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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about your situation.
From your words I can see you truly love your wife very much, but the episodes you are reporting here shows serious issues in your marriage-family.
For a person to do present these behaviors, there must be serious personality problems undermining her ability to share and cope with challenges and problems in healthy and acceptable ways. How did you handle this last episode once you found out she was lying?
very bad, i was extremely angry and i hit her, which was wrong.
Then it is truly serious, since this involves clear dysfunctions undermining your marital and family life, and I do not see how these pattern could just disappear without each of you working on what depends on you to make changes, and for that it seems obvious to me you need professional support.
what do you recommend?
A core concern I have about your situation, is how it could be literally distorting your children's personality, and from there their ability to create and enjoy healthy and fulfilling relationships and lives as adults.
Marriage counseling for sure, but also individual counseling for each of you to work on personal issues leading to and fueling the marital and family problems.
my youngest son has a similiar personality to his mum and i am concerned about this for his future. he is 15 years of age.
You see what I mean then. This is the biggest concern here, since they are just learning how to see, feel and take care of themselves, and how to cope and share with other people, they are the helpless victims here, and that's why actions must be taken to work on real and positive changes here, in both of you as spouses and parents.
family therapy would be necessary too, but again, first each of you need to work on personal changes, then marriage counseling would be beneficial and from there family counseling would help your communication and work as a team.
I recommend individual counseling for your youngest son too.
ok then to finish off, for individual counseling what profession do we see?
Professional psychotherapist with expertise in individual counseling, Or you could just get good marriage and family therapist to support each of you, since they are the best qualified in these individual, marital and family issues.
thanks for the advice
But you'd need to get at least one for you, another different for your wife, and another for marriage counseling.