For a while now and mostly evident within my relationship with my boyfriend, I Find that I can become easily upset or agitated and that anger blocks any other emotion.
SO while I am upset at him for whatever reason justified (usually), or not, the anger shuts everything else out. It is even hard for me to say I love him when I feel this way. Because I don't have feelings of love, only anger in that moment. Only later do I realize i was hurtful or over reacted and I do love him. Also, I find it difficult to feel compassion for him in my anger. He could be crying and it would have no effect on me nor would it cut thru the anger i am feeling. During my feelings of anger i could convince my self i dont care about him and can leave him anytime, or I dont care how he feels- and in my defense.. I am usually justified in my anger.. but i handle it wrong.
I am not violent or anything serious like that but I just wish I could not become angry or as affected by things. I get angry in other parts of my life as well, like when I receive bad customer service, or encounter people i feel to be stupi or idiots- it angers me, and bothers me for a while before I will let it go.
Yesterday my boyfriend had to go to the ER, and he kept calling me but because I was upset at him I ignored him. When I finally did
call him back, of course I felt bad that I had missed his call and was not there for him, but I did not feel bad enough to make the trip to see him ( 45 mins away). His sister was with him. If he was alone I would have went. I felt mostly bothered by it. And in my defense again, I am always the one commuting to see him. he does not drive and he lives 45 mins from me. i also work with him in his business..., and I commute all the time there as well. I work a full time job and then after my 9-6 I drive there to see him/ wk the business etc.
Usually when he is sick it makes me upset rather than compassionate after a while. i compare myself in the same situation i know i would not act like as much of a baby as he is acting and it makes me feel like.. ughh here we go again with the dramatics. He is ok by the way just had high blood pressure and heart palpitations
. This is a result of him using cocaine.- which he stopped 2 months ago and only told me about 2 days ago when I had to take him to the ER the first time for the same reason. Apparently he had been doing it on and off every other week for a year behind my back.
THis upset me and hurt me as well.
I am not sure if I am just a mean person and need to learn compassion or is it something else? I definitely have it and can express it but sometimes it is expressed more with strangers than with close loved ones. I also do find it hard to focus on something for very long periods of times.. mostly evident when my boyfriend speaks to me, my mind wanders.. but i feel its because he talks to much about his /our business which i understand, but I sometimes don't necessarily care so i tune him out and /or interrupt him a lot too. he is the man behind the ideas and great ones too so he is ALWAYS thinking about ways to improve the business which is a good thing i know. but sometimes i just dont care.
I once tried to make an appt to see a psych. but they did not show up for the appt. and so I was discouraged. sometimes i think i dont need one. i just need to recognize my behavior and make the conscious effort to react differently and other times i feel like may be i need help.
my boyfriend calls my bipolar
jokingly, he says my mood can change in an instant. i can be happy then sad
or angry in minutes.
Maybe i just am full of emotion? lol..
I am a smart, professional and independent woman. i think maybe I have feelings of resentment that he is not the same. He has eveything tied to this business which I am practically 50% a part of and for the most part enjoy- but it takes its toll on me. I am over worked.
I am not sure I've even framed this info into an answerable question or have I just rambled.
Thanks for any advice, info you can share.