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Around after year of my immigration, my coworker introduced

Around after year of my...
Around after year of my immigration , my coworker introduced me to someone , I dated him for more than five month , seeing him everyday most of the time, but I found out that he has a criminal record , as his younger sister phoned the police three times cause she was taking drugs and he was fighting with her to stop taking drugs and dating bad guy , , I think he was high nervous , so one of the time she said that he is having a gun but the police found nothing ... He went to psychiatric and he is taking I think Vvyannese ,something for obsessive compulsive disorder ,,, now his mom bought a house two level , one for his sister and one for him to get married there.. So I faced him how are you going to live with your sister if she calls the police to you whenever you stop her from taking drugs or argue with her...1- iam little scared now marrying someone with criminal record cause he told me it affected him joining some jobs 2- is the medication he is taking is normal , his dosage was 80 went down to 40. 3- he doesn't want us to break up , he said he will commit suicide as no reason to live after.
4- the reason for being nervous cause their parents were fighting a lot before they got the divorce when he and his sister were teenager. I don't know what to do
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Answered in 6 minutes by:
8/31/2013
Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10,643
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Verified
DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

DoctorZ :

I think it is good that you are being concerned about your boyfriend given his past

DoctorZ :

1. It is possible that his criminal record will hurt him with upcoming jobs in the future, but if this is the only reason he has a criminal record, most likely he is not a habitual criminal and probably will not do it again.

DoctorZ :

2. The medication he is on is typically for ADHD and not OCD, so it probably will not help with OCD. Vyvanse is a stimulant medication that is designed to help individuals focus more and help manage ADHD symptoms.

DoctorZ :

Typical OCD medications to start with are the SSRI antidepressants, like Zoloft, Paxil, Luvox, Celexa, and Lexapro.

Customer: But he said , if he sees his sister taking drugs when they move to they house , they will fight and he will be very nervous and she might call back the police
Customer: I will ask him , cause I agree with u , it is for attention but he said to me something else.
DoctorZ :

If he does get into a fight with his sister, I would be concerned for him as well because you dont want to see him get arrested again for trying to help

Customer: But is it normal to live with people with compulsive disorder
DoctorZ :

It happens living with someone who has a compulsive disorder, it is not common by any means, but it does happen. The medication and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) help manage the compulsive behavior and thoughts

Customer: Also he told me back in junior high school , he was suspended twice for a week cause someone beated his sister , so he beated him back, and the second story cause he saw bunch of boys beating a girl so he was defending her ... I think because he saw his father beating his mother and put her face in water when he was five years old , it mad him violent or nervous... Also he used to work long time ago in grocery store as cashier , he told me one customer didnt like the price of bag of oranges so she threw it in his face , and his reaction was taking one orange and he threw it back to her while she is leaving
DoctorZ :

So it sounds like he may have some impulse control issues, but they seem to be mild because he is not the one instigating these situations and during 2 of them, he was actually protecting someone.

DoctorZ :

3. I am concerned about his behavior where he says he will commit suicide if you and him break up because this is a tactic meant to guilt you into staying in the relationship and this is not healthy behavior by any means

Customer: I know , I don't know what to do , also someone told me obsessive compulsive disorder they end depressed and commit suicide , I don't know if this is true or not, also his drug was 80 went down to 4o
Customer: He also doesn't speak to his sister a lot cause she ruined his career
DoctorZ :

Well because it is a stimulant, you do not want the Vyvanse to be too high because it can actually trigger more OCD behavior

DoctorZ :

No individuals with OCD do not necessarily have higher rate of suicide compared to others without OCD

DoctorZ :

So he does not speak to his sister, but is planning on living with her

DoctorZ :

That does not seem like a good idea that will not end well

Customer: I know that's why I told him yesterday it's not good idea living with your sister , he didnt sleep n told me I will sell the house , also I don't live with him cause my culture no living before marriage , but I went with him n his family for long trip 14 days we had few fights , I was not may be nice to him cause I wanted him to stay inside with me not speaking outside with his cousin and he was explaining to me , I didn't listen so he said swear word to me for first time after five month , this is when I wanted to end the relation
Customer: In conclusion , I don't know what to do , getting scared from criminal record , his history of violence , or his sister or he doesn't want me to leave him
DoctorZ :

Well based on his behavior he may have anger management issues, as he responds physically when someone aggravates him (e.g. the woman with the oranges). Also the Vyvanse can cause irritability too

Customer: I know , but he gives excuses for his reaction he doesn't regret
DoctorZ :

I think you should hold off on marriage at this point because you do have some valid concerns. I am more concerned about his history of violence and that he said he will commit suicide if you leave him..

Customer: So what shall I do if I plan to quit
DoctorZ :

Individual with anger management issues typically make excuses to justify their behavior

DoctorZ :

If you plan to quit, you should just say that you are not ready and that you do not feel like you and him would be a good match. This way you are not blaming him directly

DoctorZ :

I would not quit just yet from this relationship, just move it slower and see how he behaves. I do think that what you have pointed out are red flags though

Customer: But is there a chance with taking drugs he will be better cause he is kind n nice to me
DoctorZ :

If he takes the right medications it will help, but a stimulant like Vyvanse will not help with anger so much and usually does not help with OCD. I think he should switch to an SSRI to help with these behaviors

Customer: Also about me , I get scared sometimes from people say managers , or roommates , I have low self esteem , so how can I be free
DoctorZ :

Well there are a number of ways to help you. Low self-esteem is a form of mild depression and most of this is caused by negative thoughts so the goal would be to change that negative thought process to a more positive one.

DoctorZ :

So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help you keep track of any negative thoughts you have. You put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want you to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more positive and plausible). This will help you change your way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.

DoctorZ :

In addition, this Positive Belief Record can help you as well

Customer: But why do I get scared from managers
DoctorZ :

You get scared because you think they are better than you in some way, when they are not. They are just another person like you. Your low self-esteem is caused by you not realizing all the positive skills and attributes you have, you put too much focus on the negative self-critical beliefs

Customer: So do u recommend me giving him a chance for couple of month or close the relation
DoctorZ :

I recommend giving him a chance for a couple months and observe his behavior, just continue to go slow with the relationship

DoctorZ :

If his behavior becomes worse, then I think ending the relationship would be wise

Customer: Ok , thanks a lot
DoctorZ :

Anytime, is there anything else I can assist you with?

Customer: Some advices how to be professional at work
DoctorZ :

Well what do you believe you are you having difficulty with at work in being a professional?

Customer: Being too nice to people , laughing sometimes , trust easily
DoctorZ :

Okay, well you can be nice to people, just try to keep your boundaries and be remember that these are not friends, these are coworkers. Also the trusting easily can be remedied by having a mindset where you should only share work information with your coworkers, and only limited things about your personally. Remember at work it is a different world then in real life. If you want to be more professional, then talk more about work and not about personal issues.

Customer: Ok thanks a lot
DoctorZ :

Anytime, I am always happy to help

DoctorZ :

If you have any other questions or concerns please feel free to contact me at anytime.

Customer: That's all , thanks
DoctorZ :

I want to wish you the best of luck with your boyfriend and I hope I provided you with excellent service today

Customer: Sure thanks a lot
DoctorZ :

I am happy to help :)

DoctorZ :

Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much

Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10,643
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Verified
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Dr. Z
Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10,643
10,643 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.

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