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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5810
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I've been married 5 years, been together for 10 years in

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I've been married 5 years, been together for 10 years in total. I do love my husband but it is as if he doesn't want me to be happy. he's always complaining about money and would talk to me in an insulting manner when we are in company even in front of his family. My question is do you think there is something we can do about this. He is not one to see a therapist. I feel like as if he is emotionally abusing me. We have 2 kids. a 4 year old daughter and a 3 year old son and I just feel that I don't want to bring them up making them think it is fine for a man to handle you the way he is treating me and with my son I cant handle the thought that this is the example that he is growing up to. I would hate myself if one day he is acting like this towards a lady. there's a million and one things still bothering. I'm always lonely. He's around me but barely speaks to me and I always feels like as if I'm irritating him.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
It sounds like your husband is emotionally abusing you, just as you said. Anyone who treats you in a way that it makes you feel bad or deprives you of what you deserve in a relationship is abusing you.
You have tried to communicate to your husband that he is hurting you, but it seems he is not listening. It is often the case with someone who is an abuser that they feel the victim of the abuse is at fault and that they themselves are doing nothing wrong. That is basically how they continue their behavior without noticing that it is hurting the other person.
You also mentioned being worried about your children, which is a very valid concern. Your children are going to see their father as their only example of how a father and husband acts. And if he is abusive, they could potentially pick up on that behavior.
At this point, if your husband refuses to listen to your concerns, there is not much you can do to change him. Many people try to change their spouse and end up even more hurt. It can be depressing and even frightening to try to cope with someone who is abusive and refuses to listen to you. And not letting you express your feelings or listening to you is a way to control you, which is part of abuse.
The first step in dealing with the situation is to suggest counseling. While it is unlikely he will agree, it is worth trying. If he won't go, go on your own. You need the support and to work out how you want to handle the situation.
You also may want to learn more about abuse in a relationship. Here are some resources to help:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel
Knowing when to leave may also help. If your husband becomes more abusive, you need to have a plan on how to get out if you need to. Talk with crisis counselors in your area for advice can help. You can contact them over the phone as well. Also, you can try to see if there are relatives and/or friends who understand your situation who can talk to your husband about his behavior. You can also try his doctor if he is willing to go. Tell the doctor what is going on before your husband sees him/her. Also, if he will not listen to you, he may listen to others.
Try to get out of the home as much as possible and bring your children with you. Show them other examples of marriages and relationships that they can learn from. And if you feel they need counseling, get them appointments as soon as possible. Therapy as well as you talking with them, letting them express their feelings, can help them understand that there are other ways to handle your feelings other than what their father is doing with you.
I hope this has helped you,
May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you so much I am definitely
going to look into a solution for this or at least empowering myself with helpful resources.

You're welcome! You are not in an easy situation. Unless your husband is willing to change, it is important to take care of yourself and your children first. You deserve it.
Please do not forget to rate my service with an OK or higher. Thank you so much!

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