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I am looking for a therapist to initially work with me. My

I am looking for a...
I am looking for a therapist to initially work with me. My husband and I are both on our second marriage and have 6 adult children. He has 3 daughters and I have 3 sons. We have been married for 11 years. Two of my sons have disabilities. We worked together for 15 years and then retired in 2006. Since then our marriage hasn't been the same. We have horrible communication problems re: Finances that have gone to support the children. We both contributed equally to the marriage financially. We have paid for all three of his daughters college education to the tune of probably close to $400,000. His child support was an additional $300,000. Weddings another $80,000. Vacations, Grandchildren Gifts (5), etc. I have one son that we paid probably $40,000 for between his college and other support needs. My second son got full scholarship and my third son is handicapped. If I have spent even another $100,000 which is a far cry from reality I nowhere come close to what has been spent on his daughters. He becomes incredibly cheap and irritated if I want to help my sons. He also does not get a long well with my boys, since he resents any attention that I give them. I have also found him repeatedly contacting other family members( cousins of mine), his father, his girls to share his frustration and also some very confidential things re: issues I may have with my boys. He has been known to do this with other members of mine over the years and it made them very uncomfortable ie. Sister, Niece, Daughter in law. I begged him not to do that and told him that is why I don't share things with him. Recently my son and daughter had a premature baby. She was born at 26 weeks and weighed 1lb 9oz. She was in the hospital for 4 months. They needed my help and I gave it to them. I chose not to tell my husband for fear of his reaction and the fact it would be on National Family News. He recently told me he is not happy and that our marriage isn't working. This just occurred after I suffered a bad accident about a month ago. I got a cracked skull and a concussion and I was in ICU for several days. Talk about kicking someone when they are down. He is difficult to talk to because he gets very defensive. We use to have an amazing marriage when we worked fulltime. We were both Sr. Executives for a Fortune 500 company. As he says I was the Woman behind the man. But now I'm just a wife.
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Answered in 32 minutes by:
6/27/2013
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Verified
Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Your husband seems to have changed profoundly but this may be due to his loss of position and prestige.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Does your husband require a great deal of admiration, and does he need to be in charge?

Customer:

Hello, he does require a great deal of admiration, but mostly from his work accomplishments

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

And those are now gone?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Or at least greatly reduced?

Customer:

Greatly reduced. He has been consulting since our retirement, but it has never been as fulfilling. He is a VERY famous photographic scientist and invented some of Kodak's most successful products. One thing I failed to mention was that he was diagnosed with colon cancer in Sept 2011. He had surgery and chemo for 6 months. I was by his side always. In April of 2012 his Mom died (90 years old) and he also found out his 35 yr old daughter had breast cancer. He had no work from May of 2012 until April this year so I was the sole provider beyond our retirement savings.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Does he lack in empathy for others (besides his mother and daughters)?

Customer:

I would say so.

Customer:

He discounts troubles that my children have had. My oldest son was a police officer. He suffered a major illness 3 years ago. He tended to look at his problem as typical J (code name for my son)

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Let me show you the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder form the DSM-IV. What it says is basically that a narcissist needs "narcissistic supply"

Customer:

My twins were born premature 29 years ago. They were 3 months early and weighed only 1lb 4oz and 1lb 13 oz. S is hearing impaired and developmentally delayed. B is legally blind and has CP. He thinks S is lazy. Although he did just get his BS degree.

Customer:

I'm not sure what a Narcissis is

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

They need to be admired or need to control and will resort to deception, lying, and belittling others to make themselves grander. They will never really change.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Here is the official psychiatric diagnostic criteria:

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

NPD DSM


Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder


(DSM IV - TR)


A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:


(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)


(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love


(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)


(4) requires excessive admiration


(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations


(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends


(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others


(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her


(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes


Customer:

He displays some but not all of these.

Customer:

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others


(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her


(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Customer:

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements) The bolded are things that I don't think he does

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

How about number (3)?

Customer:

He has an explosive personality at times over stupid stuff. If he screws up something ie. a piece of wood when he is making something he will throw a temper tantrum. He has gotten explosive with me if I sometimes disagree. But then 3 min later he's over it and says he is sorry.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Does he worry about being abandoned?

Customer:

He thinks he is special for sure. But not necessarily only associates with others of high status. Although at work he always sucked up to the bosses. But they also sucked up to him. He fell in love with me when I was a high powered executive. He was jealous that my pay and wage grade were higher than his initially before we were a couple. I then proceeded to make him famous by promoting him to the likes of John Scully, Bill Gates, etc.

Customer:

No I don't think he worries about being abandoned. In fact after his divorce it didn't bother him that his girls especially the younger one pretty much abandoned him. They pretty much were happy with the $ they got. I worked very hard to help

Customer:

build his relationship with his daughters.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

But he worries about his illness. He has a certain kind of narcissism called intermittent explosive narcissism and has these rages.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He has at least five criteria and is probably diagnosable.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He will not seek treatment. Narcissists usually don't and there is hardly anyone who could be brilliant enough to help him.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

In his mind.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

May I recommend two books for you?

Customer:

I think I exhibit #8 is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of her especially with people that have good relationships with family ie. step and sometimes people at work #4 requires excessive admiration especially from family

Customer:

Sure

Customer:

The big question for me is how can I get him to see the imbalance between his children and mine? How can I get him to allow me to talk to him and share things without fear he will blab it to others. Why now of all times would he choose to

Customer:

tell me he is unhappy and our marriage isn't working when I am still recovering from my accident. It was only a month ago that I got a cracked skull and a concussion and I was in ICU for several days. Talk about kicking someone when they are down.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


Because he is incapable of empathy. This is the best way to control and manipulate you, when you are down. This is typical.

Customer:

Wow.

Customer:

Do they always think they know everything. Whenever there is a discussion they are always right. Whether it is politics, relationships, etc.

Customer:

How do you work with someone like this. Does the book help

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That book will give you a great amount of insight.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I have two more books for you.

Customer:

ok

Customer:

I do love him very much. When it was good it was really good.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

The first is if you are considering, even vaguely, leaving the relationship. (and when it was bad it was horrid).

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


This second book is ways to possibly try to live with him.

Customer:

No I would never want to leave him. But my first husband was absolutely dead on for this diagnosis.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He will not get better but only worse, if he follows the trends.

Customer:

Help me understand why he feels that the balance of $ for his children is ok, but not ok with me helping mine.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :



This is not easy. Get the books. You can even get them as Kindle books and begin reading on your computer in just a few minutes from now.

Customer:

ok, will do.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


Because he has empathy for his own biological children as part or extensions of him, and for his mother, but not for you or your kids.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is not really for his kids but for his image and self-image as a good father.

Customer:

interesting

Customer:

He loves to turn the table on me. Just yesterday he said it's all about WHAT I WANT and I NEED.

Customer:

Ok so I guess I'll go get the books and read them. How do I connect with you again in the future

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That is typical narcissistic behavior. You go from being the victim to being the perpetrator. Then he has control of you and this is is satisfaction.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

"Narcissistic supply"

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

(like blood to a vampire).

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

In future just ask for Elliott, LPCC, NCC.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I wish you strength and perseverance and shall keep you in my prayers.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Customer:

Ok well thank you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are so very welcome. Thank you and may God bless and protect you and your children and grandchildren.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Verified
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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
7,664 Satisfied Customers
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

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