have you both talked about couples therapy at all?

Customer: Yes but I don't think she is ready yet and I have pushed it but I feel that I should give her more time and be more supportive.
Dr. Z :

And she may not be ready, you do not want to push her too much or that will just make her defensive towards you. Allow her space, but let her know that you are working on you with therapy and trying to get emotionally/psychologically stronger

Customer: Ok thank you.
Dr. Z :

You are most welcome, is there anything else I can assist you with?

Customer: No but thank you
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