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I am a 44 year old female with a 3-year old boy who I raised

on my own from the...
I am a 44 year old female with a 3-year old boy who I raised on my own from the time that he was born until he was 2 years of age. Before finding out that I was pregnant, I had ended the relationship with his father because he had become so demeaning. However, we reunited after finding out that I was pregnant. The burden has always been almost exclusively me on me to support our son. My son's father lived about 2.5 hours away and would visit about every other weekend. As my son got older, it became apparent that he was loving his dad more and was bewildered when his dad left. His dad gave me the condition that he would come to be with us, only if he was able to take some time off of work and not have to find a job before coming. Finally, my son's dad told me that he had announced to his family that he planned to ask me to marry him. I felt cornered by him and a sense of obligation to my son and agreed. He has now been living with us 1-year and 4 months and has no intention of finding a job. He does clean the house, but sclolds me like a child whenever I make a mess in my own home. He did spend about $7500 on some repairs to the house, but has not contributed to anything else and has accused me of using up all of his money...I pay the house payment, utilities, insurance for my son, clothing and toys for my son, life insurance for my son, birthday and holidays for my son. He also gets angry and ugly and insulting with me when I don't want to have sex. I just don't want to. I know children are better off with both parents and I am trying to make this work. I don't even know what I am asking for here, but any recommendations would be welcome
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Answered in 25 minutes by:
6/13/2013
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Verified
Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

After reading your story, I agree with you that you are cornered - or in a dilemma.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is wonderful that your son has a father that he loves and that loves him, but if his presence in the household is causing friction, then this is not adding to your son's positive feelings but taking away from it.

Customer:

Yes, I am. Not an easy answer for sure. He is an alcoholic. He starts drinking at noon.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are not happy with this relationship, and although he has contributed something, he is basically living off of you and draining you emotionally as well.

Customer:

My little boy just woke up from a late nap. I am having a difficult time right now continuing the conversation. His father does love him. His father was married 4 times before and has a son who he was never involved with.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Being an alcoholic is worse.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are not married to him, I take it, and you have the right to ask him (or force him if need be) to leave your house.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I can chat with you later if you like. I will save the chat and exit and you can come back later, and make further comments and then I will rejoin you later.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If that is easier for you. I will work with you until I can help you.

Customer:

Thank you. That would help a lot. My mornings are usually good -- I am an online college instructor this summer. I don't suppose that there is a "good answer." I just would like to make the choices that are best for my little boy. Thank you so much.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I shall talk to you later. You are obviously a wonderful person and mother and I will work with you with heartfelt interest in helping,.

Customer:

Thank you so much again. Do I just pick up the conversation in the morning?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Yes. It will be there for you.

Customer:

Thank you. I will talk to you then.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards, ***** ***** will see you later.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Customer:

I don't know if you are still available, but I do have a minute now.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Sorry I miss you. I am still saving the chat however.

Customer:

Hello. Are you available?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I am here now, but it looks as if you are offline. You can go ahead and type any concern or information that you would like and I will respond to it.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are offline now but I will be ...... ahhh, I see you have returned ! ! ! !

Customer:

I'm here. Sorry about that.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Nothing to be sorry about. Here we are :)

Customer:

Yes:)

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Are you and he legally married? I was never sure?

Customer:

I honestly don't know what I am trying to ask. I suppose that my options are to ask him to leave, which would be devastating to my little boy, or putting up with the behavior. He is not willing to go to counseling. We are married. He bought me a ring, but we have never been married.

Customer:

We are not married, I meant.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That makes it easier.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Since he will not go to counseling and his behavior is unacceptable, then you have three options: one that he goes to counseling with you and iron out the rough spots (if that is what you want) or ask him to leave, and if he does not leave willingly then coerce him to leave.

Customer:

To be honest, I would like for this to work out. I would like my little boy to have both of us in his life on a daily basis. My fiance, for lack of a better description, is not willing to give up the beer. He starts drinking between noon and 2:00 p.m. and drinks until he passes out on the back patio. He will wake up some time around 2:00 to 4:00 a.m. and sleep until 11:00 a.m.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

The third option is to continue to suffer with this relationship that is not working.

Customer:

He says that he has been to marriage counseling and it does not work.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You must have missed it, since you were not there.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is HE that refuses to change or try to change.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What makes you think that your son will be better off in an unhappy home while having an alcoholic lay-about father as his role model?

Customer:

Yes, I have been trying to just suffer. Some days are good and hopeful, but others are devastating. The counseling that he went to was from a previous marriage. I learned after we were already dating that he has been married 4 times, haha. He informed me of the last two that lasted 10 years, but didn't tell me about the first two, which he said didn't matter.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

By refusing to change or get help he has no moral ground to stand on. He wants you to accept the unacceptable. You try, but you cannot just overlook this and pretend every day.

Customer:

Yes, that is what I am worried about, my son. On the one hand, it is so harmful to boys not to have a father in their life. On the other hand, I don't want him to grow up seeing that behavior. My fiance also gets angry when he has had to much to drink and frequently picks arguments. I was looking up local counselors this morning so that I could at least go and work on myself. I just don't want to make the wrong decision for my little boy. I do see your points. I do understand it comes down to those three choices.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If he will not try then he has not regards ***** ***** feeling or your almost daily suffering, and he is setting a bad example for your son by "teaching" him that this lifestyle is acceptable.

Customer:

Okay. I agree. Thank you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Do you really think that having a father that he sees outside of his home is worse than sacrificing your happiness and having this negative role model in you home alll the time?

Customer:

No, I don't at all.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It seems that your main worry, not having a father in the home, is a very big issue, bigger than having a happy home and a happy mom.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I am glad to hear that.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is not a matter of punishing your "fiance", but rather of protecting your son AND yourself.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He could have a "real" father some day, who teaches him how to treat a woman and how to be responsible.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I also believe that a negative influence is worse than no influence.

Customer:

I do understand. I just hate what it is going to put my little boy through to see his dad leave. Yes, I do see your point about influence. I thought that I could compensate, but I agree completely

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I know this will not be easy for you to do. You can tell him that you cannot support this behavior and his lifestyle any longer and that you want him to go to a marriage and family therapist with you if he wants to remain. That puts the burden back on him.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You need to find a good one. There are good and bad ones, and it depends on their experience, capabilities, and intelligence. They are not the same.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You could look on www.psychologytoday.com

Customer:

Okay. I am going to do that. No, it's not going to be easy. Thank you so much for your help. I will do that. Thank you so much again.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You will find many therapists.; You have to read carefully, and make some calls as well.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I shall keep you in my prayers.

Customer:

Thank you!

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are a lovely woman and a wonderful mother, and you need to either be alone or with someone who treats you and your son as the most precious ones in your life. May God bless and protect you and give you the strength and courage to succeed. Warm regards, ***** NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Verified
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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
7,664 Satisfied Customers
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

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