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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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We are a gay girl friend is Sri Lankan so am I but

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Hi we are a gay girl friend is Sri Lankan so am I but she was adopted by Aussie parents when she was 7 months old. Her childhood wasn't a happy one and she has told me a lot about her past with her mom. We've been in a relationship for 8 months now but we always have fights about little things. There were times that I was wrong and I have admitted and said sorry but she has issues in expressing things straight away and she likes a big argument and a fight before she comes out with her real feelings abouts anything and after a huge fight she always admits her mistakes. Why does it have to be so difficult and a huge drama when she can just say it and get over it soon. Why does it have to be a big fight for every little thing? My question today is: my best friend and her boy friend had a sleep over last night. They are a couple who normally doesn't go to bed early. They get bored pretty easily and love watching movies. The room I offered them doesn't have a nice big flat screen like I have in my room. My room is fully equipped with a DVD player and Internet connected to the tv etc. I have seen my friend gets very excited about spending time in my room being all cosy in my bed and watch a movie or something in my tv everytime she comes over to my place. So last night when I was in the kitchen cleaning up my friend and her boy friend has gone in to my room and gotten comfortable in my bed and have started to watch a movie with my little son's help. When I went in the room I saw them on the corner of my bed laying being cosy n watching a movie that my son likes. I also seen my friend cuddling my little boy and watching tele. My boy is very fond of her so is she. They were in the corner of the bed and didn't forget to leave me some room in the bed to join the movie. I wasn't actually comfortable in joining them as I thought it wasn't appropriate and personally that's how I see it. I thought to myself that it wasn't good decipline for the guy to come in to my room but according to what I have studied I know that my friend and her boy friend are very immature about many things so I didn't take the situation very serious and I helped them pick another movie coz they insisted me and I went out of the room to talk to my girl friend. I thought it was funny so I told about it to my girl friend. I couldn't believe her reactions towards a simple thing like that. She went nuts and tried to push me to throw them out of the room. She was upset that they were laying on her side of the bed etc etc. she went on about saying how weak I was to let them in to my room and that she would bring a guy in to her room sometime when I'm not around and challenged me to face it and see how I feel about it. I said I don't care as long as she doesn't just bring in a guy friend in to her room and her in the room all alone with him. I also said its ok with me if it was her girl friend and her friends boy friend wanted to watch a movie with her in her bed room. Still she didn't stop.. She kept messaging me and stressed me out so bad that I could t even talk to my friends but be on the phone arguing with her. I told her to get over it coz things like that happens only once in a blue moon and frankly that was the first time that my friend's boy friend who is also a friend of mine has Eva gotten in to my room to watch a movie. He doesn't come over to my place all the time. My girl friend was working in Grantville last time which is abouts 1 h 40 mins from my house. She even told me that She was gunna come to my place last night coz she doesn't like the whole idea. I was like are u serious...I love her but little things like this leading to huge fights has frustrated me a lot during our relationship. I am so tired of fights and having to explain things to her all the time. She wants everything so perfect. She doesn't like ppl making mistakes. I like to make mistakes sometimes and live an ordinary life and everything by the book all the time. She once admitted saying that she seek for perfection in everything and that it isn't normal and here she was making that same mistake last night by trying to boss me and push me to do something that I didn't wanna do coz I am very close to my best friend and I didn't wanna upset her by kicking her out if my room. I thought it would be rude and the fact that she was excited about watching a movie with everyone at home made me not wanna spoil the moment for her. This is me. I respect others needs too and since this was the first time it didn't bother me. I was over it but my girl friend couldn't get over it and she has messages me about it when I woke up this morning. She is still talking about it. Please give me your opinion about this situation. Thanks Iffi
DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

DoctorZ :

I am sorry that you are having these recurrent fights with your girlfriend, I can imagine how much that stresses you.

DoctorZ :

I think your girlfriend is very sensitive and that is why it is easier for her to get in arguments and not get over things as quickly as you. This is not necessarily a bad thing, because it just shows that she cares about you and wants to things to be "perfect" in her eyes. But she is going to have to realize that not everything is perfect in the world and that when we do make mistakes we learn from it, that is how we get better.

DoctorZ :

Is your girlfriend considered very emotional or may be has been described as "someone who wears their emotions on their sleeves?"

DoctorZ :

So with her anger and frustration over this current argument about your friends watching a movie in you bed, she should definitely express her view point because it did upset you as well, but she should not have pushed it so much and caused an argument. Anger and frustration are natural emotions that should be expressed, but in a more assertive way and not in the way that she did. Assertiveness can promote change and actually help the situation. Here is a good worksheet that can show you what I mean about being assertive.

