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Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4661
Experience:  MD Psychiatry
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I have a 25yr old daughter that was given notice before

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I have a 25yr old daughter that was given notice before going away to work to look for somewhere else to live. Initially she complied with our living agreement however over the last couple of months totally neglected it and in fact turned things around on us and I requested her to give us a date when she was returning and that she needed to come back and pack up ASAP as we needed the rooms for housesitters as we were going away.
her response was for us to pack it up and put it in our shed. I replied no - that was her responsibility. ( I have a back injury) I found out she was coming back to get her car and requested that she spend the time to pack up her rooms and remove her possessions.
It has become nasty and she has involved third parties (family) who think I am being unreasonable. She has informed me that she will return to pack up some of her belongings - I am not to touch them and not to be around when she does so. However my concern is that she will take things that do not belong to her. As an adult we believe that she gets no free ride - she contributes and abides by the rules we set before she arrived. Now she is stating that because we don't; agree with her lifestyle we have kicked her out and she won't talk to me. Manipulative, hurtful behavior, I felt that she is an adult , needs to be responsible in all that she has agreed to and respectful of our home. As adults I believe that I shouldn't have to work around her request to be absent and not come into the area she is in just so she can do what she wants and that it is my home. Am I being unreasonable or petty in insisting that she pack up herself and under my availability and watchful eye ? She doesn't steal to my knowledge but I wouldn't put it past her to take dvd's or xbox or such and argue that it is hers. Is it worth walking away for the relationship ? or am I just continuing to enable poor and selfish behaviour

Greetings !

Welcome to the site.

I am Dr. Kaushik and i believe i can help you with your problem.

Well i agree with you when you say that at her age your daughter needs to be more independent and accountable for her demeanor and actions and live independently so that she comes around to realize her responsibilities as a young lady.

But having said that i think by asking her to pack up her belongings under your surveillance is a bit too harsh on her and it may also be seen by her as an attempt on your part of belittling her and disrespecting her by not trusting her on this issue.

Also i feel that a relationship with a child goes through many tests in time and this is one such test and i believe being a little more benevolent with her will not effect you materialistically but at the same time your kind and generous gesture can help salvage and rather redeem the lost faith and trust that she has developed in you and the relationship.

After all every child no matter how old he/she may become needs a support by her parent every now and then and when no such support is obtained then they tend to become bitter and cold and i do not think that is what you want her to become.

So i will request you to kindly introspect on this issue with a calm mind and try to be the bigger person by allowing her to take her belongings in your absence and try not to judge her preemptively, you may make all the assumptions after it is all done.

I hope this helps you to see the bigger picture.

Wish you all the best.

Please kindly leave a Positive rating if you are satisfied with the answer.

If there is any further assistance needed please feel free to ask using the reply button.


Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Whilst I get where your coming from doesn't it allow her to continually get her own way ? It isn;t just about the possibility of taking what isn't hers it is also about her dictating to and controlling us.

If she were in a rental they would have confiscated her belongings and sold them off. How does allowing her the freedom to have free access teach her anything ?

Ok , so if I am to look at it introspectively - how do I deal with the feelings of manipulation, betrayal at our loss (financial) and the fact that my daughter turned on me (with extended family) so easily and quickly and not feel like I am a doormat.

Your every point makes sense and seems to justify your actions but i just want to say that now that you have gotten her to leave the house which must have come across to her as a big set back , do not add more burden on her by treating her the same very way as she has been treating you, you see at times like this when you are in a better position than her and can dictate terms and make her feel sorry and miserable, but at this very time you can set an example in front of her about being gracious and generous when in power, hopefully this will give her some good life lessons of not mistreating others especially you when one is powerful and supreme over others.

I just want to say that if as a parent you want to teach her a lesson about dignity, respect towards others and accountability then do not just push her down and humiliate her the way she did to you but instead try to take a high moral ground and i believe you can do this. One is solely responsible for one's own actions but not for the actions of others and it is these times when one is in power that one's demeanor is most observed because it is easy to suppress others when on top of them but if you leave them without hurting then there is nothing more noble than that.

I can only profess this much and i know that you are smart enough to realize what is good for you but make sure that you attain peace of mind after it is all done because that is one thing which is very difficult to find.

I hope this helps.

Wish you all the best and God bless.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

yes you are right - I guess because she has done this before and we took ages to get back to a good place, it hurts all the more. I want to lash out and hurt her too , so she feels something of what she is dishing out ,and tell her she can't keep doing this to people. But I know that God would not want it this way.

I know part of it is her lifestyle - and that we will not agree - or accept it but we love her. It is the attaining of the peace of mind I struggle with. I guess i will need Gods help on this one . In and of myself I am incapable.

I empathize with you and it is a shame that you have not got your due as a parent despite trying to do good things for your daughter as a concerned and doting mother.

However you should not loose your maternal instincts and dignity and just let time teach your daughter how her insensitivity and callous and irreverent behavior towards own mother and significant others reaps ill effects in her future. Sometimes it is best to leave things to destiny when they are not within your reach as is seen in this case with your daughter. So just find peace within self and try to stick to high morality and let time teach a thing or two in harmony and respect towards others to your daughter.

I hope this helps.

Wish you all the best.

Please kindly leave a Positive rating if you are satisfied with the answer.


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