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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5810
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband couldn't be diagnosed with Aspergers but has a

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My husband couldn't be diagnosed with Aspergers but has a lot of symptoms. he also can be very mean, admitting to our therapist that one one occasion his behavior was motivated by "wanting to destroy me." he is self-focused and "non-emotive." he is happier with computers and movies than with personal relationships. the meanness has mostly become sarcasm. he is not interested in changing. any suggestions for me to address the loneliness- besides relying on my grown children and grandchildren [very inappropriate] ?
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
You mentioned that your husband could not be diagnosed with Aspergers but that he has a lot of symptoms of the disorder. He also seems to have a lot of symptoms of a personality disorder as well. As you were describing how he treats you, it sounded more like a personality disorder rather than Aspergers. People with Aspergers usually to not make it a priority to "destroy" anyone and usually are not mean to others. They have issues with connecting to others but that does not include being directly mean either. It usually means they ignore emotions and are not social.
It sounds like your husband is not willing to see his behavior as an issue and will not change it. Therefore, you are left to not only defend yourself from his hurtful behavior, but also to address your loneliness, not an easy position to be in.
It may help you to connect with other people either on line or in person who have someone in their family who has the same or similar issues as your husband does. Here are some resources to help you:
You may also want to try to find hobbies that have groups you can join such as reading groups, crafts or even traveling. There are many groups that go on short trips that can not only help you bond with others, but that give you a chance to get out of the dysfunctional environment you are in with your husband.
Also, you can try to bond more with your family but in ways that don't make you rely on them for support. Hold picnics or invite your kids out to dinner. Babysit when you can. Be there for them and in turn it may help you feel better.
Learn more about Aspergers and personality disorders to help you cope. The more you know, the easier it is to address your husband's issues. Here are some resources for you: alitydisorders/a/personalitydis.htm
I hope this has helped you,
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Interesting advice. years ago, my rabbi said that when divorce is not considered an option, he advises getting needs met outside the marriage in a kosher way.

My husband once said that he is not "very emotive" and his siblings agree that he has always been this way. He can be very kind and loving if it meets his needs. I have wondered about narcissistic traits but his comment on difficulty understanding anything that he has not experienced led me to ASD.


You're welcome!
He could have traits of both disorders, but with the symptoms you mentioned, he does seem to have narcissism. I have worked with people with Aspergers and usually the worse they do is ignore someone's emotional needs. But going after you just to be mean and spiteful is another case. And if he does have traits of narcissism or has the disorder itself, that is hard on you. I hope the sites I gave you can help along with other coping mechanisms.
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Thank you so much for the positive ratings! I appreciate it.
My best to you,

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