Customer: Thank u for the prompt reply.yes she is very emotional so am I
DoctorZ :

Anytime, my job is to help you as fast as I can

Customer: The previous night I had my friends come over for drinks but she had to go to work to Grantville. She didnt sleep the whole night and messages me in the middle of the night saying that she can't sleep
Customer: my phone was flat when she had tried to call me so she rang my best friends phone to talk to me which actual my friend thought was weird to be up so late when she has work to start the next day at 6 in the morning. She just couldn't wait till I charge my phone a bit and reply to her messages. She had a huge fight about this too. I asked her to stay for the party but she she chose to go coz she didn't wanna stay up late as she starts work early in the morning. So I didn't stop her. She has told me that I always try to stop her when she wants to go so this time I didn't force her to stay.
DoctorZ :

Your girlfriend may have an issue with emotion regulation and this is why she responds to certain situations in a very disproportionate way. So this means that what makes someone a little upset, would make her very upset, and this goes with all of the emotions too (usually the negative ones are effected the most). She actually is feeling this way, its just very magnified and that is what is causing her reactions that you are seeing.

DoctorZ :

This is not necessarily any type of diagnosable mental health disorder, but it can be helped with therapy if she is willing

DoctorZ :

I can also provide you with some techniques that can be beneficial for her as well during these moments

Customer: Yes plz
Customer: She is willing to get therapy
DoctorZ :

Well for therapy I recommend something called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) they have a great model for helping individuals with emotional regulation issues. Many therapists can provide this type of therapy, just ask them if the are proficient in DBT. Also here is a good self-help link on DBT that can give you some more information as well

DoctorZ :

So her emotions are also being caused by negative thoughts, so if you stop the negative thought process you can lessen the impact of her emotions and behavior.

This link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help her keep track of any negative thoughts she has. She put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want her to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more positive and plausible). This will help her change her way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.

Customer: Last week she had a surgery to get a small mole removed on her face. i had my wisdom tooth remived the previous day to her surfery and i was in lotta pain. she came over the previous day to her surgery to my place so that i can drive her to the hosp the next day at 5.30 in the morning. i didn't have proper sleep that night coz of the pain from wisdom tooth removal. but still i woke up at 4 to take her to the hosp. my face was swollen and i was in pain. i had to kill the time in a coffee shop to untill she finished her surgery and i had to pick her up in 5 hours. i wasn't feeling the best this day and she knew i was tired and was in pain. so we left the hosp and she wanted to go the chemist on our way back home. we went to the chemist and she had 20 mins to collect her prescription meds so we both went in to the supermarket to grab something to cook for dinner. i told her i want to cook her dinner coz she had a surgery n i thiught she'd love a good meal. she picked things she wanted n put un the basket that i was carrying and when i stopped in an isle to grab a nut bar she cracked it. i politely asked to gimme a min till i pick one but she couldn't and she stormed off. went to the chemist leaving me in the supermarket. i was so hurt coz she couldnt just wait 1 min for me but i spent all morning waiting for her to finish her surgery even though i was in pain. she said that she wants to go home soon and that i dont need a nut bar. but she could pick her favourite cereal pack and a oat bar and didnt wanna give me a min to get something that i wanted. i told her that i was feeling a bit hungry so i'd just pik a nut bar to eat. She didnt like the idea. She has these kinds selfish qualities that really hurt My feelings. They affect me. Doesn't matter how much I try to please her in many things but she sometimes see herself only.
DoctorZ :

The DBT therapy will help her with these selfish qualities as well. Her emotion regulation issues and with this only thinking about her self mentality can be treated well with therapy, but it takes time and a lot of effort on her part. Also she may be selfish because she thinks that a lot of people have hurt her in the past so she thinks she is the only one looking out for her, but in fact they have just acted normal, but she magnified it so much due to her emotional regulation issues.

Customer: Ok I will talk to her and we will seek DBT therapy. Thank u
DoctorZ :

Anytime, is there anything else I can do to assist you today?

Customer: We will go for DBT therapy
Customer: Thank u and that's all for today
DoctorZ :

Okay, well I want to wish you and your girlfriend the best of luck

DoctorZ :

If you have any other questions or concerns please feel free to contact me at anytime

Customer: Thank u
DoctorZ :

I hope I provided you with excellent service today

Customer: Yes u did. Have a good day !
DoctorZ :

You have a good rest of your day as well

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