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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband seeks out other women. He has done so

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My husband seeks out other women. He has done so continuously over out 27 year marriage. I was oblivious at first but started joining the dots and saw a pattern starting to emerge. He always denies that anything has happened. The latest one is with a work colleague. He spends time with her after work, on weekends but says there is no sexual relationship, she has referred to him as his best friend. I don't understand why he doesn't just admit it.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
It is common for spouses who cheat to avoid the truth. Even if everyone knows they are cheating, including their own spouse, they will still continue to try to hide the fact they are cheating. Part of the reason for this can be the need to not admit to themselves that they are doing something hurtful and wrong. They may excuse themselves by saying that they are only "talking" to the other person or are only "friends" and are not cheating. They also are putting their own needs first, which means they simply may feel they are justified. They could also think that if their spouse is ok with them cheating, they are doing nothing wrong.
Also, the very nature of cheating and societies view of it remains that the person cheating is a bad person. Therefore, a spouse that is caught cheating is blamed not only for the marriage failing and hurting their spouse, but also may lose any battle for children in the marriage/relationship and especially money through spousal support and child support. The law favors the spouse being cheated on not the cheater. So to admit to cheating may also put the cheater in jeopardy of losing everything.
If you know your husband is cheating, you need to confront him with what you know including facts. You might also insist that you both attend therapy. Sometimes a person who is used to denying the facts needs to hear from someone like professional that they are wrong and need help.
But if your husband will not go to therapy, go on your own. You need to explore why you are ok with your husband seeking other women. You do not deserve the pain an unfaithful spouse causes. You deserve someone who cares about you and loves you.
I hope this has helped you,
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