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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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My wife cannot function sexually as intercourse is now

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My wife cannot function sexually as intercourse is now painful. She has absolutely no interest in sexual activity and doesn't really want to help me. Frankly, sex with a disinterested partner is not that appealing anyway. My question is about masturbation. In these circumstances, is it wise to fantasize or watch porn and masturbate? Would that be a healthy outlet for unavoidable urges, or would it just intensify my desires and lead to frustration & resentment?
Dr. Z :

Hello

Dr. Z :

I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry about the lack of libido from your wife, I can imagine how that must frustrate you

Dr. Z :

May I ask, how old is your wife and what do you believe is the cause of the loss of interest in sex and the pain wtih sex for her

Customer:

She is 55 now. I am 52. We've been married nearly 25 years. Sex has always been a problem for us. She has had trouble getting aroused, not aroused very often. But with age and hysterectomy, now her occasional and slow interest is just gone

Customer:

I love and cherish her anyway :) just so you know

Dr. Z :

Okay, I am so sorry to hear about this difficulty with your wife. So to answer your original question I think the masturbation and watching pornography would be a good release for you, but I am afraid that it would make your wife feel humiliated or possibly less valued. Also it is possible that you may get addicted to the masturbation as well because of how readily available it can be for you.

Customer:

Of course, I try to do these things in private when she is not around... and on my own computer. She is aware that I masturbate. I've told her when we discuss this. But I try not to expose her to it.

Dr. Z :

Well if she is aware of it and does not feel this is a bad thing for your relationship, then I think it would be okay. But just remember to continue to show her emotional affection as well, some men forget this when their physical affection is coming from masturbation.

Dr. Z :

Also possibly be seeing a sex therapist to discuss different sexual positions that are not painful for her that you can try and the therapist can help promote more intimacy and that emotional connection back into your relationship. Also a small dose of testosterone can be prescribed to help increase her libido. Also the antidepressant Wellbutrin has been used in studies to increase a women's libido as well.

Dr. Z :

In addition, some physicians can prescribe a lotion or cream to combat vaginal dryness if that is a complaint for her pain as well.

Customer:

Thank you... one last detail... What would warning signals be to let me know I'm getting "addicted" to porn or masturbation?

Dr. Z :

If you are doing it as a stress reliever more so than for a sexual release. If you see yourself doing it more than 3-4 times a days can be considered an addiction. If you would rather masturbate then do other activities, like go out on a date or with friends. If you get blisters or red/raw skin on your penis can be considered an addiction too

Customer:

Thank you Dr. I may approach her about a sex therapist.

Dr. Z :

I think that could be a wise move for both of you. Would you like recommendations for a sex therapist in your area?

Customer:

sure

Dr. Z :

What is your zip code, so I can look in your area?

Customer:

30062. but are you just looking in phone directories that I could reference? or do you have some other basis for recommending someone?

Dr. Z :

I have another basis to find someone, not just phone directories or the yellow pages. I will give you a list of ones that are good for you and you can choose one. Give me a few minutes

Dr. Z :

So all of these therapists are Certified Sex Therapists, which means that they are very qualified in their fields and that they went through post-graduate training in sex therapy

Dr. Z :

There is also a really good one right near you too

Dr. Z :

Is there anything else I can assist you with tonight?

Customer:

You say "there is also a really good one right near you too." which one is that?

Dr. Z :

That was the first link I gave you, sorry for not making that clearer

Customer:

no problem. Thanks for your help. I'm signing off now.

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