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Ask Dr. Z Your Own Question
Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I tried to chat with you last night and could not get the site

Customer Question

I tried to chat with you last night and could not get the site to respond at all
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello

Dr. Z :

I am sorry that you tried to chat with me last night, but the website would not allow it. It must have been a technical difficulty

Dr. Z :

But I am here now if you want to chat

Customer :

im the guy with the question about why I sexted with another woman

Dr. Z :

Oh yes, you actually rated me with bad service, but I guess that was because of a technical glitch where you could not read my answers

Customer :

yes

Dr. Z :

Alright, I am sorry that happened. Would you like me to close that question so that you can get a refund?

Dr. Z :

And then we can talk about your issue here

Customer :

that would be great

Dr. Z :

No problem, I will put a request with customer service immediately to close the question and explain that you had technical issues with the website

Customer :

thank you

Dr. Z :

So one question I wanted to ask from your query last night was if you have low self-confidence at all or have you ever had low self-confidence?

Customer :

yes

Customer :

since I tore my knee up in high school and lost football from my life

Dr. Z :

Well then that makes sense considering what happened because you enjoyed the attention you were getting from this other woman and that is why you did what you did and it slowly escalated from there. Low self-esteem can cause these issues where you seek out validation from others, especially from the opposite sex too

Dr. Z :

While you definitely did not have strong feelings for this other woman, but you enjoyed the attention you were getting and it boosted your ego and that is what you got the most out of that brief sexting relationship

Customer :

but I had a girlfriend... granted she is rather closed off expressing her feelings or compliments, but I believe we had something very special and were falling in love with each other..

Customer :

is there any way I can help her to understand that it really had no meaning to me.

Dr. Z :

You did have a girlfriend and there was no deep seated feelings for this other woman, but you enjoyed the attention from her and the more people that pay attention to you, the higher your self-confidence becomes and that is why you sought validation from somewhere else

Dr. Z :

It would be difficult to explain to her, but you can describe your low self-confidence and that is why you were seeking validation/reassurance to help boost your self-esteem and then you can say that you are currently going to think about seeking treatment for this, but that this woman did not mean anything to you on a personal level

Customer :

I can totally understand that... any suggestions to avoid things like this in the future? Im highly sensitive to it right now but would never want it to happen again... im a Christian man and I don't cheat.

Dr. Z :

I definitely do not think you cheated, like you were going out to seek other women, but I think it just escalated out of control to a point where it became very problematic for you. Th best type of therapy for this issue is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT has a premise that your symptoms are caused by negative thoughts, so if we change your thought process to be more positive and objective as well, then your symptoms will lessen. So you can try to find a good CBT therapist in your area or possibly I can recommend some good self-help therapy books that are very effective too

Dr. Z :

Well these books are very helpful and can help you avoid these issues in the future for you by raising your self-confidence

Dr. Z :

Are you still there?

Dr. Z :

I am assuming that you had another issue with the chat and that is why you signed off, so I will switch this to a different format so that you can possibly see this.

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 3 years ago.
Sorry it appears that maybe the chat failed again, so here is what I just wrote after you asked if there are ways to avoid this in the future.

I definitely do not think you cheated, like you were going out to seek other women, but I think it just escalated out of control to a point where it became very problematic for you. Th best type of therapy for this issue is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT has a premise that your symptoms are caused by negative thoughts, so if we change your thought process to be more positive and objective as well, then your symptoms will lessen. So you can try to find a good CBT therapist in your area or possibly I can recommend some good self-help therapy books that are very effective too

Well these books are very helpful and can help you avoid these issues in the future for you by raising your self-co nfidence

http://www.amazon.com/Beat-Low-Self-Esteem-CBT-Yourself/dp/0071701044/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1383952351&sr=8-1&keywords=cbt+self+esteem

http://www.amazon.com/The-Self-Esteem-Workbook-Glenn-Schiraldi/dp/1572242523/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1383952351&sr=8-3&keywords=cbt+self+esteem

http://www.amazon.com/Mind-Over-Mood-Change-Changing/dp/0898621283/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1383952365&sr=8-2&keywords=cbt+workbook


So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help you keep track of any negative thoughts you have. You put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want you to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more objective and plausible). This will help you change your way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.

http://www.psychologytools.org/assets/files/Worksheets/CBT_Thought_Record.pdf


Also individuals with low self-esteem have a poor coping mechanism, so this worksheet will help you develop a better coping strategy to manage your symptoms better.

http://media.psychologytools.org/Worksheets/English/TRAP_TRAC.pdf


Individuals with low self-confidence can be helped with this technique that will help you replace any self-critical thoughts that you may have with more positive self-beliefs.
http://media.psychologytools.org/Worksheets/English/Positive_Belief_Record.pdf


Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns at all

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