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My 24 year old fiancee shows signs of emotional immaturity

and compulsive lying due to...
My 24 year old fiancee shows signs of emotional immaturity and compulsive lying due to extremely controlling parents she lives with. We have been in a relationship with a girl (24) for 3.5 years and engaged for one year now. We’ve been in somewhat long distance (2 hrs drive). She is not allowed visit me (or sleep over) until we get married so she lies to her parents when she visits me during the day. She keeps lying, use ‘my parents asked me to stay home tonight’ excuse to go out behind my back, making up stories or exaggerate facts aimed to comfort her, constantly depressed, hides things, makes excuses for everything, blames me etc. I've tried to set boundaries but nothing works. I love her but I can't take being lied to and disrespected like this. Two weeks ago I found out she went out to a club behind my back after lying to my face that she needs to be home early. I snapped and instead of confronting her again, stopped communicating. Will this change when/if we move in together?
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Answered in 1 minute by:
10/12/2013
Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10,643
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Verified
Dr. Z :

Hello

Dr. Z :

I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry that your fiancee has been exhibiting these symptoms with you, I can imagine how this must distress you.

Dr. Z :

I would like to ask a couple questions to get some more information, so that I can better help you

Dr. Z :

Has your fiancee always displayed this type of behavior, or is this more recent?

Customer:

Hello, thank you. Yes its been bitter. I feel like ending it.

Customer:

Since we've met

Customer:

I thought this would change

Customer:

Her family did not really accept me since I am older. I proposed and was hoping for her to take me seriously and for her family too. But nothing changed.

Dr. Z :

So she has always been like this since knowing her?

Customer:

Well I caught her telling little lies couple of months after we started dating

Customer:

I dismissed it

Dr. Z :

Does she ever think she is better than others?

Customer:

then she lied more, I was always confronting her and telling to stop. In the back of my mind I was getting where all the lying is coming from, and was sure once she moves out it will stop

Customer:

No, she doesn't.

Customer:

But she admits she is irritated by almost everyone around her except me

Customer:

so maybe she does, but not telling me

Dr. Z :

Now you say that she has depression, does she have low self-esteem as well?

Customer:

I think yes in a way

Customer:

she was always demanding for my attention and for me to tell her that she is beautiful

Dr. Z :

Does she like to be the center of attention a lot?

Customer:

no

Dr. Z :

Is she a jealous person at all?

Customer:

she constantly complains about the lack of my support, and demanding more and more support, I can only support so much

Customer:

Yes she used to be extremely jelous

Customer:

Even about me going to bar with guys to watch a hockey game

Customer:

We set certain rules, what we can or can't do

Customer:

but over the years she started to bend them

Customer:

I took it as she needs more freedom and space, and I did not want to be her other parent to control her

Customer:

Because that's what I want her to leave and kind of grow up

Dr. Z :

What are her goals in life? Are they realistic?

Customer:

They seemed to be quite unrealistic when we started dating, but lately she's been struggling with last year of undergrad, she seem to not to believe in herself and not sure about anything

Customer:

When we met, she was saying she wants to be a head of hospital with just an undergrad degree. I told her she needs to be a doctor, she exploded

Customer:

The problem is that I don't know what to believe

Customer:

like we had plans to move in together once she is done univ. but she keeps on retaking courses for a year now, with lots of inconsistencies about how many left

Customer:

I have a feeling she is just scared to move out and thinks that I will break it if I see she is done but doesn't want to take things further

Dr. Z :

Okay I think your fiancee may have traits of a disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). I do not think she has the whole disorder, but traits and parts of it. I think this an overcompensation from her depression and low self-esteem. The constant lying, manipulating, doing things to benefit her, unrealistic goals, etc... are all signs of this disorder. Here is a link to for more details.

Customer:

ok thanks doc, so what advice can you give me? ask her to go to counseling or walk away?

Customer:

I read some stuff online about her type of behavior and yes I've seen the word narcissistic pop up

Dr. Z :

Well this is a difficult disorder to treat, there is no doubt about that, but since she only exhibits traits and I think it is tied to her self-esteem, treatment outlook is positive. I would recommend couple's counseling, so she knows that you are there for each other. This wont be cured or managed over night, it will take time, but if you both are patient with it than I predict that she will be fine. Here are some good books to help give you insight on this too

Customer:

ok thank you I'll give it a read

Dr. Z :

Anytime, I am always happy to help. I wish you and your fiancee all the best, ***** ***** hope she responds well to treatment. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.

Customer:

ok, thanks Dr. Z it was very helpful

Dr. Z :

I am glad that I was able to help. I wish you both all the best :)

Customer:

thanks, ***** ***** good night

Dr. Z :

You have a good night as well

Dr. Z :

Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much

Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10,643
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Verified
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Dr. Z
Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10,643
10,643 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.

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