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Z my wife just cut off my phone ,I asked the phone co and

Hi Dr Z...
Hi Dr Z my wife just cut off my phone ,I asked the phone co and its temporary,and I think this is her way of staying in control, because if not she would have killed the account, so I ma contacting our pastor for him to ask her how much, I think this is her last desperate act???
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Answered in 2 minutes by:
9/10/2013
Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10,643
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Dr. Z. :

Hello again :)

Dr. Z. :

I am so sorry that you cut off your phone from the account. You are right it definitely does sound like she is trying to stay in control and also a tad vengeful and spiteful too

Dr. Z. :

Why do you call this her last desperate act?

Customer:

like a final dig, not sure, I bumped in to her a church ,,I said sorry and went to the room I needed to go to ,, I am thinking shes figured her lawyer is throwing in the towel,in court and shes need to do just one more thing before not sure ,, im thinking you are right but it temporary , because she could have just killed it but I have to ask her to turn it on ??

Dr. Z. :

I think forcing you to ask her to turn on the phone is her way of showing that she has control and power. I think she is probably doing this out of spite and she may be having one of those anger outbursts associated with BPD.

Dr. Z. :

Definitely ask your pastor to ask why she turned off your phone since you need your phone to communicate with others.

Customer:

so with her anger shes telling she has to be in control, she also knows ill just get a new one , but i asked her to release it to me a week ago, and no answer , now this it her wanting to be incontrol??

Dr. Z. :

No if she wanted to be in control she would release your phone, but since she refused, this is most likely her anger talking.

Dr. Z. :

I think she is trying to be spiteful and hurt you by her actions, which is her disorder talking and may be a sign that she thinks you are moving on with her life and this scares her, so she responds in anger.

Dr. Z. :

*moving on with YOUR life and this scares her

Customer:

ok so is this bad or spite, and so I ask to please turn it on and I pay some bill money , is this bad for me ,how do i make it right??

Dr. Z. :

It may be a good sign, but I do sense the desperation as you said earlier. You can ask politely to turn on the phone and if she does not then get a new phone, act like this did not bother you at all, that will cause her more fear

Dr. Z. :

And then she will think more about reconciliation

Customer:

kind of like poker , to reassure her im yours would be stupid??

Dr. Z. :

Yeah it would show that you are needy and still need her. So basically you are bluffing and showing her that you can move on from this and be happy, while she will think "Oh no I am going to be all alone and he will be happy."

Dr. Z. :

So it would be a good idea to act like this does not bother you

Customer:

so you feel sure ,,you see I wrote my lawyer to day ,about stepping this up so I can get moving and close this but reconciliation is still my desire, with her,and he called them and there reply was they could be considering this but she could not answer this yet ??

Dr. Z. :

Well then do not step it up if she cannot confirm reconciliation to her lawyers, give her some patience and time. Right now she is getting desperate and is leaning towards reconciliation, but you can push her too fast as she is in a delicate and vulnerable place right now. But it is a good sign that she is at least thinking about it

Customer:

ok got an idea on how not to screw this up ,time wise when I saw her she looked great ,and taking on a lead job in a ministry,?

Dr. Z. :

That is good, how did she react to you when you saw her?

Customer:

a little for 1 or 2 seconds or so not shock a bit surprised but real calm I said oops im sorry ,she nodded and said its ok ,but did not show any anger. at all

Dr. Z. :

That is a positive sign that she did not show any anger, and also good of you not to force her into a conversation as well. It sounded like a very brief encounter, but not a bad one. at all

Customer:

you see the court is September 30, but by then judge pre reads all the actions for the next day,and he will see how bad and a waist of the courts time, she get told in court she wasted his time and tax payers dollars, and i am afraid this will set all this back not sure , i am told this by cop friends..

Dr. Z. :

Usually it is set back at a later date, the court system, especially in civil courts, go very slowly. So this will give her more time to think about reconciliation. You can always ask you lawyer if she would be willing to go to couples counseling if the court was delayed for a significant portion of time.

Dr. Z. :

The courts usually like reconciliation, so they sometimes push for couples counseling if both parties agree to it

Dr. Z. :

Lawyers also like it too because it means less paperwork for them.

Customer:

Im afraid he will get in her face and her lawyer and she will be publicly embarrassed ,and reject my overture for reconciliation

Dr. Z. :

Okay, well in that case, then let her bring up reconciliation if that is what she decides. I would not want her to reject you in open court

Customer:

so this is why her lawyer wants to close this so the judge will not get down on him , rather than her because he took a bad case , and he is was suppose to talk her out of this , you see for a new lawyer this is showing bad decision making and he will look relay stupid

Dr. Z. :

Okay, I understand. Well I think by delaying it a little bit will help you with your situation with your wife. Her lawyer may just be trying to save face, but you just have to think about your wife. Hopefully she will make a decision and choose reconciliation soon.

Customer:

ok i think of her a lot she really looked wonderful, it will get thrown out , and i want her integrity saved, but i know he has explained all this to her ,because if its thrown out there will be no next time for her ,its like peter and the wolf,

Dr. Z. :

I can tell that you truly do love her and care for her immensely. Trust you lawyer that he will do what is in your best interest and right now he knows that your best interest is trying at reconciliation. In the mean time keep doing with what you are doing and her anxiety will start to increase as she may start to feel lonely and miss you. If she knows that reconciliation is on the table, she may consider it.

Customer:

I really hope so ,, I am hoping so im thinking today is the 10th so in less the 20 days she will be able to figure that reconciliation is a good deal???

Dr. Z. :

I truly hope she does. It seems like her behavior is leaning towards that because she will increase her anger when she feels she is being rejected and I think that is what she did with cutting off your phone. Again I cannot guarantee this, but I am hopeful that she will consider reconciliation as she is following a usual pattern of behavior in relationships/marriages with someone who has BPD.

