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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation
No, this is not normal nor acceptable behavior, but unhappily it is not that uncommon either.
You are married and both are adults, into an exclusive marriage as I can understand from your words, and these behaviors obviously go against even basic "mutual" respect you should have towards each other.
I do not think he would feel comfortable and happy if he happens to be in your shoes, would he?
You have already confronted him about it, now you need to reassess your core needs and expectations in your marriage and talk to him about it, setting clear boundaries he should respect.
Unhappily if he does show not caring about what you think, feel or need, I do not see any many options here but for you to come to terms that your marriage is suffering of very poor reciprocal respect, trust, intimacy and affection, and that you would need to learn to cope with it as much as possible if you want to afford it the way it is, or look for a professional marriage psychotherapist to support you to work on this overwhelming situation and carefully assess your options and what you are truly willing and able to afford now and in the long run.
Obviously, it would be necessary for him to agree to participate of marriage counseling with you, but many times in scenarios like this, when a spouse becomes this abusive, they also refuse to consider any situation where their dysfunctional and abusive ways could be exposed, that's why I said you would need to take this initiative to get all the necessary tools to work on coping with this tough situation, besides of the help you could get from your support system...
...namely your close and supportive family members and friends.
what should I do if he insist on doing it. I do love him
You would assertively confront his behaviors, sharing your feelings of pain because of it, asking him to end such behavior and to work on healing and nurturing your relationship with professional support, offering all the understanding, help an support you could offer as a healthy and caring spouse.
I mentioned that we need a mirage consulting when I confront him. he refused.
For a marriage to heal, develop and grow as a healthy and fulfilling one, it requires "mutual" respect and caring before anything, without them, no matter how much you could love your husband, his abusive and neglectful actions would continue hurting you, undermining not only your marriage but your personal mental, emotional and physical health, your whole well-being.
I see, and unhappily matches what I just said before. This is why you need to focus on working on yourself in order to know what you can and want to do and afford in order to take good care of yourself, once he is unwilling to end his abusive behaviors.
I have not talk to anyone, I feel embarrassed for me and him
Please do not feel embarrassed because you have done nothing wrong here, but you are suffering the consequences of his choices and actions,need and deserve support, since this is obviously not only unhealthy, but very hurtful and destructive, traumatic for most women in your shoes.
You can and should only take full responsibility for your feelings, choices and actions, and not feel guilty or ashamed because of his actions. He is an adult and he knows what he has been doing and choose to perpetuate and must hold full accountability for that.
Holding in your pain, could only hurt you even more, pushing yourself to develop depression, anxiety disorders or any other serious mental health or medical problem, and that's the last thing you want to afford now.
Repressing your feelings of pain could only poising you, this is why trusting your loved ones and a good psychotherapist is so important for you to be able to effectively cope and heal from this overwhelming reality.
You cannot control him, but you need to control what depends on you in order to make things easier and not more painful for you.
Does it make sense?
Remember that the first and most important relationship that you have is with yourself, and that when tough situations arise is when you need to support yourself the most. being unconditionally patient, gentle, compassionate, understanding and supportive with yourself, since it is from there that you would know how to effectively cope and not to allow any form of abuse.
He argues that he is chatting with girl but nothing unhealthy. He did not go out with anyone. He doesn't spend my money etc. want me leave out of it.
or ignore it.
he will continue to justify his behavior dismissing your feelings, concerns and pain. he expects you to tolerate it as fine, and only you can decide if that's what you truly want and can afford here. As I said, would he also accept and feel fine and happy if you do exactly the same? I d not believe you would do this at all but just want to assess how honest and assertive or abusive and manipulative your husband happens to be, for you to better assess your reality, and choose what would the the best for you,
He get home early everyday He agues that He cook
This is why I think professional psychotherapy is essential in this process for you to work on it.
He argue that he cooks for the family and pick up the kids, He feel trapped need space.
Then he is telling you that he does not like nor want to afford the marital and family responsilbilities and life, that they appear as a punishment or something pushed to him and not something he does because he truly cares and wants to, feeling meaning and fulfillment in his life by sharing and taking good care of you. This is very sad and painful
Nobody should justify doing something unhealthy or abusive because of formally complying with some core responsibilities, that'd be pure and very abusive manipulation, inconsistent and incompatible with real affectiona, respect and caring.
We have one son (21 in college) and a daughter (11 in 6 grade). I love them very much and don't want to hurt them. So, professional psychotherapy is what I need now?
I totally support you and I do not see you have been hurting them at all but your husband for sure has, and this is why I strongly suggest you to consider professional individual psychotherapy with a marriage and family therapist to work on it.
I have not seen any psychotherapist before. Should I just make appointment for myself?
Yes, please look for a Marriage and family Therapist (MFT) who could support you with individual psychotherapy as soon as possible.
He said he is doing everything he needs to (duty wise) ask me what i want him to do. I said stop chatting. He said no, not now that I intrude his computer.
She/he would meet you and assess your situation, and discuss about developing and action plan that could support you to work on coping with this tough situation.
Unhappily he shows very poor insight and respect, since he is not an employee or a strager providing a service but a husband and parent, and he is obviously denying and avoiding all the other core responsibilities that come with these core roles.
Thank you very much! I feel much better now after talking with you
You're very welcome. Thank you for being this open here, for trusting me. Lease take gentle care and consistent action getting the support you need from your loved ones and from a good professional to effectively cope, heal and grow from this very painful situation.
Feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.
Do I need to tell my husband that I am seek a professional support?
I am afraid to worsen our relationship. He said I am making a big deal here