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Ryan LCSW
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Individual and Family Therapist
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I've basically been in a relationship with a guy for about

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I've basically been in a relationship with a guy for about 2.5 years and still have anxiety about defining the relationship. I am scared that if we commit to being in a relationship that we'll eventually break up & I'll lose him, but I'm also worried that if we don't define the relationship that he's going to eventually give up on me and I'll lose him anyway. He knows I have anxiety about it and even recommended talking to someone to try and figure out why committing makes me so nervous. Any advice?
Thanks for your question. My name is ***** ***** I have over 10 years of experience in helping people with relationship problems.

There are a lot of reasons why commitment makes people nervous. If you've had bad experiences in relationships in the past, or perhaps your parents, family, or friends had difficult relationships, those would be some of the most common reasons that people are nervous to get involved in relationships. In this situation, if you have had a great relationship/friendship with this guy for the past 2.5 years, it is only natural to be nervous about doing anything to change the nature of your relationship together. Even making an official commitment to each other can be enough to change the dynamics of the relationship, and if it is the idea of losing him that is the most frightening to you, it's understandable that you want to keep things the way they are, but at the same time also be worried about keeping things the way they are for too long.

Most likely you're correct, and most relationships do hit a point where a larger commitment needs to be made, or to go seperate ways. It sounds like he is pretty patient and understanding if you are able to talk to him about this and he suggested talking to someone about it. If he is not putting any pressure on you to commit, then perhaps it isn't necessary right now. Even though you may want to commit in some ways, it's also important to listen to your instincts, and if they are telling you that now is not the right time in your life to make a larger commitment, then that's important to listen to. To some extent you may never feel 100% comfortable with the idea of commitment until you take that next step and see how it goes for yourself. Often times once you are committed and start to feel secure in that, a lot of that nervous will start to go away, especially if your relationship already has a solid foundation. I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help just let me know.

Ryan
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Even though he's not putting pressure on me to commit, I am feeling pressure from myself to make a decision because I don't think it's fair for me to string someone along for years and years not knowing if I'm ever going to feel ready for any kind of commitment. Im terrified of feeling boxed in a relationship, but I know I'll regret not moving forward in some way. Is it possible for me to commit to right now and not to the future?
If he's not putting pressure on you to commit, then perhaps there is no rush as long as he doesn't feel like it is unfair. If you would feel boxed in then it may not be the right step for you, although it is certainly possible to commit now and not to the future. Many people get in committed relationships just to assure each other that they aren't dating anyone else, but planning a future and a life together is a much bigger level of commitment that you may not have to discuss at all right now, especially if he's not putting any pressure on you. If you don't want to commit to anything other than just being together there is nothing wrong with that as long as you are both on the same page. Best of luck,

Ryan
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