I retired at 60 after a 24-year career in youth corrections and a follow-up of 10 years as a newspaper and freelance journalist. Both careers were stressful. The corrections was tough as I was dealing with very disturbed and violent kids and victims of very sick sexual abuse, much of it by fathers and other male relatives. Also some of the boys had committed incredibly violent murders.
My journalist career was tough as there were long hours with very little pay.
Now that I am retired I find I cannot enjoy myself as I am plagued (especially in the morning) by memories of my childhood and young adulthood (before my parents passed away) when my father used to beat me and then (when I grew too big for that) insult me and denigrate me, calling me useless and stupid.
I should add
at this point that I had polio as a three-year-old and had a bit of weakness in one arm and leg. Otherwise I was (and am) physically strong although my parents continually treated me like a weakling. They also (I recently found out from my sister) refused to allow the school board to jump me two grades since I was soaring through middle school with little effort. My parents never told me this.
As an adult I easily completed all but one course of a Bachelor of Arts Degree program but was too tense or hyperactive too continue. I also went to community college at the age of 50 to study Journalism where I scored the highest mark on the entrance exam ever recorded. I completed the course and wrote for smaller newspapers on Canada's East Coast and in Manitoba. I have also won half a dozen PROVINCIAL journalism awards
yet here I sit in retirement, depressed as hell and feeling like a loser. Sometimes I feel like suicide since I never lived up to my potential, whatever that means. Any suggestions as to what I need. As an aside my wife and I have been living in rural Canada for the past ten years and I cannot find a friend or anyone who I can talk to. (I am not an intellectual type).