Customer:

so when I get my gear friday what can I expect now ,the pastor will be there, hes a cool guy,will she rub in she had my phone cut off or do you think that will be a dead thing by then ,,,because I sign more escrow papers tomorrow, i know shes figured i'm selling the old house ,will she turn up the anger , even in front of our pastor, or what if she asks to see the documents ,should i ???

Dr. Z. :

Do not let her see the documents without discussing with your lawyer first. I think she has knows that you are selling the old house, and she did not show you any anger during your brief encounter with her today, so i do not think she will get angry on Friday. I do not think she will rub it in about your phone, I suspect that she will wait for you to bring it up, but do not do that. I do not believe the meeting on Friday to get your gear will be unpleasant, so I would not worry about it I were you.

Dr. Z. :

*so I would not worry about it IF I were you.

Customer:

so if she tells my pastor in the morning i need to pay her the bill and that is what our pastor works out ,,should I ..I guess so ?? do you think she might find a way to catch me in privet,

Dr. Z. :

If you do not want this phone bill to be a big issue, then sure just pay it if that is what she wants. She might try catching you in private while you are there to talk briefly, but I think she would have done that today at least when you two ran into each other on accident. Still it is a possibility.

Customer:

do you think it will be bad or good ,,you see today there were to many people around,

Dr. Z. :

Has she every gotten mad at you in front of people before, even at church?

Customer:

no ,a bit like a sour look. you see its all how others see her at church is where she has to be saintly, i will be honest i would not mind a kiss

Dr. Z. :

I know, you very much miss her and would like some affection from her to know that it is all going to be okay. So you can recognize her sour looks, did she give you any sour looks when you saw her today?

Customer:

not a one a moment of surprise ,and like said oops im sorry ,she nodded and said its ok ??

Dr. Z. :

So most likely she will not act mean to you when you see her on Friday and if she does try to see you in private, it will probably be a good thing.

Customer:

like lets talk some how even if we are not suppose to , other than her place or hand me a note so meet???

Dr. Z. :

Well probably not that elaborate, she may just want to ask how you are doing and may be even say that she misses you. It could be something really small, so if she does talk to you in private, do not expect a big thing.

Customer:

ok , just wish full thinking, because a long time age when she and i were in a similar thing she needed to talk , touch , kiss , and you know all really fast like two weeks , she is very impulsive as you say,

Dr. Z. :

And she could do that on Friday, but I do not want to get your hopes up, so like I said if she does try to speak to you in private do not expect it to be a big gesture. But even if it is a small gesture, that is still positive.

Customer:

well ok at least she will not claw my eyes out, just kidding ,,but if she askes me if im going to move away what do I say

Dr. Z. :

Tell her the truth. Say that if she truly wants a divorce, then you will respect her decision and then you will move away. You do not have to tell her where exactly though

Customer:

ok say if you truly want a divorce .then tell her I respect it ,and I will be moving on ??

Dr. Z. :

Yeah that is a good way to put it because you are still telling her indirectly that if she also chooses reconciliation then you will respect that as well.

Customer:

so the this will cause what total panic or what

Dr. Z. :

It will not cause a total panic in her, but it will present the choice to her and will help her understand that she can also stop this if she wants to.

Customer:

ah ok this may not even happen ,she may not say a word, but I think she will ask questions, like if she starts divorce papers im stuck for a while longer to get my furniture??

Dr. Z. :

She may ask questions and she may not, it really depends on what kind of mood she is in too. So if she if she does start to ask questions, then yes you may be there awhile longer.

Customer:

because when she starts talking its 40 questions , trying to figure me out trip me up to my plan

Dr. Z. :

Well also your pastor will be there, so she cannot hold him up because he is there as a courtesy, so she may not ask that many questions if she asks any questions at all.

Customer:

he planning to be there as long as it takes he wants to see us together too

Dr. Z. :

That is very nice of him, well if she starts talking then he may chime in and try to ask questions about your relationship and reconciliation and she may be open to this type of talk.

Customer:

that would be great , you see hes pulling for the home team and God too,

Dr. Z. :

Awesome, so it is a good idea that he is going with you. Just remember, let her initiate the conversation if there is any.

Customer:

ok i may have to ask if she moved stuff, but there is still 19 days until court, if at all, so she will have a lot to think about after friday , and realize what

Dr. Z. :

That is fine asking her if she moved any of your stuff. Exactly hopefully seeing you will make her miss you and she will think about it afterwards

Customer:

i hope not good riddance, after all you have shared , so this will be on her mind ,and seriously thinking about us and thinking we can not just try but work for it,

Dr. Z. :

It is very possible and also the opinion of your pastor is something that she values too, so that will be weighing on her as well. Just go there on Friday and see what happens, but I do not predict that she will be mean to you or anything bad will happen

Customer:

i agree she has to much to loose, and

Dr. Z. :

She does, I agree with you

Customer:

she knows her out rages court order ,was bad now ,and i think she regrets it ,my job if we reconcile is not to rub it in her face, but go forward with her , in to healing,and i feel we will and this is what i am praying for,

Dr. Z. :

Yes definitely, you do not want to rub it in or focus on the past. You want to focus on the present, so that you and her can have a successful future together.

Customer:

ok thank you ,after reading the book, i see what i did wrong in the past, and what not to do in our future, so im off to bed i have a busy day tomorrow, i am praying the phone gets turned on and we can settle down ,, more later Doc, hooah !

Dr. Z. :

Anytime, I am always happy to help. I am glad that the book has been very helpful for you. Best of luck with everything and have a great night's sleep and a good day tomorrow :)

Customer:

roger that

Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10,643
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Verified
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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10,643
10,643 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.

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