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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5808
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi there, I was in a mentally and physically abusive relationship

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Hi there, I was in a mentally and physically abusive relationship for 15 years off and on. Recently, I called the police for once and he was removed and is not allowed to return. I found out recently he has a girlfriend. Why am I going through feelings of wanting him back? I was blamed for everything, he thinks its my fault he hit me that night. He blames me for his cocaine addition as well. I am getting blamed for everything but I still feel depressed. Why?
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It is not uncommon for victims of domestic abuse to still have feelings for the partners that hurt them. You started the relationship with hopes and dreams that it would work out. Even with the abuse, you may not stop loving the person you are with.

When you learned that he has a girlfriend, it may have brought up the feelings you had for him when things were good between you. It also may trigger feelings of loss and loneliness. You had to make the difficult decision to call for help when your partner was hurting you. And even though that was a very smart move on your part, it does not mean you didn't suffer a loss when your relationship ended with him. You really did not have a chance to go through a process of ending the relationship. It ended suddenly and it ended due to violence. That takes time to work through.

You also may be working through grief. You have suffered a loss, both of hope that your relationship would work out and of a partner. And although it is better you are out of the relationship, that does not mean you won't feel sad. And now that your partner has a girlfriend, it may seem he got the better end of the deal. He has someone and you are alone.

You can feel better though by changing how you think about what happened. Focus on the strengths you have gained by ending the relationship. You no longer have to be in a harmful relationship. You took steps to free yourself. That is an accomplishment. Also, write down all the good things in your life now that you are free.

Also, work on your grief. You do not have to face what you feel alone. Try support groups, either on line or in person. Support from those who understand what you are going through can help you recover and help you feel less alone. Here are some resources to help you get started:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

Also consider therapy to help you with support while you work through your feelings. It can help a lot to know you are not alone.

I hope this has helped you,
TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I realize what you are saying but why is he blaming me for everything? Why is nothing his fault? I wasn't acting like this when I thought he was alone, and as soon as I found out he had someone I was immediately depressed and trying everything to get him back. Now, not only does he feel powerful towards me, he knows he has someone else but if he wanted me back I would go. I don't want him to feel this way because I know I'm telling myself do I want to go back to how it used to be? I don't so why am I begging to have him back in my life? Is mental abuse so powerful that I need him back? Do you know what I mean?

It is very common within the dynamics of an abusive relationship where the person who is abusive has all the power and the person who is being abused feels co dependent on the abuser. It has a lot to do with self esteem. If you do not feel you are worthy, the abuser will have control because he believes he is worthy. That is why support and therapy is so vital in helping you develop your own self esteem and in seeing that you are giving this man too much power over you. You develop a team of people who understand what you are going through and how to help you fight what you feel for him.

Blaming the victim is also a very common issue with abusers. They cannot see that they are the ones to blame so they blame the victim. It makes them feel superior and the victim suffers for it.

It will help a lot to try to not only build your supports, but to learn more about domestic abuse and the emotional brainwashing that goes on in abusive relationships. At this point, try to focus more on yourself than him. Learn as much as you can about abuse and the effects it has on victims. And contact someone today to give you support. That will help you feel better, have more power over your own life and to eventually let this man go.