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RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My 36 year old son has not worked in months..he is depressed

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My 36 year old son has not worked in months..he is depressed and is trying to get off suboxone at home. He is living for free with this grandmother who works full time at 77. he is basically homeless. He has a criminal record from when he was teen and it comes up every time he applies for a job thanks to the computer. That is his reason/excuse for not working. All he wants to do is live in the woods with his dog, but he has no money, no car, nothing. He borrowed his brothers truck and that was supposed to be to find a job, but that didn't happen. Brother needs truck back. Now he is telling me if he doesn't go to the woods he will die mentally. I have always tried to help, but I am lost right now.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about your son's serious situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

From your message I see his has an addiction and trying to stop the use of this medication, but his dysfunctional -non productive life has been an issue for long term, right?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

He was a police officer and became addicted to pain pills and lost his job..since then nothing good has come of his life

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he is not physically or mentally disable to the point of being unable to work and have a productive life, then there is no excuse for him to live a life without any responsibility at all, and the addiction should not be used as a justification to perpetuate such destructive pattern.

Customer:

It's like he jumped right in to his mental depression and is choosing to stay there! I feel so lost

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's very sad. Unhappily as long as he does not take full responsibility for his choices and actions, there would be no hope, since he is the only one with the power and responsibility to make changes as a real adult. But if there are people around him affording from his life expenses to other things, it would be unrealistic to think he would start his rehabilitation process and work on rebuilding his life as a responsible adult.

Customer:

I love him..but what is my place in this..what should I do? His grandmother looks to me for help and I can't help.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Depression and addictions are tough mental health disorders, but they should not be used as excuses for not taking responsibility as real adults, nor for loved ones to enable in any way such destructive life style, since that would be the worst deepening the dysfunction in a person who lives this dysfunctionaly.

Customer:

Depression runs in the family, but we are all dysfunctional functioning...lol. What can I say to let him know I love him, but he can't keep pulling me in?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His grandmother and every relative can and should only offer real, healthy support leading to his rehabilitation, not to enable further dysfunction, addiction and abuse. One thing is to support the person and his rehabilitation, and another very different to enable the dysfunction and destructive patterns int he person one loves. Your role as a mother is to provide healthy and unconditional affection, guidance, emotional support and motivation. Any material or financial support must be exclusively that, "support", something constructive you offer helping him to become better not worse. then it should always depend on him working on to deserve such support, by taking responsibility for his life, choices, and actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Being fully honest, open and direct, telling him just that, that you really love him, and care about him, and because of that you need to offer only healthy and constructive support, but not enable his destructive patterns at all, while taking good care of yourself, setting and keeping good boundaries, otherwise you would fuel a codependent relationship, where what is unhealthy and destructive gets deeper and stronger, not helping anybody.

Customer:

Detox would be a start for him...and counseling...that's all I can do..

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, detox is the first step, just to prepare to start rehabilitation process, but it and counseling would be useless if he does not take full responsibility for everything involving his life; and any form of support bypassing this core reality, would enable further destruction instead of helping him.

Customer:

yes...yes...thank you.. I already knew..but needed backup...have a good day.

Customer:

are you really a therapist? if so..where.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, I am a psychologist/psychotherapist.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am currently travelling in Europe.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any other questions. Thank you.

Customer:

thank you!

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