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My boyfriend broke up with me because I lied about going to

my therapy appointment on Tuesday...
my boyfriend broke up with me because I lied about going to my therapy appointment on Tuesday instead I went on Wednesday. He said he drove up to my work and saw me outside while I was suppose to be at therapy and that's how he knew I didn't go. He thinks I've lied about the going to therapy for the last month which I have not. I just rescheduled my appointment that one day. I truly feel like my therapy is only my business. Now he is calling a mutual friend of ours and saying he never drove up there he just said that to catch me in a lie and I did admit I lied. But how does catching me in a lie with lie justify his actions? Please help me understand.....so heartbroken.
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Answered in 20 minutes by:
9/15/2013
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3,564
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
Verified
Coach Jen K. :

Hi and welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Coach Jen K. :

It sounds to me as if there is a lot of mistrust in this relationship and this one incident highlights it.

Coach Jen K. :

Yes therapy is your business and it can be your business, but that does not mean lying about it is the way to go.

Coach Jen K. :

it is important to look at the reasons you felt you had to lie about it to understand what is really going on for you around this. do you feel pressured to go? Is this something you don't really want you to be doing?

Coach Jen K. :

Does he intrude on that space and want to know what is going on with your therapy?

Coach Jen K. :

You are allowed to have a boundary around your personal space and you can set that boundary with him so you don't have to lie.

Coach Jen K. :

in terms of his behavior, why does he have mistrust that so much is being made about this issue?

Coach Jen K. :

He continues to intrude by calling a friend and involving others.

Coach Jen K. :

has there been cheating in this relationship?

Coach Jen K. :

getting back to the basics here in this relationship is what is important and having better communication.

Coach Jen K. :

hi. welcome. I see you are here with me.

Coach Jen K. :

Are you here with me?

Customer:

Well he is 52 and I am 33. We've been dating on and off for 5 months. He dumped the first time because I told him he made me feel like I was just sex to him. Then we got back together and when I asked how he felt about this relationship he broke up with me again. This last time we got back together he knew I had been put on Prozac for depression and had starting seeing a therapist. He would always ask me did you go to therapy? What did y'all talk about it? Did you take your medicine today. Please keep in mind that biggest issue is my self esteem. I am not bi-polar or schizophrenic. The therapist I have been seeing is named Holli so he went as far as calling my doctors office to see the last time I had been and calling to see if they had a therapist named Holli. To which they said they BECAUSE they've had so many therapist quit that they had to refer some patient out to therapist that will agree to help take on some patients till they can get us in at the office. They are not employed by my doctors office therefore they are not on the website and receptionist apparently only know they ones that are in the actual office. Now I didn't know all this because I didn't care. I had no idea Holli wasn't on the website because I honestly didn't care they referred me to her and I went. But since he wont talk to me and let me explain anything he believes Holli is fake. Even I had to call my doctors office to find out why she wasn't on the website. But as my doctor explained they are booked out 6 month on therapy appointment and people just can't wait that long. I lied to protect myself. I didn't want him to get mad for me rescheduling the appointment.

Coach Jen K. :

This sounds like a very difficult relationship for you and he breaks up with you for no reason.

Coach Jen K. :

Direct question: Why do you want to stay in this? This sounds too painful and difficult to negotiate your life.

Coach Jen K. :

he intrudes everywhere and suspects that you are always mistrustful. Dont you deserve more?

Coach Jen K. :

I hear your low self esteem but that is not a reason to stay with someone whom mistrusts you and treats you poorly

Customer:

I honestly don't know I love him and I hate the thought that he hates me. I hope I deserve more.

Customer:

But he thinks he treats me great but the problem is always me and never him

Coach Jen K. :

I understand that you feel love for him, but it is never just one person.

Coach Jen K. :

I feel sad that he has manipulated you like this and you believe him. Are you a Mom?

Customer:

and I just don't feel like me lying which was wrong over one appointment deserves all this

Customer:

I'm not a mom but I am an aunt

Coach Jen K. :

it doesnt and it just shows how out of control things are that you feel you need to lie to protect yourself from his intrusion and accusations.

Coach Jen K. :

ok and if you say your nieces or nephews being treated this way how would you feel for them?

Customer:

which he would show up to my sister house all the time when I was there visiting my nieces without calling he would just show up. I would never accept my nieces being treated this way.

Coach Jen K. :

ok so that is how you need to see things. I know your self esteem is suffering here and he does not help it.

Coach Jen K. :

I would suggest that you speak with hollie about this relationship and try and build up your self esteem to realize that this is not a healthy way of relating

Customer:

I just feel like a horrible person for on mistake. I have apt with Holli Monday even though my ex truly believes I made her up which hurts so bad who would make something like that up

Coach Jen K. :

You are taking responsibility for everything and he has helped you to do that. this is not how healthy relationships function. He has deep issues of mistrust and he is placing them on you.

Coach Jen K. :

I am glad you are seeing Hollie tomorrow. This si where your work is....why staying in something and taking resp. for everything is what you do.

Coach Jen K. :

Think of your nieces because that allows you to see it more clearly.

Customer:

I guess I just feel like I don't deserve this? I feel like I'm being attacked. Why call our mutual friend who he hasn't talked to in 6 months but I talk to daily and bad mouth me? And tell her you never drove up there. Catching a lie with a lie is no more justified.

Coach Jen K. :

I agree with you.

Customer:

Thank you for making me this a little clearer for me. I can't control his actions and I have not spoken poorly of him. Besides its probably like my dad says when you love someone really love them you work through things. You can't run away at every little thing. I truly don't think I deserve this. With continued therapy I hope I can see and truly come to believe that.

Coach Jen K. :

I am so happy to see what you have just written. That is the thinking that will help you. You deserve to be treated well and without this mistrust that has nothing to do with you.

Coach Jen K. :

Come to me anytime you need.

Coach Jen K. :

Can I support you further now?

Customer:

Thank you so much. I am so glad y'all are here for us. Please know your service matter.

Customer:

have a wonderful day and thanks again. I think he is putting his own trust issues off on me as well and its nice to know Im not alone in that feeling

Coach Jen K. :

Thank you for that lovely compliment. If you need me again put for CoachJenK only at the beginning of your question.

Coach Jen K. :

Please take a moment to offer a rating of my work.

Customer:

will do thank you and I will do the rating

Coach Jen K. :

i agree with what you just said. great work.

Customer:

thanks

Coach Jen K. :

have a wonderful day

Customer:

you to

TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3,564
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
Verified
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TherapistJen
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3,564
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Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker.

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