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My wife moved out about 60 days ago. When she first moved

out she told our son...
My wife moved out about 60 days ago. When she first moved out she told our son that it wasn't a divorce and we need to resolve some issues. After about 30 days she says she thinks we should go our seperate ways. There was no discussion about our problems when I asked her about it she says that she doen't love me anymore and is not sexually attacted to me either. Her quote was "I just want to have fun". She is going to be 44 in a couple of months. She only communicates by texting to me or the kids. She might not even text for a few days to them. She still has alot of her items at our house and when she comes to get stuff she will take only a little bit and leave the rest. Example she took 3 pairs of underwear and left 4. All of her dresser drawers have clothes in them. I know that she is at least having an emotional affair but won't admitt it. When I look back this all started about 2 years ago when her mom died. Is she in a MLC? Everything that I have read looks like she is and how do I try and get her to see the damage she is causing her family. She just doesn't care it is all about her right now and what she wants.
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Answered in 15 minutes by:
8/23/2013
TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,898
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
From your description, it sounds very much like this is about something your wife is going through. She may say that it is about not having any feelings for you, but that would not explain her behavior towards your children. And it also does not say why she has not moved out and only takes a few items with her when she does come by. It sounds more like she is trying to find an excuse to do what she is doing instead of facing her issues.
It is possible that your wife is having a mid life crisis. Sometimes people go through a difficult time in their lives, such as when your wife lost her mother, and they do not cope well with their emotions. It could be that your wife losing her mother triggered her to feel she might not have a lot of time left or she questioned her mortality in general. In that case, it may have caused her to try to "have fun" while she can which would explain why she has shunned her responsibilities to go on her own.
It is possible that the situation your wife is going through is temporary. The person can begin to realize that the grass is not greener on the other side and they begin to miss those things that were important to them before. But until that happens, you may want to start addressing the situation by going to therapy. It can help provide you wit support and help you and your children cope with what your wife is doing. Eventually, your wife may see that you and the kids are seeking help and could be open to going as well.
You may also want to talk to your wife about caring for the children. Whenever there is a separation the children need to come first. Ask her input about caring for them and see if she will respond. It may help to remind her that this is not all about her and that the kids need her as well.
If you feel that you have given her as much time as you can and she is still not showing signs of coming back, consider protecting yourself and the children. Consult an attorney, set some limits with your wife about her behavior and see what other steps you can take to stabilize your situation, especially for the children. Your wife needs to deal with her behavior in another way and stop hurting you and the children.
I hope this has helped you,
Kate
TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,898
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I hope my answer was helpful to you. If you have any further questions, please let me know.
Kate
May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Kate,

Our children are 18 and 14. Both of them know what is going on and don't want anything to do with her right now. Neither one will answer her text messages back unless I make them. Our daughter has told her as far as she is concerned she is no longer in her life. Our son will only text her back when I ask him to. She will not call only text.I have been to therapy and she is seeing a therapist right now but not together. All she says is it might be to late and I tell her that it is only to late if you choose it to be. The day she moved out she broke down and cried and said that everyone hates her. I told her no one hates her we all love her but we can't help you. You have to want to be with us. Than 30 days later she says I think we should go our seperate ways and asked for a divorce. I said I didn't want a divorce and what is the rush. Am I handling this correctly? I'm trying to take the high road. I tell the kids I love your mother very much we just can't help her right now. How do I get her away from this affair when she is not here?

It sounds like you are handling this situation very well. There is little you can do to control your wife so all you can do is respond the best you can and protect yourself and the children.
If possible, include the kids in therapy. They sound like they are hurting and might need to work their feelings out. You are there for them, which is great, but they might also need someone who is neutral to help them as well.
If your wife is not willing to work this out, then you might have to start considering your own needs. But so far, you are there for her and you are not reacting by immediately divorcing her, which gives her a chance to work this out. But there are limits so it helps to consider where yours are as well as the children's.
Try helping yourself and the children by doing some things together as a family. Get away for a weekend, visit with relatives (who can help fill in the gaps in care and love they are not getting from Mom) and try to spend time enjoying time with each other. YOu are all under a lot of stress right now so some time just enjoying a family movie night (with a comedy maybe) might help take the stress off, at least for a few hours.
Kate
TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,898
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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