Is my ex boyfriend a narcissist or sociopath. I dated this…

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Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

It is hard for me to say if he is a narcissist (which is a sociopath) from the little information that you have given about him, but he may very well be.

Here is the "official" diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and you can judge for yourself.

This is from the DSM-IV psychiatric diagnostic manual:

Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder

(DSM IV - TR)

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

(4) requires excessive admiration

(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

The sociopathic part of narcissism is the total INABILITY to have empathy for others - to feel their pain and suffering.

He will never really care if he is narcissist.

His family may force him into a marriage with you, but if he is a narcissist you will not be happy with him.

He will be self-absorbed, always have to be in control, and have to feelings for your emotional needs or for you child's.

There are degrees to all personality disorders and illnesses. This one is hard to treat and most narcissists don't believe that there is anything wrong or that others do not have the capacity to understand them.

I would like to recommend a couple of books on the subject that will give you a great deal of focused information and expertise in a short time. They are worth reading:

Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss and James F. Masterson

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson

Narcissists are the best con artists and the best liars. He has lied to you and tricked you and left you pregnant and abandoned. He has equally deceived his other girlfriends.

When faced with responsibility he left down without a trace or a word.

If you can get a monthly support check for your child then you will be doing well.

You probably will be unhappy if he ever is pushed back into your life. You will not be in control and you will have a very inequitable relationship where he will be the perpetrator but take the role of the victim and blame you and make you out to be the bad guy.

If you have any follow-up questions, please get back to me and I will do my very best to help youl

I am keeping you and and our child in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC