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psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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I have been in a relationship for two years with a woman who

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Hi I have been in a relationship for two years with a woman who was in an abusive relationship and has some problems. She take anti depression medication and beta blockers. She suffers from anxiety too. The thing is she has constantly put me on edge throughout our relationship, accusing me of all manor of things. Eg if I open a newspaper -I'm looking at women, If I go on the internet - I'm looking at porn, If I'm out with her - I'm looking at other you see the pattern here. I can honestly say that there is no grounds for her accusations and she assures me that she was never cheated on in her past. There is nothing in my past to give her cause for concern, I was in a relationship for 18 years and married for 9 years of it before amicably separating. Now though I feel constantly on edge with her just waiting for the next accusation, which always causes a massive rift. I also thing my work is being affected as I seem to be frightened of my clients and bosses more than ever, which isn't good for a project manager! I do love her very much and 99% of the time we have a heppy relationship (but with an underlying fear factor) Could my relationship be the cause of my anxiety/fear at work? do I need to make a change? Note we are both 44 years old.

A relationship could always be the stress. When we are stressed we can manifest all of the symptoms. If you feel the relationship is worth it after weighing the pros and cons then you can slowly help her rebuilding trust. Behavior such as this stems from insecurity and she has to realize that you are not that person. This takes time and a lot of relationship work. She may realize that you are a good guy and deserve trust and respect. If she isn't open to a trusting relationship then things may not change. If your relationship is good most of the time then its time to work together on this issue. Anxiety can trickle down in other settings. Ask yourself whether working on her is worth your time. Sometimes things become clearer with time. Issues such as insecurity on her part respond well to honesty and hard work. You may find old favorites like Codependency No More helping.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thanks Doctor,

My girlfriend did sort of acknowledge the Codependency No More checklist, however she maintains that it is mainly down to me being quite and hiding things from her. This is true but it's a chicken & egg situation as I have tried to protect her from things that I am sure that she will over react to due to her hypersensitivity, this would then result in her list every occaision in our relationship where she felt I had acted inappropriately. I have made a list below. My question is can she ever be happy with be me or anyone else without dealing with her issues?

1. Lickey Hill – accused of looking at a woman while having coffee

2. 18th Birthday Party – (Looked at the dance floor instead of girlfriend)

3. DVD - The Wrestler (stripper content)

4. Croome National Trust – Statues (looked at stone statues of topless women)

5. TV - Coronation St (looked at Maria too intently)

6. France - Amphibious jeep (looked at jeep with a playboy bunny sticker on it)

7. National Trust – (stopped and looked at part of building we hadn’t been in)

8. TV - History programme (looked at fully dressed presenter and stopped rubbing leg)

9. TV – Coast (looked up from sorting photo’s when presenter mentioned POW’s painting naked women on cloth)

10. Webbs - waiting outside the loo (stood next to a box with a woman on)

11. Morrisons – looking around the shelves (accused of having a wandering eye)

12. Craft market stood looking at candles (stood next to a woman with a push chair)

13. German Market – looking at a stall (product with a woman on)

14. Driving down the Bristol Road looking at the building site (accused of looking at a woman)

15. Driving down the road ‘looked at some woman’ (accused of looking at a woman)

16. Bought a laptop – accused of looking at porn

17. Dancing – Accused of trying to meet women

18. TV – accidentally clicked onto adult channel with Sharon in the room (must be automatic)

19. Ex – accused of being in love with ex

20. Cheryl Cole book - accused be of fancying Cheryl Cole when her autobiography was found in bookcase

21. Got upset when a song by 'Blondie' was my alarm tone

22. Accused of going on about the woman at the bank when I went with my Mum

23. stood out side toilets at cinema accused of acting strange to look at some rough looking woman

24. Accused of still loving my ex more than her after getting decree absolute through due to my tone when reading it out over the phone.

I agree that this list is very comprehensive and quite interested. These all relate to trust as you mentioned. Trust can always be mended if both parties are motivated. The lack of trust is creating situations that lead to these exaggerates. You both with hard work can overcome such obstacles. Situations are exaggerated by a lack of trust.. Find someone to work with you both and consider the 12 step programs for spouses. your motivation is everything
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