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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.
Could you please clarify what you are referring to when you say that "It's just gotten progressively worse over the past few years"?
From your message it seems you only heard from him about his decision and request to get divorced 4 days ago, right? But also said that he's gotten worse over the past few years. Do you mean your marital relationship has been worsenign, once you mentioned you have had no sexual relationships in the present year?
He seems to be suffering from depression as you commented, once he also feels no joy in his job and has a family history of depression.
He said his happiness has progressively gotten worse over the past few years. I just found out about it 4 days ago.
Also, He had an affair 5 years ago. We worked our way through it... or so I thought. He had already called off the affair by the time I found out aboutit
He also said he didn't remember telling me he didn't find joy at work. He said he's just been having trouble concentrating and getting things done at work because he's so unhappy at home.
At the same time is very good the fact that he is now telling you that he is willing to go to counseling to work on healing your marriage, but only his concrete actions more than his words would show you if he is truly honest and willing to work on healing your marriage and making it work.
Then he is not acknowledging his own statements and that's concerning, and one more reason for you not to trust words but believe only in actions, since they show you how honest, respectful and willing or not he is to work on himself and on your marriage.
yeah... day one he just said... no.. it's over... I'm empty. I don't want to try.
Day 2, I told him I don't believe it and reminded him of all the good times. He said to stop because I was just confusing him.
Personally, I thought he NEEDS to get confused. He hasn't talked to anyone about this and all of this is in his own head. He said he thinks I may be right and he may need professional help. But how do I know if he's completely honest with his therapist when he gets one?
There is no way for you to know for sure, if he chooses not to be honest towards him/her, therapy would be useless
The only way you would have an idea of how real, honest and caring he happens to be would be through his consistent actions, they will show you more than words what he wants and is willing to to for his on health and for the marriage.
I'm just trying to figure out should I just stop talking about it for a day or so? Or should I continue? I don't want to get annoying and push him further away. He's not really doing anything at the moment. He's just not leaving. We are still in the same bed. He gives me a hug and kiss before bed and when he goes to work. But I don't know if he's just doing it to make me feel better or not. I don't know if he's just doing the motions... and that's all
He says he doesn't want to be married anymore, to anyone. He thinks he will be happier alone.
I understand, and agree with you that pushing him would not help, what does not mean you should deny or avoid working on it, since it needs both of you taking care of the situation Allow him a few days then when there is a time where you could talk without a hurry, talk to him about it, about getting individual and marriage counseling, and everything would evolve from there.
I think that is the plan I have been pushing for and he is actually now... after 4 days receptive to it.
If after a couple of days, once you invite him to talk about it, specially to get counseling he continues to refuse any further talk or the possibility of getting support, then you would have to reassess your core needs and expectations, and what you are would need to do to take good care of yourself.
Right now, it's more about our kids. I have done some soul searching and I know I could live without him. It would take a lot of effort. But, our kids are 9 and 13. One is on top of the world and the other is having a few challenges with anger (runs in his family as well) I just think (and he agrees) that this would pull the rug out from both of their feet. He doesn't want that to happen. His DREAM is to divorce, live around the corner and be GREAT FRIENDS and he will still be a great father. He says he just wants me to be happy and find someone else that can do that. I think OH POO! We started dating when I was 16. We dated off and on until I was 23 and we got married. I don't want anyone else.
This is very sad but real, and denying or avoiding it would not help but cause more pain to all of you. It's very sad but he is telling you all these things and you need to assess the pros and cons of each main option you may have, in order to choose what would cause less harm and pain to all of you.
You are being very clear about what you need and want, unhappily he is telling you the opposite and seem to be convinced of what he wants too, ad that's why it would not work unless he deeply transforms the way he thinks and feels.
That's not what I really wanted to hear. but I do see your point. I'm just hoping he can go to this therapist and realize he's depressed and I get my husband back. I know I'm probably in fantasy land with fairy tails and unicorns. But A girl has to hope.
Right now, that's all I have. hope. I just need a glimmer of light to keep holding on.
Right. Depression plays a core role in this situation for sure, but he is the only one with the power and responsibility to work on it with necessary support. You could do your best to promote healing in your marriage, but he has to do the same for it to work.
Thank you! He just called and has an appointment at 9:00 in the morning.
Get individual counseling for you to effectively cope with this tough reality and know how to best support him, then everything else would be about hoping he would do the same.
The counselor he found does individual and couples. We are going to do both.
Perfect! Work on it offering your best, ***** ***** have your wonderful children and what could be better than that. Then time will tell, focus on what depends on you.
I suggest you to get one for individual counseling and another different for marriage counseling , otherwise there could be conflicts around impartiality and other potential ethical issues undermining the support you get.
Please feel free to contact me for any further support since I am here to support you.